(Scott) Three more weeks.
(Scott) "It shall likewise be unlawful for any person, from any window or open space of any house, or building, to exhibit to the public upon the street, or the sidewalk thereof, any performance of puppet or other figures, ballet or other dancing, comedy, farce, show with moving figures, play or other entertainment."
(Scott) New York City Administrative code section 10-114
(Joe) An assault on CTU. Cheng wants to be the new Director.
(Joe) Especially in Greenwich Village.
(Scott) shall be punished by a fine of not more than twenty-five dollars, or imprisonment for thirty days, or both.
(Scott) Not sure how 25 dollar fine equates to 30 days in prison.
(Joe) Did they have to film in Newark?
(Joe) Laws as of 1875.
(Scott) Yeah, that makes more sense.

(Joe) Using his cold-blooded circulatory system, yeah?
(Scott) I've said it before. I dislike all of the people in these cellphone commercials.
(Joe) This commercial just set civil rights back twenty years.
(Scott) Really, you can apply that statement to all cell phone commercials.
(Scott) To 1987?
(Joe) Exactly.
(Joe) See Michael Winslow.
(Scott) Yeah, ok.
(Scott) 1:52
(Joe) I like the map on the wall. Good for stategic planning.
(Joe) I like the map on the wall. Good for strategic planning.
(Scott) Yeah, so the Russians are going to attack the US over stolen technology?
(Scott) Not sure I buy that.
(Joe) 'We gotta get those damned Portugese. Vasco de Gama is a threat!'
(Scott) Or that the Russians can move troops in under 15 minutes.
(Scott) There be sea monsters.
(Joe) "He's an acquaintance. A very close, sexual acquaintance."
(Joe) "It's still treason.
(Scott) I've really just started to tune out the dialogs on 24.
(Joe) "You need to go back to your boyfriend..."
(Scott) I had Ethiopian tonight. Highly recommended.
(Scott) His name is Noah?
(Joe) Wow, threatening 'enemy combatancy'. Hallmark doesn't make a card for that.
(Joe) Injara is really the best.
(Scott) It's a shoebox greeting.
(Scott) Heller . . .
(Scott) It's made from Teff.
(Joe) Heller makes an appearance. No worse for wear after crawling bruised and broken after driving off a cliff.
(Joe) Not even a limp.
(Scott) Bloomfield might be a good lead?
(Scott) Bloomfield copper company?
(Joe) "Mike, you were right. I should have stood up to Dr. Bradley"
(Scott) Heller is just getting the fact that bad things happen when Jack is around.
(Joe) Also, they're going to be the new Tony and Michelle.
(Scott) Could be.
(Scott) Four more episodes.
(Joe) Jack is cursed. That's the big exit line?

(Scott) That Best Buy commercial is unnecessarily creepy.
(Joe) Digital photo frames? I still don't get it.
(Joe) That was the most Barney Rubble looking guy I've ever seen. Way better than Rick Moranis.
(Joe) See, Americans are falling behind against other countries in education.
(Scott) 1:41
(Joe) 01:41:30
(Joe) "Sectors A-K are clear." "He must be on the lower levels."
(Scott) Why do they even keep Chloe?
(Scott) Nahdyea is not doing so great.
(Joe) No one cares about all the drama. He could have just let Jack out of that room. Clearly, they run things differently in Denver.
(Joe) Clearly.
(Scott) He's taking Audrey to show here where he killed Nina.
(Scott) Exact same room.
(Scott) She's a robot!
(Joe) "Good memories. Oops, watch that blood stain there."
(Joe) Not the same room.
(Scott) You once killed a waitress for giving you unsweetened tea.
(Joe) This room is filled with Jack and Audrey's giant head.
(Joe) She's responding to his freakish murderous vindictive side.
(Joe) I set your husband on fire or whatever.
(Joe) "I'm blinking a lot, Jack."
(Joe) Love, life's sweetest reward.
(Joe) You're safe. Run!
(Scott) She said Bloomfield?
(Joe) Bloomfield could be another programmed response. Like her complete silence since she got here.
(Joe) She may have said 'Bloom County'.
(Scott) I don't think I heard Bloomfield.
(Joe) Jack, I need you to go with these men to 'Holding'.
(Joe) I also need for you to kill less than five people when you inevitably escape.

(Scott) A reality show about indie film makers? Something seems wrong about that.
(Joe) WROV's Dashboard Idol.
(Joe) I miss Lady Luck.
(Joe) Surfing on a raffle ticket.
(Joe) 'Let's give some clumsy white people PCP and film them. Whatever we get becomes the next Lottery commercial.'
(Joe) Tony Stewart dresses like he's from the future.
(Scott) Was Jared coming on to Tony Stewart?
(Scott) 1:30
(Joe) He's definitely got the self-lacing sneakers from Nike.
(Joe) "Where are you?" 'Do you know what I expect from my mistresses?'
(Scott) 15 minutes with this guy and she's already showered and out the door?
(Joe) She clearly didn't wash her hair.
(Joe) Saves time.
(Scott) NSA ran a data sort
(Joe) A data sort on White House emails.
(Scott) That involves sorting data.
(Joe) Lisa Miller! Gasp!
(Scott) Lisa Miller, sir.
(Scott) You know, the blond chick. The one you've been creepy with.
(Scott) Your assistant.
(Joe) I find it hard to believe my sex kitten is involved with Russian intelligence.
(Scott) Very Clintonian of him.
(Joe) The Republicans are much more straightforward with their staff than, say, others.
(Scott) Wouldn't this guy be a Democrat?
(Joe) "We may be able to turn this situation to our advantage."
(Joe) He's about to try some protocols of his own.
(Scott) Not to the face!
(Scott) Don't they have cameras in the detention rooms?
(Scott) CTU security forces are obviously temps.
(Joe) I said 'make it look good', not 'crush my hyoid bone'.
(Joe) If we'd just let Jack do what he wants, we wouldn't have a whole world of hurt come down on us. Oh, Lord, spare us from your angel of death! Wo be all of us!

