And there's Bill Frist and Barack Obama on NBC. Are there two more gaunt-looking men in America? Someone get Kennedy in there. Stat! No, Kennedy. Not Kerry!

Quick, light the fire!
Missionary, check.
Ooh, didn't expect the CSK nods.
Soldiers try to rebuild a nation.
Great things when we work together.
There. Is. A. Better. Way.
Common-Sense Solutions(TM)
Best-Managed State, check.
I predict there was a tie switch.
Tax policies permanent.
Surpluses to Deficits (Not in Virginia.)
Crazy parents do.
Aw, he glazed over the credit-rating thing. I'll count it. Check.
NCLB = Havoc.
Innovative alternatives. Good phrase.
There's a better way.
The Congressional Democrats have a plan? Shouldn't they have mentioned that?
Should have been the REPUBLICAN Medicare Prescription Scheme.
Aw, importing drugs from other countries. That's the stupidest thing that Democrats are backing. I'll take the xenophobia, but ohmygoshwhathappenswhenweuseupthesupplyintheothercountries? The prices go up and the Canadians get a taste of crappy American Health Care.
We in Virginia actually help Veterans.
Energy. Using more and dependent on the Middle East. Return their profits? I think they could use that to, you know, fund research so we can turn grass or whatever into an El Camino. But if you want to suck on the cash teat of big oil so you can widen I-81, so be it.
Equality. Like the Declaration of Independence. Written by Thomas Jefferson. He was talking about something else.
Service and results.
Heal partisan wounds and become One. After you vote the other guys out, that is.
Together, America can do better.
God bless the United States of America

Tim Kaine appears to be selling legal services

-Missionary.
-Faith [check]
-Lower the eyebrow, Kaine.
-By the way, this guy did not buy coffee from my small business when he had the chance.
-Have I mentioned that Tim Kaine is a lizard man?
-Responsible government
-Slow talking governors
-Holy crap, his eyebrow is clear up to his hairline.
-This reminds me of a debate club speech.
-Although, now that I remember the Harry Reid/Nancy Pelosi fireside chat, this doesn't seem so bad.
-Is there a better way?
-Tim Kaine has a subtle spit take.
-Seriously, the eyebrow is creeping me out. The lizard suit was applied hastily.
-Better way, better way, better way, better way.
-The better way must be to bore me until I stop paying attention.
-There's the obligatory Thomas Jefferson reference. That's dictated by Virgina law, buy the way.
-God bless us, indeed.

Tim: I was a missionary and I have a strong faith. There's a better way.

I'm guessing Tim Kaine will mention . . .

-Faith
-Central America
-Middle America
-Mark Warner
-Bi-partisanship

Brokaw gets to do a reality check of the President? Couldn't he have retired before the election?

And Tim Kaine is up next. Brian Williams says this will be the first time many in America will hear from him. This will be a real test of Kaine's human-like disguise. How many will recognize him for a lizard.

Oh, I'm getting this animal/human hybrid thing now.

Tim Kaine! I predict he'll be sweating. A lot.

(Red Hot and Blue.)
Stay in school. Everyone can go to college. That's what we want.
We're providing business loans!
Schools that teach every child!
That's a smart kerchief.
HIV-AIDS -- It can be defeated. The AIDS virii are nothing but dead-enders and they will be defeated by summer. We are training new vaccines to annihilate the enemy.
Ooh, red-red-blue with the tie selection today.
God Bless America

Woo hoo, proving pessimists wrong.
Equal justice under the law?
Damn if Judge Roberts isn't sexy. That is one good-looking man.
Alito. Sure. He's okay.
Not legislate from the bench. I've got no more jokes on that one.
Where is Sandy? Getting wasted at Red Hot and Blue? [Ed.]
No cloning? Aw, crap. No human-animal hybrids? No centaurs? An army of super-intelligent half-horse/half-man warriors would be useful in the Middle East. Well, maybe half man/half camel.
[9:58] Never betray.

Activist courts that redefine marriage... or what's considered a victory in, say, Florida.

The false comfort of isolationsm? Wha? I think your political opposition wants to do more with NATO and the UN. Yes, the institutions like ... the UNITED NATIONS!
[9:21] Striking terrorist targets... Allies in the cause of freedom.
Our enemy is brutal. Wow, three years. That's really quick. Must have been looking down the barrel of a .... Oh yeah.
Hey, the President says we're winning. Whoo!
The road of victory.
Aren't you a politician in Washington D.C. You know that you're the Commander-in-Chief, yes?
Insert platitudes about 'honest debate' and supporting the enemy... Yes!
Second-guessing is not a strategy. (But helpful. All of the decisions the Administration has made that have been worth a damn are when the moderates stop the crazy war-making. "Hey, maybe we should give our men and women in uniform some, you know, ARMOR.)
Heavy gear in the heat, yeah that's the big problem.
... and the letter said, "the President is right. Don't second-guess him."
Hey, let's get a family that will still talk to me up here. Well, it's quite a large population of families to choose from.

Health care. Poor and the elderly? Really? We're doing that? Are we done? Electronic records. Hmm. I'm sure the Constitution allows you to *see* those records, right?
Medical liability reform, aka ...
"America is addicted to oil." Wow. Yeah, that part of the world *is* unstable. Keeps getting bombed and invaded.
Clean, safe nuclear energy, or Clean, Safe(TM) Nuclear Energy?
Better batteries?
Ethanol? Switch grass? Oak motts? Six years? Gosh.
2025. By applying the technology of America and move beyond an oil-based economy.
Se we went to war for oil, right? We didn't? Hmm.
Lead the world in human talent.
[9:50] An American Competitiveness Initiative. Every four years, we will kick the asses of the rest of the world. Maybe hold the first one in Torino, Italy.
Why show Lynn Cheney when talking about education? Didn't she want to burn biology books or something? Oh, the kid, right.
She looks like she can do math.
Ooh, lifting test scores.
Should they have had math & science?
High wage jobs? You're talking about teachers, yes? The thing you keep cutting funding for?
Compassionate society. Unless we hold you in a cell without charges for a couple years outside of the court system. Then, not so compassionate.
Right to be proud of this record. Democrat or Republican. Except Jim Jeffords, who's a traitor and can burn in hell.

Border protection.
Humane guest worker program. Does he feel like he needs the modifier after the Abu Ghareb/Gitmo stuff?

All who volunteered [or were tricked, threatened and stop-lossed] to serve in our military.
Defeat their dark vision of hate and fear.
Democratic reform. Hmm. Mention Hamas. Please.
Egypt? Your good news is to mention Egypt?
Hamas must do a bunch of stuff.
Saudi Arabia took their first steps in the Eighties. I think they mentioned something about civic elections (school boards) sometime during your father's administration. How's that going?
Why can't the Iranians have nuclear weapons? The Israelis do.
We respect you, Iran. Sorry about the Shah. That was our bad.
Genocide! He called it genocide! Now we can do something, right? Oh, nope. No oil there. :)
Dull the conscience of our country?
Yep, thanks, military. Sorry about the crappy benefits and getting you killed and all.
Re-authorize the Patriot act.
[9:34] September the 11th (second mention)
To prevent another attack... blah blah blah some crap that's made up.
Yeah and the authority to lock up all the Asian-Americans in 'camps' in the Western United States.
I love Hillary Clinton for the looks she gives during these things.
We need the support of our friends and allies.
Willing to act.
Alternative to American leadership is danger?
R->T->K->R?
Yeah, the world's always better when 'freedom' is on the march.
Lead the world to freedom. Fake, self-aggrandizing freedom.
Our economy is healthy?
Wow, bigger than Japan and the EU. That's great. We're just like them. Lots of Japanese people and Europeans jump from job-to-job. I wonder what the non-structural numbers look like.
[9:39] We intend to shape it.
Oh crap.
Four years of (near-stagnant) uninterruped economic growth. Thanks, high gas prices.
Ha, McCain was clapping.
Non-security discretionary spending.
Mohair subsidies.
Wow, cut the deficit in half by 2009.
Earmark reform. Too many special interest projects.
WHAT THE HELL? THE LINE-ITEM VETO? That would be so, so much worse.
Entitlements. You know, the things people have earned. Are entitled to.
60% of the Federal budget. Was that before or after the ill-advised Medicare reform.
Ah, I love the Democrats. 'Saving' Social Security.
Off your game?
Damn straight you better stand up.
Wow, a commission to research Baby Boomers retiring. How about teenagers retiring? Oh, they don't retire yet? Baby Boomers are the only ones retiring now? Shouldn't we have done that already? Oh, my Administration and the Congressional Republicans are just incompetent? Ah, okay.
[9:45] Secure borders

"[Bush likes to say he was the kind of guy to] to get to airports thirty minutes early." -- Tim Russert

What, is that when he was Governor? A regular citizen would miss the damn plane since you needed to check in your god-damned luggage fifteen minutes before. I guess the President likes holding people up.

Woo-hoo, he mentioned me.

Cindy Sheehan? Nope, Coretta King.

This rostrum? Civil tone. Our differences cannot harden into anger. Blah blah blah, together we will make it stronger.

[9:14] The enemies of freedom...
Leading the world economy? Shut ourselves off? Did that make sense? Was he asking a question? Oh good, we're going to keep leading. Whew. I thought we'd give up.

The end of tyranny. September the 11th! (first mention)
Democracies ... join the fight against terror. Hmm. So, we should support democracies, eh?
Yeah, we all thought freedom was a hopeless dream.

122 democracies. Syria's probably not. And Burma. Zimbabwe. North Kora. Iran. The pentagon of evil. Weapons of Mass Murder. Really?

The terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. If you read your Bible, the violent *do* inherit the Earth. Revelations. You should go to church, Mr. President. Some ideology would do you good.

There is no peace in retreat. There is no honor in retreat. Did he get booed? We will never surrender to a concept. You can count on that!

