24 Season Five Preview: Uneducated guesses, speculation, and unfounded conjecture.

Where were we? If I remember right, the last time Carlos Bernard was working regularly, here was the situation:

Jack Bauer dies--again, and is resurrected in a ridiculous fashion--again. Dead to the world, presumably he has been traveling the countryside dispensing his unique brand of wisdom (hint: it involves a combination of stacking protocols and liberal use of violence). Chinese diplomacy is proven to be surprisingly effective. Michelle and Tony remember that they love each other most when there is a constant threat of violence, and reconcile long enough to abet Jack's escape. Ex-president Palmer washes his hands of Jack's fate and finds a steady gig providing the public with tips for running remarkably complex insurance scams. Chloe's name is still difficult for me to spell, and Edgar still doesn't get the whole saving the world concept.

So, now we're a little more than an hour away from doing it all over again. What will happen this season? There likely will be violence, lots of violence. Without having read a single spoiler, insider tip, preview, or even a cast list, I have put together a list of predictions for season 5. I feel confident that these will be no less accurate than your average preseason football picks. Here 'tis:

• Jack has settled into a normal life and will be called upon to help save the world again. Jack will be reluctant to leave this normal life, but will do so for the good of the country/close friend/relative (maybe Kim is being pursued by a pack of terrorist cougars).


• Who's the villain? We've had Muslims, Hispanics, Ukrainians, Serbians, and Caucasians. Maybe Koreans this time? Perhaps the French? Will Kiefer Sutherland need to make another public service announcement?


• With the world in danger, a key player will pay way too much attention to a personal problem.


• Protocols will be stacked.


• Someone will be "back in play."


• Some high-level official will be inept.


• Mike Novick will make an appearance.


• Nina will not.


• Seemingly closed-circuit video streams will be viewed at CTU.


• Plot points will be mysteriously dropped.


• Jack will be shot/stabbed/electrocuted no fewer than ten times (combined).


• Jack will die no more than twice.


• Tony will die once. That's right. Remember where you read it.


• Do I need to mention the violence? Jack will be dispensing much of that, likely in reaction to Tony dying.


• The phrase "I'm running out time!" will be used at least twice (substitute any pronoun).


• There will be commercials with huge trucks doing ridiculous things, aimed at men who do not haul things, do not live on a farm/ranch, do not drive off road, and do not work at a construction site. The word "hemi" will be mentioned.


• Hardee's will run commercials about construction workers/ranch hands/auto mechanics eating burgers that will not improve their digestive processes.


• Fox will promote show that make Jack's many resurrections seem perfectly reasonable. Seriously, trading wives?


• Chloe will contain her urge to profess her love for Jack.


• There will be torture scenes. Perfunctory debate about the ethics of torture will occur.


• Jack will be "back in play."

And that should do it. Once the football game is over, we'll be back with live updates, commentary, and incredulous skepticism. Tonight we start at 7:00AM, and, if history is any guide, Tony is likely sleeping off a long 18 months of drinking (expect to see him around 1:00-2:00--please keep the music low).

Back in a bit . . .