(Joe) WU OMG INBD IDK MY BFF JILL TISNF
(Scott) 1:17
(Joe) The BruSKta burger? You can't even pronouce my hamburger's name.
(Scott) Really, that's not all that sneaky.
(Joe) PS/2. A real thing. Kudos to the writers. A matrix display on a surrepitious download device that says 'Download Complete' is less realistic, but I'll allow it.
(Scott) More nonsense from Chloe and Morris . . .
(Joe) "There's a line. And you crossed it."
(Scott) You'll be back when you run out of Altoids!
(Joe) "We're done."
(Joe) 'I'm going back to selling shoes.'
(Scott) Morris is absolutely getting nabbed by the Chinese in the next couple of hours.
(Scott) Threatening military action . . . not so sure about that.
(Scott) Ben Affleck?
(Joe) Secure Bauer. Yeah, okay.
(Scott) Milo is unexplainably frustrated.
(Joe) Shoot him twice in the face, then seal him in whatever Han Solo was stuck in.
(Scott) Mosquito bites. She must have been held near water.
(Scott) Take care of her
(Scott) She knows too much.
(Joe) Dr. Bradley.
(Scott) Not without intervention.
(Scott) Groin?
(Joe) 22%.
(Scott) No chance of her dying from contact with Jack Bauer?
(Scott) He bit a man to death.
(Joe) You can't get her wet or feed her after midnight, Beijing time. Here, that's 12AM.
(Joe) "... respecting the chain of command."

(Joe) I can't believe they cancelled Drive. Amateurs. They must have hired the NBC executives responsible for all that is evil in the television community.
(Scott) No Dom Deluise, no cannonball run III.
(Scott) It would be like Police Academy 9 without Michael Winslow.
(Scott) 24 season 6 (worst ever), episode 20.
(Scott) The following takes place between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM.
(Joe) This could be the best season of Silver Spoons, though.
(Scott) I wonder if Jason Bateman will show up.
(Scott) Previously on 24: a bunch of nonsense that just doesn't make sense.
(Scott) Audrey is counting matchsticks.
(Joe) Jack fixing Audrey: "Audrey, you're okay with Jack's emotional distance. Audrey, you're okay with Jack's emotional distance. You also like watching football. You like football."
(Scott) 135
(Scott) You're safe now Miss Raines. You believe that, right?
(Scott) Help me Obi Wan . ..
(Scott) Oddly enough, Audrey has the best dialog of the season.
(Joe) "I really need you on the floor."
(Scott) That's what she said.
(Scott) She being Nadia.
(Joe) "We're done here Morris."
(Scott) His plan would have worked if not for us kids and that crazy dog.
(Scott) I might be the only person who can get through to her . . . one severed finger at a time.
(Scott) CTU is attempting to find Chang. He is believed to have been last seen in the vicinity of Ang.
(Joe) Those damned dragon masks and finger traps. It's awful. I'm the only one who knows. All the incessant talk about paper and fireworks. I'm surprised she's kept it together this long.
(Scott) Eng, not Ang.
(Joe) The Telepresence Suite. Clearly installed by the Clinton administration.
(Scott) Pronounced Ang, I believe.
(Scott) A little late in the season for the token minx/mole.
(Scott) In soviet russia, you fall into hands of nuclear weapons.
(Joe) The Russians are clearly fine with everything else that happened today.
(Joe) If they didn't have the second and third monitors there, you'd miss the grave concern of the Russian Interior Minister.
(Scott) The money spent on teleconferencing technology is enough for a couple more years of social security.
(Scott) Brought to you by Cisco!
(Joe) "I say we bomb Russia. I'll be with my mistress."
(Scott) Now I have an odd desire to go out and buy a couple of routers.
(Scott) Uploading, Uploading.
(Scott) A problem in the chip. Circuit board is damaged.
(Scott) Ha, a security override.
(Joe) Why didn't they think Bauer was reponsible for it?
(Scott) Find someone with the necessary expertise.
(Scott) Morris?
(Joe) Also, they wanted the chip because they didn't know what it did. Just saying.
(Scott) It's a solid premise.