"America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world… The best way to break this addiction is through technology." (But don't ask me to fund Methadone treatments for addicts of another sort.)

"In this decisive year, you and I will make choices that determine both the future and the character of our country. We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life. We will choose to build our prosperity by leading the world economy or shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity. In a complex and challenging time, the road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting, yet it ends in danger and decline. The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by our leadership. So the United States of America will continue to lead."

Ok, and we're off . . .

-Here comes the supreme court. Thomas, Souter, Alito, and Roberts, I think.
-And here's the cabinet. This is like a basketball game introduction. Just need some strobe lights.
-Rumsfeld, Gonzalez, et al.
-Some one needs to straighten Alito's tie.
-Lots of Senators. Hey there's John Warner. Coburn (R-OK) is more than a little ugly.
-Laura Bush is sitting next to either an Iraqi or Afgani woman.
-And here comes the president.
-Lots of hand shaking.
-Secret service is yelling for people to keep moving. Shady group in Congress.
-Bill Frist looking lost.
-Brian Williams says Cindy Sheehan was supposed to be here, but was arrested. Couldn't they do the same for Santorum?
-Angels of happiness Dick Cheney and Dennis Hastert flank the president.
-Oh no, Hastert has a hammer. Take him down! Take him . . . oh. Nevermind.
-Hastert presents the president.
-Shot of John Kerry boring the hell out of the person seated next to him.
-The president pronounces rostrum without snickering. Stumbles on history. His college degree is in history.
-State of the Union is still strong. That's so 2002.
-Free trade . . . no isolationism, etc. Nothing new here.
-We seek the end of tyranny, because we're wild-eyed idealists.
-First Sept 11, 2001 reference . . .
-Terrur.
-Act boldly in freedom's cause . . .
-Camera to McCain. He's either skeptical or constipated.
-Purple ink reference.
-Oh crap, Syria, Burma, Zimbabwe, and North Korea are next.
-Bin Laden gets a lot of free press from these things. Is there a such thing as bad publicity?
-The violent have miscalculated. Often I do too, but it's more from numericalism.
-Battlefield to our shores.
-Do I hear a cut and run coming?
-That was almost a "No retreat, no surrender" reference.
-That's right Europe, we saved your ungrateful ass.
-Proud to be the ally of freedom-loving Iraqis.
-Still refers to Coalition and not us and the Brits.
-Oh, good. We're winning.
-Stand up. Clap. Sit. No, not yet. Ok, now.
-Of course military commanders make troop level decisions.
-I accept criticism. As long as it's not from cowards.
-Cut to Kerry (seriously).
-Support our military. Pause for applause.
-This is the point where everyone joins in for the standing ovations. In a couple of minutes, the Democrats will have plenty of time to be seated.
-Democracies require the rule of law and accountability. Interesting. (Although I'm not sure he didn't say accountancy)
-Hey, he did mention the Palestinian elections. And Hamas. Points to the president.
-Liberty is the light and hope of all humanity. Everyone claps, Cheney appears to be faking it.
-Nucular. It's pronounced Nucular.
-Speaking directly to the Iranians. Big fans of must see TV are the iranians.
-We must show compassion. But it must be compassion that can turn violent at a moment's notice.
-Mention law enforcement. Pause for applause. Shot of Gonzales.
-Reauthorize the patriot act. And, about half the room is applauding. The audio must be out for the other half.
-Aha, the eavesdropping part. Yes everything is fine. By the way, aren't you supposed to be picking up little-Susie from choir practice? See, this is working great for all of us.
-Mention defending against terrorism. Pause for applause. Smirk.
-The only alternative to American leadership would be the French.
-No, I said the economy is growing. Got a problem with that.
-New competitors like China and India.
-We must not allow the Chinese to capture Jack Bauer.
-Some people say we should raise taxes and give the money to NAMBLA. I reject that form of economic retreat.
-Don't fear for our future. Everything is fine . . .
-Tax cuts are great. Congress must be responsible and make these cuts permanent. Otherwise many wealthy families will be slightly less wealthy.
-Tax cuts. Tax cuts. Tax cuts.
-Elimating 140 programs. 112 of which are centered in Boston.
-Tax cuts. Tax cuts.
-Hey, earmark reform! Bush throws a bone to John McCain! Excellent.
-No wait. That's the line item veto he's talking about. That's a bone toward dicatorship. Sorry John.
-Make joke about my dad and Bill Clinton. Pause for laughter.
-Hillary not amused.
-Social Security is bad thanks to you bums. Hillary applauds.
-Bush mentions the superiority of the American worked. Everyone applauds but the supreme court. I just find it odd, that's all.
-Secure borders. Guest workers.
-Shot of Nick Charles? Really?
-Affordable health care. Maybe tax cuts would help?
-Oooh, maybe lawsuit reform?
-Bush briefly sounds like a liberal. No one seems to know what to do.
-Hey, lawsuit reform. A little late, but ok.
-Cut to Frist.
-America is addicted to oil. We must create methadone clinics in Alaska.
-Here come the promises . . .
-Clean energy
-Hydrogen
-Ethanol, of course. Does any one really believe this one?
-Wood chips and grass? Really?
-Oh, no more blood for oil. That sounds nice.
-American competetiveness intiative. You see, it involves eavesdropping . . .
-We should be better at the numbering maths.
-Research and development credits (tax cut).
-More science classes. We'll talk later about the biology curriculum.
-Treat each other well. Isn't that Crosby Stills and Nash?
-Welfare has fallen dramatically since we stopped funding it.
-Quiet transformation. Revolution of confidence.
-Abstinence. Should have seen that coming in the preview.
-Unethical conduct by officials, quickly move to activist judges, and on to the hurricanes.
-No wait the hurricane topic is bad, move on to the pessimists.
-Two new members of the bench. John Kerry attempts to delay the speech here.
-Turns out neither justice will legislate from the bench. They will also not drive from their bed.
-Goodbye Sandra Day.
-Did he just say we should ban human/animal hybrids? Is that a real thing? A manephant would be scary, so I'm with him on that.
-Laura Bush helping children. Hold for lame joke.
-What? No lame joke about his wife? What's the world coming to?
-Many members of congress are just weird looking. Maybe this is the animal/human hybrid thing.
-Talking faster now. Must be coming to the end.
-Faith-based groups leading the way in the fight against aids.
-Cut to Kerry.
-Now he's just throwing out random things.
-History is taking an arc to an unknown shore. What the . . .
-Courage.
-Finish well. What do you mean. Is something ending? Now I'm a little worried.
-God Bless America, and protect them from the animal/human hybrids.

And that's the show.

Bush is exiting. The commentators are saying ridiculous things. Shakes hands with the court and the cabinet. Bill Frist stands uneasily behind him. Looks like he wants someone to talk to. Poor Frist. Bush gets a hug from Landrieu and a head slap from Obama. Autograph to unknown republican congresswoman. More autographs. Is that a Senator? Have some dignity, man!

Bush still moving to the door. Secret service is discreetly imploring him to move along. Frist is still skulking nearby. Won't someone talk to Frist? Just a quick "How ya doing?".
Stuck at the door. More autographs. Nothing to see here folks. Keep it moving. A little pointing. Really the secret service should do something.

And Hastert is declaring the show over. Last call! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here . . .

So, tonight we take a break from the barely beliveable premises of 24, to watch the long running and entirely credible show "State of the Union - 2006 edition." This is the last opportunity for the president to drive his message home to the people prior to the 2006 election. It will be important for the president to deliver enough empty promises to the television viewers to make them forget that he has prempted whatever it is people watch on Tuesday nights.

Not that there will be any suspense about the content though:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/stateoftheunion/2006/index.html


What to expect tonight beyond the regular nonsense that everyone will forget come March? I predict the following:

-The state of union is good.
-There will be pointing.
-Bush will smile at inappropriate moments at least twice.
-He will wink no more than five times.
-George Bush will not kiss Joe Lieberman.
-He will feel up Joe Biden.
-John Kerry will appear dour.
-Samuel Alito will be in attendence--perhaps sitting next to Laura?
-Iraqi elections will be mentioned. Blue thumbs will be shown.
-Palestinian elections will not be mentioned.
-Eavesdropping is Ok.
-Everything is fine.
-Strength.
-Trust us.

And the show is starting on the NBC . . .

Coming up on the local news, they're going to investigate how much brain damage a bomb can cause. My money is on 'All'.

Some of the things you can do with the ever-ubiquitous protocol:

-Burrow
-Stack
-Send
-Violate
-Follow
-Work out
-Filter

I thought Wolfman Jack was dead. Looks like he's in some legal trouble.

Next episode: Mystery guest hiding behind the bed. Who will it be?

If there is one thing that annoys me more than ridiculous truck commercials it's commercials for razors. I mean really, I shave many, if not most, mornings. It's just not that exciting. Nor should it be.

See me soon? You mean you can see me? I NEED MORE INVISIBILITY CREAM!
"You believe me now?"
Walt? He's a bad, bad man.
Sending me away, like a von Trapp? Or the American Hayley Mills? Or the not-yet-tarted-up-Lindsey-Lohan?
I was able to hack into the CONTAINER SHIP MANIFEST.
We don't have any CTU teams nearby, but it's only three minutes away from downtown.
The graphics are very 'rocketboom'.
You have a green light. That means go.
Don't fire your weapons. Although if you do carry weapons, make sure they will blow a hole in anything they hit.
Get Walt Cummings in here now! Also, I'll need a funnel and a body-cavity-full of kerosene. Also, chop his feet off and make him bounce up and down till he's empty.
Moscow, it is *so* far away. And the price there is not so steep. Kevin Pollack hates America.