(Scott) Heh
(Joe) Yeah, that was Buchanan until Chloe came to his house to use his Juno account.
(Scott) Right, so next episode they'll be using plots from last season.
(Joe) http://www.fs.fed.us/r5/angeles/
(Scott) In a couple of weeks, Jack will be returning from a chinese prison.
(Scott) An hour's drive from LA.
(Joe) Well, that means they'll run out. The real question is: will they loop (his wife gets kidnapped) or come up with something new?
(Scott) Isn't that what this episode is? Audrey kidnapped?
(Scott) 12:51.
(Scott) 15:21 Southern Hemisphere.
(Scott) It seems like, the government should consider revoking this particular consulates diplomatic status.
(Scott) Little Ricky is going to screw of the whole exchange.
(Scott) Couldn't Jack just have arranged for a CTU team to take out the Chinese and rescue Audrey?
(Joe) Put the component in her eye.
(Joe) Seriously, I'll repeat this from last time: Just fry the electronics. The EPROM would ostensibly have the algorithms on them. These things are burned in to start with. Let's see how they verify the sub-circuit board.
(Scott) Stupid Little Ricky.
(Scott) Maybe it's a decoy circuit board.
(Scott) What?
(Scott) A bazooka?
(Scott) You're shitting me.
(Joe) Thanks to Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Chinese can get Humvees, too.
(Joe) That was a ridiculously funny picture of Bill and Karen.
(Scott) I don't know what's worse, the bazooka or Karen and Bill wearing Leis.
(Scott) He escaped out the rear . . .
(Scott) They set up the worst perimeters.
(Scott) She's a robot!
(Scott) She's a robot!
(Joe) They had like fifty agents shooting at two or three Chinese guys. A few of the couldn't have, you know, walked around to the back?
(Joe) I'd like to see Jack try to jog her memory. 'Remember when I tortured and killed your husband?'
(Scott) An interview with Sueng-Hui Cho's call girl? That spells no local news for me tonight.
(Joe) 'Good times...'
(Scott) I'm this close to canceling cable.
(Scott) <---> (this close)
(Joe) A frontal assault is not a wing assault. The place wasn't that big. I mean, don't they train CTU agents to think: 'Man, the Chinese overlords either live here in the woods or THEY DROVE HERE.'

(Joe) Commerical: Fairy tale plot.
(Scott) Damn bug bites.
(Scott) It's only April.
(Scott) Henderson lawn must be overrun.
(Joe) Window puppet shows *are* illegal in NY. Ed Koch said they made him feel 'ill at ease'.
(Scott) There are too many commercials based around parachute jumps
(Scott) We already know the joke.
(Joe) The hippies were protesting the war on Henderson Lawn a couple of weeks ago. That's fourteen days of incubation time.
(Scott) They could just save money by showing black on white text saying "Picture a guy leaving an airplane unexpectedly, having something to do with our product"
(Scott) 12:38
(Joe) 12:38/1:38/2:38/3:38
(Scott) 7:38 Hawaii
(Scott) Why does the CTU directors office have barcodes for windows?
(Joe) 8:38 AM London time. What's happening with the nuclear weapon in America. Oh well, I guess we'll find out at 2PM in the afternoon. Right on time for a crumpet and tea.
(Scott) Karen is selling out her husband.
(Scott) I have to distance myself from you.
(Scott) Separate beds.
(Scott) Buchanan is objecting to this, primarily due to the fact he's a mole.
(Joe) This is probably why they have rules against Senate-confirmable positions being married to a direct report.
(Joe) Double-length keys?
(Scott) He used a double length key to slow us down.
(Scott) He used a double length key to slow us down.
(Scott) That's like a regular sized key, but larger.
(Scott) About twice as large.
(Joe) How many freakin' people are on the phone right now in the sticks of L.A.?
(Scott) Does LA really have a National Forest?
(Joe) 'Come with me.' Last time I was in a room with a guy with a briefcase, he drilled into my wristbones.
(Scott) They made the woman they suspected of terrorism acting director?
(Scott) Also, if you're fired, do you really get to choose your replacement?
(Scott) Extra-redundancies.
(Scott) So, if there is an extra redundancy on something, that means you have to do it four times.
(Scott) Or is that three?
(Joe) A Muslim woman as acting director of CTU? That's an awesome. You gotta think the President is going to have some issues.. that is, if he doesn't want to 'show her the Lincoln Bedroom'.
(Scott) Wasn't there some other director of CTU who was escorted off of site?
(Scott) And he helped from home or something?
(Scott) Was that Buchanan?
(Joe) Should someone tell her that she was picked because he was the only one left in a suit?

(Scott) 1:00 AM Mountain
(Joe) Commercial: Tiny men talking about how they smell.
(Joe) Commercial: The Sixth Sense 2: Electric Boogaloo
(Scott) I missed that preview. The guy is invisible?
(Joe) Commercial: Ben Stiller covered in shaving cream, playing with a monkey.
(Joe) Yeah, invisible. Like Ghost Dad, actually.
(Scott) I was wrong before. Ben Stiller may be worse than Nicholas Cage.
(Joe) A movie I was 2nd AD on.
(Joe) (Shh.)
(Scott) Ghost dad would have made more sense than this season of 24.
(Scott) 12:28
(Joe) 12:28/3:28
(Scott) Jack is driving through the exact spot where they filmed the prequel to this season.
(Joe) Nice purse, Jack. Does your husband fight terrorism, too?
(Scott) I guarantee that as a fact.
(Scott) The house is full of mice.
(Joe) What? He can't even do the gun-follows-the-flashlight thing?
(Scott) Thank god I left my elephant at home.
(Joe) Gimmicky, I know, but, you know, a good idea.
(Joe) I agree. Good catch.
(Scott) Anything in the area? Nothing really, but there is this one house next to a field.
(Scott) Wow, that was bad blocking.
(Joe) These White House offices are spacious as hell.
(Scott) They had Lennox kissing Karen.
(Scott) A pardon?
(Scott) He can go on being your husband . . . he may develop other relationships over the next 12 to 18 months.
(Scott) Oh yeah, Jack. This is a show about Jack.
(Joe) You can't take the day off or take a nap with glass walls.
(Joe) Bill, take care of Audrey. If you know what I mean.
(Scott) He's at a hotel?
(Joe) 12:34/3:34

(Scott) These Verizon commercials just don't play well for the slightly paranoid.
(Joe) Commercial: Good-for-you healthy sassy salads. A different brand of 24 fan this season.
(Joe) 12:14
(Scott) 12:14
(Scott) Pizza's ready. Back in a minute.
(Scott) Hopefully I won't miss a cliche.
(Joe) Inappropriate Oval Office moments between an executive and his mistress.
(Scott) He's like Clinton and Fred Thompson combined with a crazy person.
(Joe) Wow, Jack Bauer just killed fifty people! That was the most amazing sequence ever. I take back everything bad I ever said about this season. That was unmissable.
(Scott) No dice, the kitchen's closer than that.
(Joe) one-half, four-eighths, eight-sixteenth, pi over two pi
(Scott) More yammering between a couple I don't care about.
(Scott) I think this is supposed to be banter.
(Joe) Like a more serious version of NBC's The Office.
(Scott) It was either the nuclear thing or joke about altoids.
(Joe) Let me smell your breath, Terrorist Helper. Ooops! Didn't mean that.
(Scott) Early enough? It's midnight. No one would say early enough.
(Scott) I think this episode was scheduled for another time.
(Joe) 3AM.
(Scott) Proof Bill Buchanan is a mole?
(Scott) Bill Buchanan is a mole!
(Joe) Although the video is time-coded to midnight. Is it not 3AM in D.C. if it's midnight where Jack Bauer is?
(Scott) Ok, so maybe that's orchestrated proof, but still it's a step closer.
(Scott) Oh, right. My mistake. Forgot they were on the East Coast.
(Scott) Your husband is a mole!
(Scott) I've been saying it for two seasons.
(Joe) No, you're right, though. The video on the East Coast clearly says 00:03:12 AM or whatever.
(Joe) 12:23 AM/03:23AM

(Joe) The first ridiculous technology thing on Drive. (Other than the fabricated phone text messages)
(Joe) Something about doing a restricted character search for six-digit numbers.
(Joe) Also, a mention of downloading the search program via FTP.
(Joe) Itself, not ridiculous. But an unecessary detail.
(Scott) What, you've never remoted in to your computer at home to ftp a search utility?
(Scott) And certainly banks would allow you to just ftp in from home.
(Scott) The guy giving her a ride looks like he's related to Bush somehow.
(Scott) He has that same slack-jawed, dazed look.
(Scott) 24, season 6 - Episode 19
(Scott) The following takes place between 12:00 AM and 1:00 AM.
(Joe) This is the worst season of 24.
(Scott) Worse than cougars?
(Joe) All our viewers need to know.
(Scott) Yeah, worse than cougars . . .
(Joe) We are certain to see some member of the cat family chasing someone this season.
(Scott) Maybe a panda
(Scott) A panda is technically a cat, incidentally.
(Scott) I suspect that Jack isn't even going to off Little Ricky.
(Scott) How is it possible that anyone stops for that?
(Joe) Midnight in L.A., 3AM on the East Coast, where Vice President Daniels is machinating.
(Scott) It's just not possible.
(Scott) And why is there so much traffic at midnight?
(Scott) "He got the drop on me"
(Scott) "In pursuit"
(Scott) "Jack's gone rogue"
(Scott) Yes, it's old cliche night in 24 land
(Joe) Midnight after a nuclear weapon was detonated within driving distance.
(Scott) Power lines . . . tracker from the sub-board
(Scott) Milo shows some uncharacteristic judgement.
(Joe) At the beginning of the season, Jack was in a Chinese prison. Even the stupid Toyota commercial was more interesting than jockeying for the Presidency and back-room discussions about whether the DoD or Homeland is responsible for blanket subpoena powers.
(Scott) Wait, why is there a child in the back of this car . . . oh crap.
(Scott) I miss tedium of the Logans.
(Scott) "Clear the air"
(Joe) No way he would address the nation at 9AM. Today/GMA has morning prime-time at 8AM. They're going to let them have spring cleaning tips and a fake fashion show until letting the country know what happened overnight?
(Scott) Lennox is decoying.
(Scott) No, wait. That was last week's theme.
(Joe) Do you know how cool a season of Chinese Prison Break would be?
(Scott) The tattoos would be so much more complex.
(Scott) Gotta check on the pizza.
(Scott) It's Digiorno.
(Joe) The Chinese Overlord played the same character in Akeelah and the Bee.
(Scott) Still needs a few minutes.
(Joe) Mandarin.
(Joe) 12:10
(Joe) Commercial: Makeovers with pretty pink dresses. A different brand of 24 fan this season.
(Scott) Nicholas Cage is terrible.
(Scott) Tiny cars

(Joe) Yeah, 'I tortured my little brother to death' would have made a compelling point.
(Scott) How did his father die?
(Scott) Jack Bauer's gone rogue . . . again.
(Joe) "Jack's gone rogue."