12:53

-Sorry maam, but you're riding in the trunk.
-Yeah, look honey. I know I didn't believe you, but Jack, the guy who lied to us about being alive and generally operates outside of the law said you were right. So, yeah, I believe you now. Sex later?
-The president can't even be tender effectively.
-Oooh, Edgar's showing off his shipping container knowledge. Not even Chloe can do that.
-Strike team is in place. Feed's up.
-Man got his payment.
-So the nerve gas is intended for domestic use.
-Ewan McGregor calling . . . and he appears to be pissed. Do not cross Ewan.

Yeah, uh, Bauer escaped. He's a force of nature.
I've overriden the distress line.
I'm done talking to you. Where. Is. The. Nerve. Gas. I will cut your eye out and hump the socket in front of the leader of the free world if I have to.
Get Walt Cumming out of my sight. Although keep him around -- I'm interested in this 'oil' thing.
I was coerced. I had faulty 'intel'.
There is one more thing we need to discuss. The fact that you're alive.
That's not good enough. I need you to become a transsexual. In Vegas. I will come see you once every month. I will carry a white carnation and be wearing a beret. On those nights, you will refer to be as 'El Presidente'.
I was hoping Logan would try to pick a fight with Bauer. Ah well.

12:42

-Honest guy lied? Who can I believe in now?
-Avoiding McGill's calls. He keep's wanting to discuss Amway.
-Excellent. Jack's kicking chief of staff ass. Yeah, of course, ther president is involved.
-The chief of staff is remarkably easy to interrogate. This has never worked before.
-Poor Walt. Got a job with an incompetent president. Can't even do a conspiracy right.
-Disregard the order. Hear that hobbit?
-Kill him Jack. Good of the country and all.
-Yeah, so we're going to need to send you on a diplomatic mission Jack. Ever been to Bejing? We have a container leaving at 5:04:32.

Coup d'état

"It may or may not be violent in nature."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coup

[12:29:49]
Mike! How's it hanging? Though I was going to shoot you, didn't you?
Heck yeah. We got ourselves a chase.
Aw, crap.
President Logan is such a featherweight. The producers of the show are staunch, staunch heroes conservatives. This president is making President Bush look like god-damned Winston Churchill.
I'm zip-tied but I can still take you all out.
"Something's wrong." I've got a sixth-sense about oppressive government bureaucracies.
If he wanted, say, a ham sandwich he'd yell at someone until they made one.
Can I talk to you? Aren't you?
It's not equivalent to a coup de etat, actually, unless Logan ends up dead. Am I right here? (Not that I'm not in favor of it, just saying.) (Note: Yep, I'm wrong. Any 'strike against the state'.)

12:24?

-Kill him Jack. He's screwing you over. He always does that.
-Ohh, black helicoptors. That's bad.
-Meetings with Mike never go well.
-Mike is being detained because Jack almost told him secrets?
-Terminate CTU's involvement. Makes sense. Now that Tony and Michelle are out of the picture, it's really mostly extras.
-Honest guy and Jack have a quiet, yet knowing moment.
-The president doesn't take the hobbit's calls.
-Disregard the order. Now you're thinking like Jack.
-You don't have the experience hobbit! And everyone knows you're wearing lifts.
-They're keeping Jack in a room with horse feed?
-Equivalent to a coup de tat? That sounds awfully French . . .

You are having a breakdown.
What's the truth, ma'am?
'Unlock code verified.' Was that stuck on with a magnet? And was that a keyboard? Is there a need for full text entry?
What the hell? Is this some sort of weird matchmaking venture now?
Not if the Chinese have anything to do with it...
I even loved you as I was torturing your husband. Even more so.
"Baby, I gotta bounce."
Apparently it's easy to sneak around the southwest gate of the President's compound after a major terrorist incident without much trouble.
Jack Bauer's forcing my hand.
Never pose a threat?
Who the hell are you calling?
Proof of WMD in central Asia.
How dare you put this country in jeopardy?
We [heart] oil.
Whoa, he admitted to killing Palmer?
Whoa, there Walt, my Presidency has been a disaster thus far... Hell, I wanted to rest my laurels on the treaty with the Ruskies.

'When a Stranger Calls' looks like the most formulaic movie ever made. I've even heard 'The call is coming from inside the house!' in another trailer. On purpose. (P.S. The actress owes her fame to Steven Segal.)

12:14

-Hey the honest guy. Everyone likes the honest guy.
-I'm not Mrs. Logan. I'm a horse! A pretty, pretty horse . . .
-At the end of the day, honest guy is still a company stooge.
-CHiP reports nothing sir, but Officer Poncherella hasn't reported in yet.
-Clearly this guy hasn't seen the same video as the president.
-The request for payment always results in death.
-Frasier lady is going to get into a fight with Audrey. I put my money on the Frasier lady. Good, hardy Okie stock.
-Jack, it's Audrey. I don't love you. Good luck out there. Oh, and I'm still pissed about last season.
-And Audrey is the first person to really lose perspective on the whole saving the world thing.
-I think this is the premise of a George Jones song.
-Oh, geez. It took Bauer three years to cry, and he's already doing it two years later. Pansy.
-President on the phone. Likely he's just yelling orders to the dial tone.
-Walt is not in league with Mike Novick? Oh, really? We released nerve gas to the breakaway republic terrorist?
-Oh, this is terrible plan. Oh, holy crap. Weapons of mass destruction in Central Asia. I wonder if the terror camp is in the Iraqistani region.

Previously: Canisters, Moscow = Graveyard, Walt = Mole, Spencer-for-hire = Mole, The White House = Corrupt. Shocker.
Mike Novick can isolate Cummings.
"... actually, it's my call, but whatever."
This is about the nerve gas...
I'm sorry I'm so distant? We're in a god-damned office surrounded by simple-minded bureaucrats and, apparently, fifty moles.
Late for a briefing.
That rocks. "It's Jack Bauer. Call me on a secure line."
SW Gate
Derek and the Dominos!
Diane, uh, no. You're lousy in the sack. Sorry.
"Mr. Bauer, transportation's standing by." $536, please.
Powerbooks are fancy. And sinister.
[12:10]

24 -- Episode five:

The following takes place between 12:00PM and 1:00PM . . .

-A little exposition to start the show.
-Jack: I looked Mike Novick in the eye and I know his heart. We can trust him.
-Work out the protocols before you go.
-Cummings is going to go after Jack again? Should I remember who that is? e.e.?
-Ewan McGregor?
-Mike Novick is showing us that nerve gas is indeed bad. That was primarily for the benefit of the president.
-That must be the text messaging thing I've heard so much about.
-"Tell no one"
-Mike, the former co-conspirator, is not comfortable with this conspiracy.
-Look kid, I can't stop and talk. I have to meet the president in 15. And with the traffic and all it will take at least ten minutes to get across town.
-No woman from Frasier, it's not Audrey. I've killed or tortured almost all of her family. Of course there are still a few surviors, so maybe there is a little spark left.
-And that's the exit of the woman from Frasier. The plot carries on with out her.
-White House mole is on to Jack.
-There is only one way out for you.

Ok, episode six is coming up in a minute. If I remember correctly, the first mole has been exposed, Tony is coming to so he can die later, first lady has gone to ground, nerve gas, Audrey and the woman from Frasier haven't fought yet, a hobbit is running the show (and prediction here is that he's a mole), and I think Jack was going to pay a personal visit to the president.

And let's do the unavoidable and see what's on before 24 this week . . .

And it's ice skating thing. I think that's Debbie "Deborah" Gibson. Perhaps she won? Maybe, only in her dreams, as real as it may seem . . .

Ok, one more thing . . .

When George Bush starts a sentence with "I'm not a lawyer, but . . .", you know it's going to be entertaining. The man does not disappoint.

According to the local news, van full of guns = van + 2 rifles + 1 handgun.

Maybe Jack Bauer has desensitized me to weapons, but I think the local news is a little overly sensational.

Ok, I can't watch this anymore. Until next week . . .

How do you fail to break into a convenience store? It's all glass. This reporter is way too excited for the scope of this story.

Ha, he left behind his ball cap. Turns out he's a red sox fan. Our profile says he's likely morose and argumentative. Police are canvassing the neighborhood, asking residents their opinion of Johnny Damon.

You know, I like making fun of the ridiculous 24 software terminology, but really no one gets it right. Even the remarkably good Matrix Reloaded computer hacking scene was still tarnished by the earlier 'Finding Morpheus' scrolling CompuServe page in the first movie. 'Mission: Impossible' ("Die Buch von Job") could be re-edited to be five times better, too. De Palma could add another crane shot if he wants. Just make the 'email' at least a little less preposterous. Any other movies that are good/horrendous with technology?

(In case you were wondering, yes, 'The Net' is grandfathered in with a lifetime achievement award.)

The local news is so bad . . .

A car runs into a house. Find out how far it had to go before it hit the wall. Coming up after the weather.

Seriously, monkeys . . .

The worst thing about them is that they seem to like meetings too much. Other than that, how bad can it be.

And the other person...
Hey, Tony Almeda is back. Suit up, I'll meet you in the vehicle depot in ten.
I thought you were just another loser, but now I know you were just living a lie. The doctor told me a lot of stuff about you. Apparenly you've been legally dead seventeen times and you've had your arm surgically reattached twice.
Broken ribs... check.
Heck yeah. I love the ... HOLY CRAP IT'S OVER? LAME.
Who told you to let this man in? He's not going to say the White House... Oh.
I'm not CTU, Rudy. All I have to do to get in the record books is be on the field for one play, player.