(Joe) I've actually watched The Riches. No son-in-law to be seen. Suddenly...
(Scott) It looks like fine-quality cinema.
(Scott) 11:52
(Joe) Cereberal hemmorage.
(Scott) Ok, so the nuclear missiles . . . let's get those things launched.
(Joe) Bethesda. Do they still do it there?
(Joe) Yes, they do.
(Scott) Ah, so Little Ricky will get a call from CTU and have a moral dilemma.
(Scott) Lessons will be learned.
(Joe) If they don't know the proprietary algorithms on the EEPROM, why not burn it out first?
(Scott) While the Vice President may be the bad guy, he's obviously correct.
(Joe) 'I'm not the type of executive to cause international incidents.'
(Scott) So, the rest of the season will be a fight to defy a logical conclusion?
(Scott) First wave of his hand.
(Scott) The generic soldiers aren't going to have a bad 12:00 to 1:00.
(Scott) Are going to have, I mean
(Scott) Jack just suspects everyone at this point.
(Scott) Jack just suspects everyone at this point.
(Joe) "... I shot my old partner... don't think I won't do that to you."
(Scott) I shot my old partner . . . and oh, yeah . . . I completely forgot about my brother and father.
(Scott) My wife . . . dead.
(Joe) "Take the keys out of the high-powered Toyota Tundra."
(Scott) Daughter . . . dating a beatnik.
(Joe) "You can't go against the White House. Jack!"

(Scott) Heh the sixth-sense two . . . electric bugaloo.
(Joe) They're going to inject it with an isotope. Look for the chip to have its arm chopped off.
(Joe) Mana mana.
(Joe) Mana mana.
(Joe) Mana mana.
(Joe) Mana mana.
(Joe) Mana mana.
(Scott) You're on your own with that.
(Joe) Mana mana.
(Scott) What is this nonsense with the taxi driver?
(Joe) What the hell is with the 1996 computer animation?
(Joe) I went to the website. I still have no idea.
(Scott) And they canceled Andy Richter Controls the Universe . . .
(Scott) 11:38
(Joe) http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/162801/Oleg_The_Taxi_Man_Debuts_On_Fox
(Scott) Yeah, about that having you hit on the head thing . . .
(Scott) Need someone to help with Audrey's extraction.
(Scott) Jack explaining to Ricky the facts of death.
(Joe) The annoying character is an incentive for us to watch FOX commercials.
(Scott) Holy crap, you're kidding.
(Joe) "At least I didn't arm terrorist nukes."
(Scott) Alpha 1-7-9-3
(Scott) That's probably a secure line.
(Joe) A few years later: "Hey, Morris. I can date whoever I want. At least I didn't arm nuclear weapons for terrorists."
(Scott) First exit after mile marker 49, turn right at the cracker barrel.
(Joe) "Also, you're breath smells like barrel-aged Altoids."
(Joe) "Take a left at the Pier One."
(Joe) "She served this country with honor. Get in the truck."
(Scott) She served the country with honor? She wasn't exactly storming the shore's of Montezuma.
(Joe) "You wanted to see me." "Close the door."
(Scott) There was the whole arm artery cutting thing . . . but that just involved her walking slowly.
(Joe) Close the door. We want privacy. Totally private conversation now.
(Scott) She's a secretary by day and an assassin by night.
(Joe) No possibility of a concealed listening device.
(Scott) Is she a secretary? Or is she deputy something or another.
(Joe) 'I'm hereby resigning the Office of the Vice-President to spend more time with my blonde mistress."
(Scott) We'll have a lot more time to spend together . . . unless you're really shallow and power hungery.
(Scott) Maybe he can catch on at the World Bank.
(Scott) You think Palmer would be a little more edgy about standing in front of a podium.
(Joe) '... except for Morris at CTU, who knows what he did.'
(Scott) Seriously, trim the stitches.
(Scott) I'm absolutely certain, almost to a level of hubris, that this crisis is over.
(Joe) "Andrea. How's your husband, Mr. Greenspan?"
(Scott) He's a robot!
(Joe) Quick, a shot of adrenaline!
(Scott) Someone pull back his coat to reveal his circuits.
(Joe) The writers would have loved to make his head spin around 'Small Wonder'-style.

(Joe) 11:29
(Joe) Handcuffs. They put handcuffs on me. How quaint.
(Scott) I just wanted to see the component . . .
(Scott) Work out a game plan
(Joe) "Will you let me make one more call?" 'Local? Sure.'
(Scott) Heh, I'm asking you as a friend to risk the stability of the world.
(Joe) "Doyle, he says 'Let me go'."
(Scott) Heh, that's a much better plan.
(Scott) Also a good plan by Jack to run his plan by the president who just had a head injury.
(Chris) that is a wise and well-informed president
(Scott) Like all presidents . . .
(Chris) i'm informed that that chip holds the key to all technology ever made
(Scott) Did he really ask how Jack can guarantee that something will be destroyed?
(Scott) Seriously, I need to look up suspension of disbelief again. I may have the concept wrong.
(Joe) 'Jack, we're just not confident you know how to destroy things.'
(Joe) Wait, aren't we interested in the FB sub-circuit?
(Scott) CTU is going to embed a tracking device in the board? Does that make sense?
(Scott) If the Chinese will know it's the real board, won't they notice there's a GPS device on it?
(Joe) Are they (the Russians) still making suitcase nukes? If not, just tell them to change their security protocols.

(Joe) This commercial...
(Joe) ... written by Kids in the Hall.
(Scott) There's an SUV called the Patriot? Seriously?
(Joe) 11:15
(Scott) 11:15
(Joe) 11:15:32
(Joe) 'President Palmer the 44th was killed fifty years ago today.'
(Scott) Wayne Palmer appears to have completely recovered from brain swelling since the ten o'clock hour.
(Joe) 'our relationship has always been a marriage of convenience...'
(Scott) It's not me, it's you.
(Joe) "How dare you. You don't have the right to ask for my resignation."
(Scott) I'm going to replace you with Fred Thompson, I really should have chosen him anyhow.
(Scott) Can't someone give Palmer's stitches a trim?
(Joe) "Mr. President. I refuse."
(Scott) I mean . . . he's the president.
(Joe) Tom Lennox will certainly end up in a car trunk.
(Scott) What did you just call me?
(Joe) The President should always have witnesses talking to this guy.
(Joe) Also, the AG should start drafting pardons.
(Scott) Some time in the next week . . . ok, new assassination attempt coming . . .
(Joe) "I think someone's hacked into my system."
(Scott) Someone accessed my files . . .
(Chris) crap! ... just lost fox!
(Joe) "I'm the one who hacked into your system... I'll explain it to you in a little while."
(Joe) Meet me in the server room.
(Scott) A better tact to take would be "You were just looking at those files yourself. Why do you smell like Altoids?"
(Chris) i guess i'll just have to believe what you guys say
(Chris) not a wise move on my part
(Scott) FB sub-circuit board . . . more valuable than diamonds.
(Scott) Morris isn't really going to do it.
(Scott) Is Morris smelling his own breath? What did I drink last . . . mmmmm Scotch . . .
(Scott) Never grow up to be a generic soldier.
(Joe) Good, only two armed guards with M16s.
(Joe) Not the 'What's your name' trick.
(Joe) Christ.
(Scott) Armed guards are such push overs.
(Joe) Nice cellphone wallpaper, Jack. Does your husband have a phone, too?
(Scott) Why the noises? Is he testing the harmonics on the circuit board?
(Scott) Generic soldiers get a win.
(Joe) If that's the FB sub-circuit board...
(Scott) You may be right on the Little Ricky thing.
(Joe) The proprietary algorithms are only responsible for, like, sixteen pin-outs. Can't figure that out.

(Joe) Drive seems to be more like 'Lost' than 'The Amazing Race'. Polar bears to come.
(Scott) My theory is that when they were making the pilot for Lost that they just had extra polar bear suits lying around.
(Scott) Shouldn't Sammy Davis Jr. be on this? Dressed like a priest . . .
(Scott) And where is Dom DeLuise?
(Joe) Very Aronofsky-like shots of Alex's Long Lost Car.
(Scott) Reminds me of Matisse.
(Joe) Look for a Mattel line of Drive merchandise.
(Scott) With Kung-fu steering wheel grip
(Joe) The secret underground road race has a few too many minvans competing.
(Joe) Shirley is apparently in the next episode. Laverne is nowhere to be found.
(Scott) 24 season 6 - episode 18
(Scott) The following takes place between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM.
(Scott) Where were we? Oh yeah, I was suspending my disbelief so far it was screaming.
(Scott) "Agent Bauer, you really do need to get you to a hospital"
(Scott) "Do you know how many times I've died on this show, son?
(Joe) 'I know you've been through hell...'
(Joe) Doyle is a mole for the Chinese.
(Scott) My new theory is that Prison in China is a euphemism for "Heroin Addiction Rehab Center"
(Scott) Ooh, good theory.
(Scott) I'm still holding out for Buchanan.
(Scott) Jack is as confused by this plot line as I am.
(Joe) They want the Russian suitcase nukes? Oh, the 'prototype algorithms'.
(Joe) Isn't that Morris' impromptu programming job? I guess not.
(Scott) I think the algorithms are hash encoded. They'll never be able to read them.
(Scott) Especially in that crazy hieroglyphics.
(Scott) Another possibility would be that Audrey is a mole.
(Joe) Clothing doesn't come pre-tattered. Most of the clothes in the world are made in China, so you'd think she'd have suitable apparel.
(Scott) Not likely, sure . . . but equally plausible as anything else on this show.
(Joe) The mole on Chang's face is a mole for Audrey.
(Scott) Oh good, Jack is about to kick some generic CTU agent ass.
(Scott) Lennox has the truth.
(Scott) He says he can't handle it though.
(Scott) Then it's over . . . and seven hours earlier than normal . . . that's odd . . .
(Scott) Inform Secret Service that we're leaving the bunker, and someone else will need to press the keys.
(Scott) 4 8 15 16 23 42
(Joe) The rest of the season is clearly going to be Medal of Honor presentations and paperwork. The AG will catch up on faxing pardons.
(Scott) Not one of you gave up . . . except Morris . . . he sold us out pretty well.
(Chris) "international incident ... big time!"
(Scott) Chloe could play herself in a Saturday Night Live skit.
(Scott) Chloe will be put into holding before this season is out.
(Scott) Alpha 5-3-9
(Joe) The Chinese are trying to get a circuit board, despite the fact that they have all of them. Like the Library of Congress has a copy of all books with an ISBN.
(Scott) That's a secure line, I guess.
(Scott) Chloe explains to Jack the schematics of a progress bar.
(Joe) The CTU PCs can do real-time analysis of satellite imagery, but a simple copy takes up the whole screen and ten minutes of screen time.
(Joe) Truly the terrorists have won.