11:53

-Mike, the evil chief of staff, seems like a good candidate.
-Tony is about to be heroic. Perhaps giving key information in his dying breath?
-Look kid. If Tony dies because I stopped to talk to you, I'll kill you, resurrect you, and kill you again. I know how.
-Spencer works for NSA?
-Security at CTU is the worst.
-Wow. Jack's great in a scissor fight. [Note: The other guy was reaching for a Post-It-Note. Scissors beats paper anyday.]
-Stop stabbing yourself. Why do you keep stabbing yourself?
-Cracked rib. First Jack injury of the season.
-The guy was here to fix the copier. I figured it was ok to let him in.
-Kill him!
-Pansy . . .
-Yeah, let's go see the president. He's in the phone book, right?

Who writes these local car dealer commercials? And why do they think that non-stop football metaphors will sell cars?

They've been searching for her near her house. Sorry to ruin the suspense for everyone.

You're right, Hank was going to put some lead in Server 9...
"Stop asking so many questions. Do I have to get Walt to chloroform you again?"
So, my husband's having me committed. I smell suicide.
Spencer Wolf? Really? I can't believe Jack Bauer wasn't named 'Flash Trueblood".
Burrowing into protocols?
Security subsystem.
"I told you I was..." STFU, llama! Eighteen times, mofo!
Whoa, Chloe.
C'mon hanging from the shower rod...
Marty?
"Aaron, my wife is gone."
Marty's on the run, baby! Whoo.

11:43

-The entire residence of the first lady is outfitted with hotel room furniture.
-From the eerie flute music, I'm pretty sure that the first lady is about to do a Chuck Norris impersonation.
-Unlock the FJ volume? Not even Chloe can do that.
-Damn straight. With Spencer out of the way, now I can make my move. Oh, and he has a natural keyboard. Score!
-Chloe should really leave the personal life at home . . .
-Spencer is cool and collected. Clearly he is not a real programmer.
-Evelyn you're here. That must mean you're leaving?
-The first lady is hopped up on prozac and on the run. Take her down!

And is ice skating really an effective lead-in for this show. How much of that audience do you think they retain?

Rudy gave him Level 2? Aw, snap!
"I accepted him for who he was." Oh, what, you didn't? Gosh, that was a mistake, wasn't it?
We were totally not seeing each other after I killed your husband, right?
"Jack, you made a hard decision. I never imagine I'd get another chance to tell you this: I want you to know that I don't blame you for what happened with Paul." (Him, you know, dying after you pointed a gun at the doctor and told him not to treat Paul and all.)
"Setting up a new socket?" Do you know how to do that?
"Get into your Utilities volume"? The kids and their slang...
You have to know that everyone in the server room is a mole. They should just have an alarm that goes off if anyone walks in.
"Could you please open the header file and give it to me."
Hank? Is that an assassin name? Or a computer consultant name?
"Keep you off the manifest."
"Keep vector counts the same, or they'll get flagged."
This is fantastic. Whenever technology is mentioned, the writers hump into the script every remotely related term they picked up off of their girlfriend's cousin who 'likes computers and stuff'. Please hire us. Please.

11:24

-Everyone's surprised you're here Jack. We figured you would have killed your CTU escorts. I guess we'll give you security clearance.
-Alternate mole theory. It's the hobbit. You heard it here first.
-Tony's going to pull through. Setting up that heroic death quite nicely.
-So Jack's single? I mean, I'm not getting back with my ex-husband now.
-He meant a lot to us. And he still needs to take care of that fence.
-Jack is clearly giving Audrey the "tell-her-about-the-killing-and-torture-and-I'll-kill-your-other-siblings" look.
-Nice starlight lamps in the president's residence. I hope my tax dollars don't pay for that.
-Spencer is clearly the early mole, but the hobbit is a strong candidate for the real one.
-Ah, just level three clearance. No better than Edgar is he?
-I missed something. Is he going to bump off the server?

If only I had a walkie talkie from Nextel that connected from coast-to-coast. Oh, and a huge fort made of couch cushions. That would be great.

(Commercial) You don't have to impress us with gas mileage if a head-on collision between your cars creates a super-car. That's some cool technology -- a cross between Pokemon and regular demolition derbies.
---
"That can only be military-grade...."
Evacuation scenarios? It's Los Angeles, brother.
Hey, they've got task lists!
Well, if you didn't know Spencer was a mole, raise your hand...
"Why didn't you tell me Jack was alive?" Are you freakin' kidding me? Although, Edgar probably tells the corpse of his mother still rotting in his living room everything. I don't know why that's hilarious to me, but it is.
Yes, please check Derek out by a doctor. Start with the head. A short-back-and-sides would be good, too.
[11:24:09]
---
(Commercial) 24 fans *really* like cellphones.
---

11:16

-You can tell by the dirt on the rat that it was originally from Missouri.
-Gotta finish the shell script. Not even Edgar can do that.
-We need everyone we have. Call in the other Hobbits. And the guy with the sword. Oh, and the old guy too. He was all magical or something.
-Secretly bury the nerve gas under the airport, and then stage a sucide mission to retreive it. It's so obvious.
-Oh, Edgar has an 'in'
-Yeah, Edgar, you're her best friend . . .
-Seriously people all programmers are just like Edgar. Some have more facial hair.
-Interview her about her childhood. Her likes, her dislikes. Does she like movies? Maybe she digs hobbits. No, I'm not wearing lifts. Why do you ask?
-Yes, I knew Jack. He killed, tortured, or otherwise endangered much of my family. Oh, and he likes soft jazz. Other than that, great guy.

... the tricks are getting harder ... graphic violence. If they were to merge the realism of Skating with Celebrities with the surreal melting-clocks bonanza of 24, we might have a ratings winner.

Cases, cases, cases.
After Ocean's Eleven, *everyone* uses a SWAT van for cover.
Does Yellow Tie look like President Logan's son?
Mmm, chloroform.
Hey, they used a crowbar to pop the lock. It wasn't too long ago that we would have seen a C4 charge or corrosive acid -- at minimum someone would have shot the thing off.
Dead pigeons.
Ooh, Moscow into a graveyard.
Step back, Sherlock Holmes, you're right ... by 'came back in', I'm saying I wasn't 'in'. Can't fool you, Mr. President.
By the way, this actor (Gregory Itzin) was on an episode of Firefly. Same damn performance. Brilliant.
"Sir, we've got to throw the nut job into the crazy bin."
He's going to the port?
Man, you can't take out Jack Bauer... unless you have some... oh, he has someone on the inside.

24 -- Episode five:

The following takes place between 11:00AM and 12:00PM . . .

11:00

-Heh, the old magnet sign over another sign trick. The cops always fall for it.
-Enjoy your last minutes CTU escorts . . .
-Yeah, ok. That swat logo looks real enough. Go ahead . . .
-Oh, no. The first lady has been sniffing chloroform again.
-The first bad angle ever on a camera accessed by CTU.
-Oh, I bet there's a nerve gas type of bomb in the hanger.
-Someone killed these rats. But who? Get forensics on it. I suspect Missus Boots.
-You didn't come back, you left. Very existential of the lightweight president.
-Yeah, important phone call from the Secretary of . . . umm . . . homeland strategery? What you mean that doesn't exist. I order that it exists!
-Sure, don't take out Jack when you have a gun to his head. Wait until he's in CTU.
-Aha, a mole in CTU. Definitely Chloe's one-nighter.

I can't believe I picked the 'Derrick Thomas' spelling of the punk kid's name over the 'Derek and the Dominos' version. More Layla, less Linebacker.

Correction: It's Scott Hamilton, and apparently he was not in Star Wars.

Ok, a half hour until Jack wreaks mayhem on the two unsuspecting CTU agents who are taking him in. Dave Attell has exited the show. Jack learned he needs to catch up on the most recent protocols. A hobbit is making the CTU director call him sire. Jack's love interest and snot-nosed kid are heading to the oh-so-safe confines of CTU headquarters. Oh, and the presidents wife is as looney as Mame Eisenhower during the polka dotting of the West Wing debacle.

So, to further my education, let's see what show is leading into 24 tonight . . .

Oh, holy crap . . . It's the celebrity skating thing. Seventies disco music, with an eighties star combined with an activity that no one cares about unless the participants wear disney heads. Is that Mark Hamill? Or is Mark Hamill the guy who played Luke Skywalker? I'm probably getting something wrong there.

Oh, great. Next is Debbie "Deborah" Gibson with an Andrew Dice Clay look-a-like. Ok, that's all I can take. Back with 24 . . .

Jack Bauer Saves Japan

It's important to piece together the timeline of the last eighteen months, so take a look at the following videos which should resolve any disputes as to whether or not Jack left the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area and indeed saved Japan from certain annihilation.




Source: 24weblog.com.

Please don't be nuclear.... Yes!

[10:51] "Please take Derrick [Derek] away. Away from all Fox cameramen. Please."
What a baby.
Matthew Perry should really get a new agent.
"I need a few moments with you." ... Okay, tiger. Give me some time to recharge.
President Logan is *such* a horrible President. I'll give President Bush some slack for illegal domestic spying and his total disdain for the rule of law as long as he's not a pinko like this guy.
"Jack Bauer has a lot to answer for."
Oh, look, they're placing Jack under arrest. That worked out well last season.
We had a problem with Chevensky.
[10:57] You've got to be kidding me.
Gas masks.
Key card. can't make the big box beep otherwise.
And now.... King Rameses II.
Ah, yes! We've rescued the frozen embryos slated for (gasp) scientific research! This hole we've dug also shows the strata for the entire 6,000 years of Earth's history. Look at the fully intact Jesus horse!
Okay, maybe mix it up a little. Nuclear's been done, baby.
Ether? Do people still use Ether on a hankerchief? Or was that in the Forties?

10:51

-Oh, good lord kid. It took Jack three years to cry.
-Yes, go to CTU. Really, nothing bad happens there. You will be completely safe.
-See, when you're crazy, your credibility is so much lower.
-That's Mr. Bill to you, hobbit.
-No, I said thank you!
-Curtis, he's just going to kill the guys who are escorting him. Do you not watch this show?
-All of this to get the key card to an abandoned part of the airport? Couldn't the baggage manager have done this without the big diversion?
-No good will come to the two guys escorting Bauer to CTU.
-I wonder if Gary Bauer watches this show.
-Aha! I have the correspondance. Drink more ovaltine? What the . . .