(Scott) Now doing a perpetual pull up five inches above asphalt.
(Joe) (Psst. Bruce Willis is the bad guy.)
(Scott) Cannonball Run 3.
(Scott) 10:51
(Scott) Apparently Palmer is under house arrest.
(Scott) Another shot of adrenaline . . .
(Scott) Palmer is losing it . . .
(Scott) Not sure why Palmer's concerned with adjusting his collar at this point. I mean, have you seen his face?
(Scott) Heh, the drive shaft is right at face level.
(Scott) They may be tracking me by attaching a Jack Bauer to my under carriage.
(Scott) Dead man . . . snap.
(Scott) 10:55
(Scott) Did he just kill two people with one shot?
(Scott) Mayhem!
(Scott) Jack is invincible.
(Scott) My theory is that the Chinese really killed him and this is his ghost.
(Joe) Just looking for some backup on whether or not Fayed could have become suspicious when the Arab sleeper cell was carrying around goverment-issued 15-round Colt semi-automatic weapons.
(Scott) Fayyad throws his gun at Jack after they both run out of ammo . . . exactly like Naked Gun.
(Joe) He is really bitey this season. The writers must really be... okay, this was in the first Die Hard. Sweet Lord.
(Scott) And Jack hangs Fayyad. Not sure that this is a new way of killing for the show.
(Scott) Yeah, I think you're right about the die-hard thing.
(Scott) Are you alright Jack? Yeah, I just need 11 seconds to rest.
(Joe) The conductor from 'the Money Pit', remember? John McClain killed his brother?
(Scott) Right, yeah.
(Joe) Can't he shoot Fayed in the ankles and let him down? He's got to know something.
(Joe) I was about to call it.
(Scott) Audrey?
(Scott) The Chinese? Seriously?
(Scott) You've got to be shitting me.
(Joe) Crap, the Chinese.
(Scott) This guy is the consulate . . .
(Scott) Really, just a consulate.
(Scott) How does he operate with impunity?
(Joe) Yeah, but the L.A. consul. He's big time. This is way beyond owning a Chinese restaurant for, inevitably, Jack Bauer and Chris Tucker to fight the bad guys in.
(Scott) All of this nuclear plot has been just a lead up to Audrey being kidnapped? How is this possible?
(Scott) Why did the Chinese let go of him?
(Joe) Wasn't there some sort of deal made? Have they no honor?
(Scott) The Chinese want a nuclear weapon?
(Scott) They have nuclear weapons . . .
(Scott) It would make as much sense as exchanging Audrey for rice.
(Joe) Oh, he's after the component that they could have bought earlier that morning.
(Scott) Which component?
(Joe) That a greasy American hobbyist made in his garage workshop. That only cost $50,000 originally. Sure.
(Scott) But the purpose of the component was to detonate a nuclear weapon, right?
(Joe) The Chinese don't have half-a-billion people they can throw at making random components. After about an hour, someone will have made the one they want.
(Joe) Yeah, this is just the worst.
(Joe) Hopefully, it's another component.

(Scott) Huh, that AT&T logo looks oddly familiar.
(Scott) I can't quite place it . . .
(Joe) Trendy, it is.
(Scott) Nicholas Cage can see things before it happens. In exchange for that gift, he became a terrible, terrible actor.
(Scott) Except as H.I. McDonough.
(Joe) Hmm, Nicholas Cage in a movie that seems less awful than most. Odd.
(Scott) You can call me Hi.
(Joe) Clearly, this was shot after 'Gone in 60 Seconds' and 'National Treasure'.
(Scott) Before National Treasure 2?
(Scott) 10:41
(Joe) NT2 (as we fans like to call it) will be awesome. The special effects with the dollar bills this time.... whew!
(Scott) Samir is Arabic for Flank 2.
(Joe) I think he was trying to say 'Flank Two' in Arabic.
(Scott) I wonder how often they change protocols.
(Scott) Samir has been dead for two years. Jack mutters flank 2 under his breath.
(Scott) Those cell phones are pretty loud . . . surely Fayyad heard that.
(Scott) And under a tunnel . . . of couse.
(Scott) How is it possible that one guy with a pistol killed this many heavily armed CTU agents?
(Joe) Yeah, the custom ringtone for Jack Bauer is the sound of someone being tortured.
(Scott) Slamming the door you're running through seems like a huge mistake . . .
(Joe) What Sylvester Stallone movie was this?
(Scott) Of course, it was the only door, so it's incomprehensible that Jack couldn't have figured this out sooner.
(Scott) Hah!
(Joe) Very nearly 'Die Hard 3: A Motherf*cking Shark Ate Me'.
(Scott) Jack is seriously hanging on to the undercarriage.
(Scott) Wasn't this a scene from Naked Gun?
(Scott) OJ Simpson?
(Scott) I swear . . .
(Joe) I have a dead body at the loading dock, so either Jack or Fayed has been here.
(Scott) 15 hours ago Jack was an emaciated torture victim.