Jack-booted thugs. That one's on the house.
I really like forensic anthropology.
Sweet Lord, he's doing the flank-2 thing again.
Curtis missed that day in special agent school, I guess.
A protocol-filter. Seriously.
We *detected* a duress code? He f*cking said it you commie Nazi. What kind of protocol makes people remember the new codes that will mean different things. It was only eighteen months ago. [Note: Not really. He was the liason for the DoD at the start of last season and certainly not on active duty.] Oh. My. God. Classic 24. I love it. The complete lack of care
He's got a handgun?
Sign the God-damned thing you pinko.
Kill them all.
Jack is a bad-ass. Total bad-a... Oh. should have shot him in the face.
Hey, Rudy is a pencil-pushing dynamo.
"The rescue operation that *I* authorized is as sexy as I am."
[10:47] "I'm looking for a man with a yellow tie. It brought out his pale blue, expressive eyes. Anyone? I saved your f*cking lives, people, the least you could do was look at me when I'm God-damed taling to you."

10:39

-Um, I'm pretty sure you said no cell phones. That seems little hypocritcal, if I do say so.
-I said FLANK TWO position! FLANK TWO.
-When Jack was on the job, the protocols were different. Ok, that's officially the first obviously ridiculous thing of the season.
-Again, why don't the terrorists just kill Jack? He'd do it to them.
-Mayhem, no wait. Oh, that flank two.
-Dave Attell, NO!. Oh well, at least there's no hair to clean up.
-Yes, I authorized this. I would have been there with a sniper rifle, if I weren't here.
-Officer, please pin a note to this kid and get him to his mother.
-Look kid. I have to go kill a bunch of people. If I can kill enough of them, I won't kill you when I get back.
-Has anyone seen the guy who was obviously a mole? How did no one else notice?

Yeah, bunch of monkeys. If only . . .

Oh, ok. Maybe he's Rudy. Is he really not a hobbit? I will still refer to him as a hobbit.

10:29

-Sure we have people being executed across town. But we've got a schedule to meet. As God as my witnees, we WILL NOT MISS OUR STATE DINNER!
-That's pretty much the complex, hihgly unlikely plan that I would expect Dave Attell would come up with.
-The hobbit is smarter than he looks.
-Look McGill, I don't deal well with the Irish, just tell me what you want to see.
-That was the least smooth handoff I've ever seen.

"Bill, the President isn't familar with the stretchy-fingers motion."
Hey, Rudy is a smart fella! Finally, a bureaucrat with Jack-like mental powers.
Jack-and-Coke. Just saying.
"Ms. O'Brien, you're a stone fox."
Hey, we found the key card! I know each and every one of us have enough C4/Semtex to blow a steel vault, but with that keycard we can really do some damage!

Curtis clearly didn't pick on up WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY DID.
What the frick is Rudy doing?
They should take a page from the Russian playbook. Get a few canisters of super-poisonous Zyklon-B and fill the theater, er, the airport with it. Sort it out later.
The Russian 'Presidency' can't be a mockery. I was 'elected' by the people of Mother Russia to not be mocked.
Walt is new to the mole business.
What is her name, actually?
Aided and abetted. Hmm. Not a lawyer.
Today was supposed to be the crowing achievement of my otherwise shining Presidency!

Blah blah blah, Ginger.

10:11

-Yeah, Jack almost never gives false information for personal reasons. I trust him.
-The hobbit is laying down the law.
-There's no time for prefixes, son!
-Al Pacino?
-Yes, you screwed up kid. Now shut up while I clean up your mess.
-It seems a little less than sensitive to sign the accord now rather than a few hours from now.
-Does the Russian president really have much high ground to discuss failed rescue attempts?
-Juliet's confidant wasn't much better.
-I'm sorry ma'am. I'm going to need to see what's in your blouse.

The "Dawn Brigade"? Was "Palmolive Cadre" taken? "Joy Luck Club" definitely was, I suppose.
Was that a modem sound?
Ring ring.
Hi, this is Bill. My friends call me Bill.
"The President must make a public statement."
Did he say "data mine the call"?
Goodbye, Generic Businessman/Husband #1. All we are is dust in the wind. Duuuust ... in the wind.
[9:26] Goodbye, hipster chick. Oh, holy crap, it's Derrick.
---
General note: These commercials are ridiculous.
---
[9:31:08] "Terror will be met with terror."
Mrs. Logan sees a connection! (To a bearded pineapple floating in the middle of the Indian Ocean with a poor sense of smell! Find the dollars in the raft!)
Emily isn't buying it. The aide to a crazy lady isn't likely to put her superior deductive skills in use enough to uncover a Government-wide conspiracy. Just saying.
Yo, I need to ID the frequency of the detonator.
Alter Jack's phone to emit another frequency. Also, he doesn't have a soldering iron and isn't Chuck Norris-enough to roundhouse kick the phone into submission.
"This is off protocol isn't it?" (Insert joke about Chloe and Spencer's magical night of Mad Dog and Beenie Weenies.)
"You are the single greatest bandwidth mind in the history of modern science, Skip." "It's Spencer, actually."
The Secret Service detail seem to be a bunch of errand boys, apparently.
"President Logan is old-fashioned that way."
Access is restricted. Um, no you can't borrow it.
"In three seconds, I am going to scream louder than any woman you've ever heard in your life." She's a pistol, that one.
[9:37] That guy is *totally* going to write a book. Soon.
---
Shouldn't Curtis know that the main guy should be taken out first?
Dude, say you're thirteen.
Now, I'm choking.
Dude, don't use the "I have a wife." excuse. Tell him you're from a breakaway republic in ... Mongolia.
Well, you're not going to blow them up now.
Submenu. 6339. The phone needs to reboot. The star key. Reflash the ROM?
Was that Dimitri's vest? Yuri? Vlad? Doug? Bruce? Jeff? What's-his-name, the guy with the sideburns?
Run circuit tests on your vests?
Cheesus crust, President Logan is such an ass.
Rewind: "I don't care what it takes... fix it!" Did you *tell* your guy to save a hostage? Jack Bauer? Holy crap!
If you're thinking that Republican Presidents aren't really like this, I've seen people like this on television.
---
Heck yeah, you're a death-dealer.
The new Medicare plan sucks, that's why.
---
The Secret Service. Nice career choice. Thought you'd be catching counterfeiters, didn't you?
Are you sure my son is alive? I mean, it's totally cool if he got shot in the face.
"Mitch, clean up that mess in the Archive room."
Walt, what an ass.
Some writer likes Aldous Huxley.
Stupid Bill/Walt/Terrorist #1.
Hostages up! There's a fifteen-year-old that Walt somehow knows the details about.
"If you want to save the boy, present yourself now!"
[9:59] Did he call him Faresh?
Jack gets handcuffed like a little punk. Should have shot Derrick himself. (Insert epinephrine joke.)
---
I. Love. The. Fox. Local. News.
---
It's like every season involves some mole at the White House.
Falls to less than 20%. What the hell kindof math is that.
"Prepare to reconfigure."
Heck yeah, the President is a weak man.
Looks like a hippie getting offed. Looks like a Vietnam-era hippie who's about twenty-three.
What part of "The United States does not negotiate with terrorists." does the President not get?
Jack, tell your buddies to put down their guns and attack us with their bare fists. Tell them we bruise like a peach.
Ruuuudy!!! Let me in for one play, coach!
A central vantage point?
Mr. McGill... Clearly someone is a Bruce McGill fan.
[10:12] "I am in a flank-2 position. Repeat, I am in a flank-2 position" Even to Dave Attell, that should sound like code. Anything that's "I like tacos. Repeat, I like tacos." sounds suspicious.
Flank-2 is a little like Cover-2, but the defensive back doesn't need to spy the tailback in the I-formation.

10:00AM-11:00AM

Do we really need a "previously on 24" section? Wasn't that what we've been watching for the last hour?

10:00

-Yes, always assume Jack has been killed. That's worked in the past.
-20% chance of success without Jack? What kind of terrorist sabermetrics are they using?
-For a tough guy, Jack gives up a lot of information.
-The terrorists are not at all subtle in disguising their inside guy.
-Yes sir. No one thinks you're a failure. You've done a great job sir. No, we can't get David Palmer here sir.
-The crazy first lady is the first person to ever demonstrate perspective on this show.
-Shut up kid. I'm only saving you so I can kill you later.
-"We're running out of time"! Excellent.
-Miguel? Isn't he a hobbit or something? I'm positive I heard his name wrong.
-I don't mean to get in the way, but you'll need to bow down to me from here on out.
-Ok, McGill not Miguel. That makes more sense.
-Jack sells out again. Unless Flank 2 position means something special. Maybe something along the lines of "I'm lying to protect a pinhead kid."

9:52

-The honest guy is catching on. Don't lie to the honest guy.
-I sincerely hope my tax dollars don't go to maintaining paper transcripts of all telephone conversations. This, by the way, is exactly the kind of record-keeping that got Nixon in trouble.
-I got what I came for. I have definitive proof that the leprechauns are in on todays actions. And Bill Cosby is a Marmot. No, a Koala . . .
-Damn pinhead kid.
-Shoot the kid Jack! Shoot him!
-So this is the point where I wonder why the terrorists don't just go ahead and kill Jack.

What the hell kind of tie is Tim Kaine wearing? He looks like he's wearing his dad's tie.

9:42?

-Woohoo. The season's first "We're running out of time"!
-Just relax kid. Take deep breaths and pretend we're all naked.
-Trigger frequency? Reboot the phone? What? I'm so old . . .
-Deux vest machina?
-Perhaps we should have an inquiry into this explosion before we proceed. Maybe a bipartisan panel.
-Been a little busy here mister president.
-That was almost a "running out of time". I won't count it though.

9:31

-We the people of the Genericistan Russian Breakaway Republic (GRBP) demand our independence.
-David Palmer tried to warn me about this by sending me thought waves. Or was that David Letterman? I'm not sure but I think there was a long drum roll.
-Does anyone actually supervise CTU?
-Spencer is more than a little adept at the bandwidth. Know what I mean Edgar?
-Oh, hey that guy. He's honest, right?
-What? You don't know to flush. That's the first lady standing in frount of you.
-Hey! Hey! Wash your hands man!

Hey, the first Hardee's commercial! Oh, this time it looks like there's a diet artery clogger. Now you can eat two! It's like the Ernie Banks of the fast food world.

9:21

-What do you mean people might die? Here, I am now signing an executive order compelling the terroists to release the hostages.
-Bill Buchanan may speak on behalf of the president. But it really means so much less since Richard Gere starting speaking on behalf of the entire world.
-Travis Tritt?
-I clearly ordered no hostages to be killed. This is a violation. A violation I say!
-Sometimes I wonder about Jack's priorities. Sure the first guy, no problem. But let's risk the entire mission to save the annoying teenager.

9:00] Police police police. Mass hysteria, cats chasing dogs.
Another bonus for LAPD public relations.
First casualty.
All cellphones and pagers up front, people. On the honor system -- as a personal favor to me...
This also gives the hosties the idea that they should call 911.
Let's search the other rooms.
Ah, yes, the 'crawlspace'.
Lowering their security level by 1.
Aren't you dead, Jack?
I want you out of there now.
10-12 people who don't know they're dead yet...
Note: I should think about getting a photo-phone.
Blah blah blah blah blah, Victor.
His lapel pin is huge!
"Terrorists?" Is Logan familiar with the world in which he lives? I'm shocked, shocked, shocked...
"This is terrible news."
Off the NTSB server.
Try using blahdy blah adaptive search. Protocol violations. More like 26.
Gotta love the breakaway Russian republics.
His speech would make more sense if we'd ever had a commie terrorist attack since the 30's.
Great. A generic bunch of seperatists.
Sixteen months.
Your entire administration rests on chumming up with the Russians?
"I don't care what it takes... fix it!" What about the ACLU scenes from last season? (Torture? TORTURE?)
Dammit, now I can't shoot the hostages.
"Diane, listen to me, I promise you on my life I'll get Derrick back to you..." (He's killed himself five or six times, yes?)

24 Season Five, Episode 3.

The following takes place between 9:00 AM - 10:00 PM . . .

9:00

-Ok, so Dave Attell has taken some hostages in an extremely open airport.
-Is the cop Matthew Perry? He's fallen pretty far.
-Please turn off your cell phones and pagers for the duration of the performance.
-No one will see me hiding in the luggage. It's just like Drew Berrymore in ET.
-He did kill your husband Audrey. Perhaps you should give him a little less benefit of the doubt.
-Jack using the nifty display of the cell phone is good product placement. The hostage getting shot for trying to use his cell phone is bad product placement.
-Who decided to let Ontario build an airport in Los Angeles?
-Wow, that's even less open than Bush.
-MP6 adaptive search. Not even Edgar can do that.
-Russian breakaway republic. Good plan not to actually mention the Chechens.
-After all this planning the president did for the summit, the terroists are coming off as a little insensitive.
-Tell Diane, Frank says hi.
-Damn pinhead kid. I'll kill him.

Names of characters played by Louis Lombardi, a.k.a. Edgar Stiles:

Eddie, Teamster, Snake, Deputy Sparky, Rental House Manager, Mike, Strausz, Matt, Mickey, Louie, Cal, Jimmy Whistles, Otto Sinclair, Fatty, Leoni, Philly Babe, Pole Cat Bar Patron #3, Joey, Alphonse 'Big Al' Moorley, Slim Jim, Poker Player #2, Chief Gugliamino, Short Order Cook #1

Spoilers. All over the place.

Okay, eighteen months later. Jack/Frank is a migrant derrick worker (who apparently isn't all that great at his job) and former President Palmer is putting together his memoirs. Tony and Michelle are in the private sector designing greeting cards or something, while Chlöe and Edgar are still with CTU. Bill is still running the place and Audrey is coming in as the DoD liason. President Logan is still petty and ridiculous and we find out that his wife is crackers.

A large treaty is planned to be signed by Logan and an inbound Russian president.

1. President Palmer gets taken out by a sniper.
2. Tony and Michelle get blown up. Well, Michelle's car blows up and there's a second blast which engulfs Tony after he rushes outside. Possibly a second charge on a twenty-five second timer or they want us to believe the gas tank is immune to the front of the car exploding.
3. Chlöe freaks out and is followed by the same guy who offed Palmer. She breaks radio silence and calls Jack's cellphone.
4. Jack steals a helicopter and flys to Los Angeles with the Derrick kid of his love interest (who followed Jack/Frank) in tow.
5. He finds Chlöe but she was followed by the band of assassins. So yes, they've taken out a President and two crack field agents, but Chlöe was just too much for them to this point. Jack is sufficiently badass and takes them all out, but Chlöe shoots the guy who killed President Palmer. He's got a few hits just south of center mass and, despite a ruptured diaphram, is able to tell Jack the plan. Unfortunately, the masterminds used a cutout, so this guy didn't know much more than the primary target (Palmer) and the secondary goal of framing Jack by taking out the others who knew he was alive. So there's at least a fifth person who knew he was alive.
6. CTU gets a video feed that indicates Jack Bauer as the assassin. It would be nice if Jack didn't have five or six eyewitnesses hundreds of miles away from L.A. at the time Palmer was hit, so they don't really care about the framing, just a personal grudge to get Jack back in the open?
7. Audrey informs President Logan that the primary suspect is Jack Bauer.

[08:15] Timecheck. Jack arrives at Wayne's (a.k.a. President Palmer's brother's) apartment. Diane is half an hour outside of L.A.

8. Chlöe logs into the 'wireless access point' and gets a 3D map of all the agents on her notebook PC. Jack sneaks into the building to get information on Palmer's assassination. He encounters Wayne and after a few tense moments, they find some information on Palmer's computer.

24-style plot hole: Jack is hearing everything that Chlöe says. Later on, he doesn't know about a conversation that Chlöe has with Derrick in the van.
24-style technology: IP address 292.162.12.2. It would have been a nice touch to make it 130.81.64.10.

9. There's a subplot of President Logan's crazy wife having had a conversation with Palmer the night before in which he wanted to divulge critical information. Again, to the crazy wife of an, to paraphrase Scott, incompetent executive.

24-style technology: "The traffic's redirected to an external socket. Even I don't know how to do that." Also, a faint wireless signal means she's in a parking garage.

10. They figure out that Chlöe is alive and logged in. They get a lock and try to crash their position. Chlöe bolts as a decoy and Jack and Derrick steal a car. Jack calls Diane and they plan to meet up at the Ontario Airport.
11. Terrorists of unknown ethnicity (We like the Chechens.) are seen plotting.
12. Jack hands off Derrick and finds a guy he saw mentioned in a chapter in Palmer's memoir. That guy takes a cyanide pill. Terrorists take over the airport. Derrick has run in and is now a hostage. Jack is armed and inside the building.

Guys, feel free to edit this to include all the ridiculous 24 tech and plot points. Stay tuned for more fun tomorrow.

Tim Kaine: Don't. Quit. Your. Day job.

Spoilers... Uh, stuff happens in the airport.
Tim Kaine's first day in office... No death penalties dealt out today, what a bleeding-heart liberal panzy.
"Thanks for not switching to a better news channel."

Yep, she was bonkers and oversexed on Frasier too.
And Dave Attell has definitely been radicalized.

Ah, exactly what you'd want in the season premire of 24.

-Key people are dead.
-Tony might pull through.
-Injured bad guy gives up information. A grateful Jack Bauer kills him quickly.
-Annoying family members getting in the way.
-A touch of completely made up technology.
-Edgar still doesn't get it.
-Guy with an accent as the villain. He will certainly be replaced with a guy with a different accent by the seventh episode.
-A modicum of killing, setting up even more to come.

More tomorrow. In the meantime, why is Tim Kaine singing on my television?

8:54

-Your mom's hot, huh?
-Say a word about the guns, and I'll cut your throat.
-Yeah, go to CTU. Nothing bad happens there.
-Wasn't she on Frasier?
-Looks like the baggage supervisor is down to his last minutes.
-Yeah, everything's fine. Nothing bad can happen on the ground.
-Dave Attell? Really?
-Yeah, everyone listens to the crossing guard.
-Have you seen Jack? White guy. Might be wearing sunglasses.
-Oh wow, double points for using cyanide pills.
-Hmm, this seems like a bad place to take hostages.

[8:54] How can it be almost over?
You're a good kid.
Roaaaad-triiiip!
Jack's pretty bad-ass. I like that he looks at things, but he still has a landing strip problem.
The music's getting really ominous. No explosion?
I hope Logan stays close to the Russian president. Rooting for the terrorists now.
Derrick...
Cyanide? Put some Sodium thiosulfate in that mo-fo. (Photographic fixer.)
Mmm. Almonds.
Everyone: "What is he Arab?"
Maybe some sanity out of Logan.
Walt's voice.
Nevermind.
Listen, if you're interested in getting rid of Logan, there are easier ways.
Eminem loves the rap. And the ladies.

Chechens.

And I still call it a laptop. Then again, I'm nothing like Edgar.

8:45? - I don't know. I was still floored by the Sprint commercial.

-I know I've put your kid in danger, but really this happens all the time. He's probably going to die.
-No, you're not going to find his body.
-We have ways to make you talk Chloe. Someone tell Jack he has an interrogation to . . . Oh, nevermind.
-Yeah, kid. I could have told you the truth. You're completely trustworthy, like all angst ridden teenagers.
-I care about you, but I will kill you if you irritate me. Remember that always.
-Ok, new theory. The first lady is being given drugs to keep her all crazy like.
-Chatter. Never get tired of hearing that word.
-Ah, so it's a diversion to off the Russian president and start a war.
-Chechens?
-Clearly, Mike is in on it. You can tell by the shape of his head.

[8:42] Beep-bop-boop. Derrick is allright. 210 at the 10. West side of the parking lot. You know, non-agency types think in terms of east and west.
Chloe wasn't under duress.
She looks like crap, Mr. Buchanan.
She's clearly a murderer. Look at all the insubordination.
Edgar, computer guy, stick Chloe in a holding cell.
I know she told you, SHE WAS SPEAKING INTO MY EARPIECE.
I like familes. I've had five of them.
Or a fifth chance.
I really do care about you. I hope you can understand I'd like to shoot you in the eye and screw the wound. Ah yes, Neverland Ranch, here we are.
There isn't. Unstable ex-CTU agent.
$500 government tape recorder.
Art & Action.
Ooh, White House mole.
Dr. Hill. Sounds like the mole.
Sanity. It's the new black.
She friggin' told you what was going on Audrey.
"The president MAY NOT HAVE A CHOICE."
After your strike. What language was that? French? Belgian?
[8:49] President Logan is such a stupid, stupid man.

"What if there was a phone from Sprint that was as advanced on the inside as it was on the outside"

I'm going to let the stupidity of that comment set in for a bit.

Seriously, that's what it said.

Cool, he looks foreign.
Chevensky
Secret Service is changing its deployment!
Eff. Bee. Eye. F-B-I Mother****ers.
Check the kitchen. Big ass kitchen.
Can't hide the guy fresh-from-an-ass-kicking?
Ooh, wooden stairs. Someone will be shot through the stairs.
C'mon Jack.
Baggage supervisor at the airport.
Agent O'Brien? She's not a field agent is she?
Don't yell "Don't shoot at them".
Jack's back, baby.
Clear the god-damned glass from the back, maybe.
FYI, Fords are easy to break into. Don't buy any Fords.

8:32

-Ah, the new bad guy. Can't pick up the accent though.
-No need for post-it notes, just put the address in the middle of an encrypted file. I do the exact same thing.
-No, the sunglasses should be enough of a disguise.
-Chloe just signed the death warrant of the agent in the kitchen.
-I'm telling you, the close door button isn't even wired to anything.
-Sorry, for the intrusion. Vote Quimby!

8:36

-Yeah, just ram through the armed people. Once you get outside, everything will be great.
-I am a government patsy!
-Isn't that exactly what David Palmer has been talking on those insurance commercials. It's bad enough you killed him. Now you're stomping on his legacy.

Shield.
Crap TV show.
Geico. Used to be funnier. I hate European, even if he does sound like a chimney sweep.
Wanna lose weight and remember what it was like to grow up in the sixties? Eat yogurt!
Ah, yes, call it Raymond.

President Palmer! He faked his death! But why? Get me a list of all the cougars in the area.

Ha! Nancy Kerrigan. I bet there's going to be crying.

Percussion, frag.
Head towards the city. By the way, LA is a giant metropolitan area.
"... spec-a-lation."
... deployment plans, but names are written on little clipboards.
Can you get a wireless access point?
Agents transponders.
Bad-ass.
Levity? Unneeded.
Penthouse key.
Can't you wear a hat?
Neck shots are only when you miss the head.
Also, rub your fingerprints on as many surfaces as possible.
MacOS. Rock on.
292.162.12.2. Is 292 the new 555?
... Uh, because the gun isn't silenced?
And because you're trying to cover your tracks.
Take the gun, Wayne.
Wow, Diet Coke with Splenda tastes like Australian coke.
I like the news. Between 10 and 11. You know, the local LA news. The squirrel-riding-a-wakeboard Chet-the-weatherguy news.
Wow, the MacOS is really sophisticated. And Government-designed software has unneeded graphical glitz.
Higher-level access code. JJ72. I think someone likes Good Times.
"Redirected to an external socket." Even I don't know how to do that...
Laptop. Do they still call it that?
[8:28] Wayne Palmer's building. It's faint, it's likely in the underground parking garage. It's strong, she's on top of the building. It's regular strength, she's on floor eight.

8:09

-Frank, who's Frank? You must have the wrong . . . oh right. This is Frank.
-One wrong word kid, and your mom gets you one piece at a time.
-Yeah, you're a technical analyst, right? Sure, come on in. No need to search you.
-Is that a pill doser?
-Kill him.
-Holy crap, he's really going to kill him.
-Look kid, this is just how the world works. It ain't all Teletubbies and Blues Clues.
-They'll never recognize me with these sunglasses on.
-Those door shut buttons never work. I think they just put them on there for a joke.
-Yeah, I get that all the time, but no, my name is Frank.
-No, they'll recognize you without the glasses. Put them back on!
-Look kid. I'll kill you too. I may not look like much, but I can use an assault rifle on short notice.
-I'd give my life for your brother, but I'll kill you for fun.
-Although, there was that one time where I almost killed Palmer with a sniper rifle. But you've probably forgotten season 1 by now.
-Oh geez Wayne. There's no crying in conspiracies.
-Ah, this is an old trick. It's not really loaded.

8:24

-60% is a majority, not a plurality.
-Look, even I know I'm crazy. Don't humor me.
-You can tell this guy is a mole. He's nothing like Edgar. Seriously, all programmers are exactly like Edgar. Some are taller.
-Yeah, good job Edgar, you're going to get her killed.

Sammy Jackson. Is he done making 'I-lost-a-bet' movies?
Cellphone.
Big Pharma. If you're too much of a girl to handle congestion, inhale some of our drugs.
I love subtly making fun of McDonalds. Nice job, Wendy's
H&R Block. Taxes.
Ford Fusion. Bookend ads are 20% more effective.
Pats got some bad calls.

Yes, that's right. HR Block is so fast, it's dangerous. Accountants are edgy, man.

I love the "Graphic Violence" lead-ins.
Holy crap, Palmer's dead!
Waiit fur tomorrowwwww-uaaahhh-ooohahunnahh.
Why does that set-up look like a good idea?
DoD liason. Right, you need to deploy blah to the blahdy blah blah.
Frame grab.
A hi-res filter. Holy crap.
I need to find out who really killed President Palmer.
IA deployment grid.
"... The only reason you're concious is because I don't want to carry you." Cool.
Apparently, preliminary tests suck at detecting doctored video.
"Spencer also won't empty the old coffee filters and he's a pee-and-walk-out kinda guy if you know what I mean."
Walt: I know you'd like a better lob.
The DoD liason gets to brief the President. Okay.
He and his men are all dead.
White people are the new bad guys. Fancy.
We launch in less than an hour? Aw, crap.

24 Season Five, Episode 1.

The following takes place between 8:00 AM - 9:00 PM . . .

Ok, so we've gotten rid of most of the loose ends of last season. I still think Tony will die, but now I'm predicting that he will recover enough for a heroic act before he dies.

8:00

-First implausible security camera access. Oh, wait while this renders. Buffering. Buffering 10%. 20%.
-What? Frank Stone killed President Palmer? Someone should do something.
-Seriously kid. I will kill you.
-No one asked you Curtis. Back to work, you!

8:06

-Perhaps Mrs. Logan has a heart condition. Maybe her balance is a little shaky while going down the stairs.
-I actually forgot who it was. Oh, yeah. My former lover.
-If insubordination is a trait of a murderer, I'm going to need a perpetual alibi.
-No, you have to find him before 24 hours. Otherwise no one will care.

Daniel Crandall. Repect his flock.
Visit Adventure World. I made a commercial for a dollar!
I hate Raymond. Just saying.

Yeah, that celebrity ice skating is a great idea. All the excitement of ice skating combined with the charm of D-grade actors.

Edgar. Can't pick up on sheet.
Tossing salads.
Don't worry about Chloe. It's a little troubling that, you know, CTU can't bring her in. I mean, she'd rather out a covert, legally deceased agent than call into the crack ten-minutes-to-anywhere-in-LA squads that have helped out so much in the past. What a sickie.
CTU's archives from a secure location. Riiight.
Holy crap. Trained killers should know that in L.A., you can drive through any locked gate without recourse.
Everyone should carry smoke grenades.
Wrong side of the chest to stab someone in. High enough to hit ribs/scapula but no benefit of heart puncture.
I. Love. Jack. Bauer.
Now it's Carlos the Jackal and baldie McRogue vs. Jack/Frank/Chloe/Derrick
I love torture.
Put his head up or he'll choke on the blood filling up his stomach.
Awk.
Let's get him to a hospital.
Jack has been studying Medieval bloodletting for treating gunshots. He's a very spiritual man.

Firewall. See the full trailer if you like 'computers'. Old Harrison Ford.
Cellphones.
Tax software. Uptight white people.
Goofy gum commercial. (Lick a leper in your next commercial.)
Lexus car commercial. Rich people.
South Beach. Hefty-Americans.
Nick Cage Movie. People who would alternately set twenty dollars on fire.
Prison Break! Everyone.

7:50

-Clearly, this guy is a mole. No question.
-That's right Edgar. In your face! If you know what I mean . . .
-Push him out of the helicopter Frank! Do it!
-Damn non-sensible shoes.
-Jack is awfully gun happy this time around.
-Why is the kid from Hansen riding with you?

7:53
-There's a hole. Right there in the fence.
-Yes, Jack Bauer is a badass.
-Is that the space invaders music?
-Oh, I hope that was a bad guy . . .
-Look, take Chloe and the kid. Just don't hurt the oil.
-Ah, the first bad guy who will give information in his last dying breath.
-Yeah, just walk him over there so he can see everything.
-This guy is awfully gabby for an assassin.
-He had a gun. You saw that, right? No, I think you did see that kid. Maybe you have a gun.

[7:37] Ah, Jack's here. Has it been half-an-hour? Must have been the nice and easy 7:30 commute in Los Angeles.
Weaver.
How could Jack not tell he was being followed? Reminicent of getting his ass handed to him in the last season-opener.
Right hemisphere.
Closed head trauma.
Real-time updates on his progress... In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. Bleeding. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney. In a gurney.
No, STFU kid.
Someone who's not supposed to be alive.
Set you on fire, I hope.
I need you to trust me. By the way, Michael Jackson lives in Los Angeles. Just something for Diane to think about.
How are you doing? I'm off my medication.
"... make me feel." You know, sane.
I think that David was killed because my ears can pick up Russian radio broadcasts.
No access.
I am not making this up.
Also, Your necktie just bought stock in Microsoft and it can't tell your cufflinks the truth. Oysters, unite!
Delusions. Christ, President Logan is so painful.

I've never seen this American Idol show outside of the previews, but I have to say it looks like they need more assassins.

7:37
-It's my job now!
-Aw, crap . . . are we really going to have to see this kid for an extended period of time.
-We need epinephrine! Stat!
-Seriously kid, I have nothing to lose. I'll throw you out of this helicoptor now if you don't shape up!
-Just drive to Los Angeles. You can't miss it.
-Yeah, nothing bad has happened to anyone who has trusted me blindly. By the way, do you have an ex-husband?
-Great strategy, confide a national security secret in the incompetent president's batty wife.

These are the gayest commercials for such a badass show.

Ah, the first ridiculous truck commercial. Yes, it's just like a semi. And yes you do need one for your highway commute. And of course you need the tow package.

Edgar. Why?
Who is that jackass?
Level 5 Protocol. Gotta love it.
Wait, the assassin is tasked to taking out the former president and ... Ka-loey? Two high-profile targets, totally.
Also, Edgar can't take a hint.
Jack.
Isn't it a giant security risk for her to have his freakin' phone number? You know, being a low-level employee.
Abandoned oil refinery.
Large storage tanks again?
Heck, yeah, his bad-ass bag and glasses.
The DoD liason. Hmm. Jack's old job. Audrey.
Bill is a pinko.
Walt Cummings.
"President Logan is making a mistake." Get used to that.
Station 5.
Truth. Honor. Martha (Mrs. Logan) is a crazy loon.
A little Lady MacBeth in her.
He should shoot her.
I've got some bad news. Wald? Is that a name?
Again, a crazy loon.
Batty in the belfry-region.
"I have to talk to him now!"
Greatest leaders, World's greatest men.
Find and punish.
I will have your family eating dogfood out of a can. That's a cool thing for a First Lady to say. Mrs. Bush: keep that in mind.

7:21

-In case you're wondering if Edgar is an unfair stereotype of computer programmers everywhere, no he is not. I work with these people. They are all like Edgar. Some are skinnier.
-Yes, I know you can call in someone to pick me up and take me to a safe place. But let me just call you back in a minute.
-It's like Chloe's in a Beatles movie.
-By take care, he means that fence will not make it through the hour.
-Hmm, all signs are pointing to Jack as the suspect.
-Really, just keep heading north. You can't miss it. Don't worry about the specific address.
-First mention of protocols. No stacking yet.
-Sure Audrey, come on by. Nothing bad happened last time.

7:27

-Truth and honor, except the occasional sanctioned killing.
-No more wire hangers!
-Hmm, I suspect the president's wife is involved! First Ladies don't come off well on this show.
-Ok, no, she's just a crazy person.
-Tackle her! That's what they did to Hillary when she was going to walk in on the "special" cabinet meetings.

[7:00] -- No job... what does he have to wake up so early for? Oh.
Phil Stone. Rock. Solid. Cool Jack alias if it had panned out. Greg? Craig? Lame.
What is he a woman? What guy plays the 'you didn't hear a word I said' game? Brother?
Memoirs. Melancholy.
Yep, brother.
Hmm. What state is he from?
Whoa! God-damned snipers.
[7:18] Neck shots are never good.
The defining moment?
I. Hate. Crazy. Family. Members.
Mike Novak.
Assassinated.
That's like taking out Jimmy Carter. Who would bother?
CTU. You know, the FBI handles things like this too.
Secret Service.
President Logan.
Arrested the person who did this? What the hell?
.308
Inter-agency Protocol Level 5
Ah, C-loe loves the love-making.
Who is she in charge of?
"They think you're retarted, primarily."
Oh, Spencer.
Arrogance turns me on a little.
What a horrible, horrible ringtone.
[8:23] Retreat.
Wayne Palmer.
Bad-ass.
Ah, Frank is a better name. And with a truck.
Christ, a teenage kid. They usually make a 24 episode *way* better.
The Albatross.
Frank Flynn.
Ah, he broke the kid's will. I sense a sub-plot.
"I also trust giant hoop-earrings."
Tony & Michelle. Solid. (snap & pointing gesture)
CTU has a lot of turnover...
[8:39] Running a buisness.
What horrible design.
Rick.
Holy crap.

1. Tony will not be killed.
2. Jack will again have to put aside his life/love for the good of the nation.
3. C-loe will be set on fire.

24 Season Five, Episode 1.

The following takes place between 7:00 AM - 8:00 PM . . .

Oh good lord, do we really need a post game show? And what happened to Jimmy Johnson's hair? Does he know it looks like that? Maybe he's just taunting Terry Bradshaw . . .

7:00 -

And we're off . . .

-Jack Bauer-Joad can't catch a break.
-Is David Palmer running for president again? I guess the insurance thing didn't work out.
-That was surprising. Turns out Palmer dies. Wonder if anyone has ephinephrin sitting around. Maybe not.
-Hey, it's Mike Novick! First prediction comes true in a matter of minutes.
-LAPD must be thrilled that CTU is handling the minute detail of the investigation. Oh, and make sure they use that police tape.
-Alas, innocent Chloe . . .
-I wonder if CNB is as tedious as CNN. Next, a two headed puppy saves a baby from drowning.
-Room service for Jack Bauer is always an adventure.

7:11

-I could kill you in 2 second kid, so put it in a glass.
-Seriously, I've killed hundreds. You think your mom's going to stop me?
-Yes, apparently only three compentent people have ever worked for CTU. Eventually they should try to do some better recruiting.
-I wonder if the regular CTU folk get tired of Tony and Michelle stopping by everytime there's a situation.
-That was unexpected. Goodbye Michelle. I suspect the Serbians.

24 Season Five Preview: Uneducated guesses, speculation, and unfounded conjecture.

Where were we? If I remember right, the last time Carlos Bernard was working regularly, here was the situation:

Jack Bauer dies--again, and is resurrected in a ridiculous fashion--again. Dead to the world, presumably he has been traveling the countryside dispensing his unique brand of wisdom (hint: it involves a combination of stacking protocols and liberal use of violence). Chinese diplomacy is proven to be surprisingly effective. Michelle and Tony remember that they love each other most when there is a constant threat of violence, and reconcile long enough to abet Jack's escape. Ex-president Palmer washes his hands of Jack's fate and finds a steady gig providing the public with tips for running remarkably complex insurance scams. Chloe's name is still difficult for me to spell, and Edgar still doesn't get the whole saving the world concept.

So, now we're a little more than an hour away from doing it all over again. What will happen this season? There likely will be violence, lots of violence. Without having read a single spoiler, insider tip, preview, or even a cast list, I have put together a list of predictions for season 5. I feel confident that these will be no less accurate than your average preseason football picks. Here 'tis:

• Jack has settled into a normal life and will be called upon to help save the world again. Jack will be reluctant to leave this normal life, but will do so for the good of the country/close friend/relative (maybe Kim is being pursued by a pack of terrorist cougars).


• Who's the villain? We've had Muslims, Hispanics, Ukrainians, Serbians, and Caucasians. Maybe Koreans this time? Perhaps the French? Will Kiefer Sutherland need to make another public service announcement?


• With the world in danger, a key player will pay way too much attention to a personal problem.


• Protocols will be stacked.


• Someone will be "back in play."


• Some high-level official will be inept.


• Mike Novick will make an appearance.


• Nina will not.


• Seemingly closed-circuit video streams will be viewed at CTU.


• Plot points will be mysteriously dropped.


• Jack will be shot/stabbed/electrocuted no fewer than ten times (combined).


• Jack will die no more than twice.


• Tony will die once. That's right. Remember where you read it.


• Do I need to mention the violence? Jack will be dispensing much of that, likely in reaction to Tony dying.


• The phrase "I'm running out time!" will be used at least twice (substitute any pronoun).


• There will be commercials with huge trucks doing ridiculous things, aimed at men who do not haul things, do not live on a farm/ranch, do not drive off road, and do not work at a construction site. The word "hemi" will be mentioned.


• Hardee's will run commercials about construction workers/ranch hands/auto mechanics eating burgers that will not improve their digestive processes.


• Fox will promote show that make Jack's many resurrections seem perfectly reasonable. Seriously, trading wives?


• Chloe will contain her urge to profess her love for Jack.


• There will be torture scenes. Perfunctory debate about the ethics of torture will occur.


• Jack will be "back in play."

And that should do it. Once the football game is over, we'll be back with live updates, commentary, and incredulous skepticism. Tonight we start at 7:00AM, and, if history is any guide, Tony is likely sleeping off a long 18 months of drinking (expect to see him around 1:00-2:00--please keep the music low).

Back in a bit . . .