(Scott) Little Ricky bled.
(Scott) So that was something.
(Scott) Also, everything on the show is a decoy.
(Scott) Just like on LOST.
(Scott) And Jack Killed a polar bear.
(Scott) Ooh, good call on the Chinese thing. It's exactly the same trick.
(Joe) It would have been great if Fayed was rescued by an IRA splinter group. Or a cadre of clowns. (A coven? A pride?)
(Scott) A hump
(Scott) 10:??
(Scott) Bill Buchanan on the phone . . .
(Joe) Those guys had the redundant login problem so they weren't doing anything anyway...
(Scott) What? You tricked Fayyad? We just tricked the Generic Islamic Republic of Perabia. What a coincidence.
(Joe) Mr. President, I think Bill Buchanan is tricking you. Clearly, Bill Buchanan doesn't know he's dead.
(Scott) If Jack Bauer says torture (which uncategorically denounce) won't work, then it won't work. We'll stick with the Scooby Doo tricks for now.
(Scott) How often can you fake a nuclear missile launch and have the target thank you later?
(Joe) "I resent your tone."
(Scott) The General is not giving in to our interrogation. Maybe we can trick them some how.
(Scott) Ha! Staging the killing of a terrorist's family. This is totally season 2 again.
(Joe) The Saudi^H^H^H^H^H Perturbian ambassador is shocked at allegations of barbarism.
(Joe) 'Duh, I don't have level five security clearance.'
(Scott) Uplink the proprietary channel on the something something B.
(Scott) Doyle may not be as bad as you think he is. I mean, have you seen him dance? And he has a huge toy train.
(Joe) A lot of shows have a 'bible' they use to maintain consistency. You know, from one episode to the next. One of the many tips you can get if Scott and I were hired as 'consultants'. Also, craft services will need to provide a steady stream of authentic Japanese food. Like Kayo.
(Joe) "Why are you using a cell phone, General?"
(Scott) And pork barbeque
(Scott) He says he can't talk long, he has blood streaming through his sinus cavities.
(Joe) Great, cut him off. Before he gets smarmy.
(Scott) Jamal is definitely getting shot. There's no other way for this to work out.
(Scott) HAI-mal
(Joe) "Mr. President, are you feeling all right?"
(Scott) Give the president ephinedrine . . . stat!
(Joe) Quick, find the President a robotic exoskeleton.
(Scott) Can some please put me back in a coma?
(Joe) M.A.N.T.I.S., we hardly knew ye.

Just time-delayed. I see Jack's pulling an ol' trick he learned during his Chinese vacation.

10:15
-Apparently we have no Joe tonight . . . Something about ice dancing on PBS.
-Lennox and Palmer have a close moment in the LOST bunker.
-Seems like they could save this exposition until after the crisis is averted.
-Oh, and Tom, you're fired . . .
-As chief of staff, I'm here to protect you . . . except where I'm undermining you.
-Jack and Doyle taunting the prisoner. Jack looks back and . . . head on collison.
-This looks like one of those fancy Allstate scams. Where's David Palmer.
-Jack and Little Ricky are shot.
-Hmm . . . a decoy?
-Yep, another decoy . . . apparently, this week's theme is decoys.
-Little Ricky's neck is bleeding (unless it's an even more advanced decoy).
-Fayyad takes one of the cover agents guns . . . that's the international sign of trust. I think that started with the Quakers.

-Prison Break is over for the season?
-Wait . . . there's going to be a third season of Prison Break? Wow, that seems unnecessary. What did they need, two or three episodes to wrap this whole thing up?
-Ok, is this thing on?
-Wait, why am I here? Aren't I on vacation? Oh, yeah . . . it's nothing but cold outside, so all of my plans are called off . . .
-Fucking Al Gore.
-Where were we . . . Palmer was resurrected to save the world from a nuclear war. And he winds up taking the side of nuclear war.
-I may start referring to Palmer as Wayne McCain.
-24 Season 6 - Episode 17
-The following takes place between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM
-We have a successful launch . . .
-And 30 seconds later the missles enter the target's airspace.
-Karen is asking for a pretext to bring the missiles down? How would that even be done?
-Four minutes until impact.
-President Palmer has the shakes (or the Jack itch).
-General Habib has been coordinating this thing . . .
-Two minutes until impact? I'm pretty sure that 30 seconds passed.
-The missile will be aborted? How do you abort a missile? Does it just turn back around and head to the ship . . .
-Oh, ditch it in the gulf. Screw you Greenpeace!
-Ah, a decoy . . . so Palmer is less McCain like than I though.
-Jack hurt his hand punching Fayyad. Fayyad will regret that.
-Ricky wants in on the torture (which by the way, we most definitely don't do) . . .
-Ah, with Jack on the phone, little Ricky is emulating the adults. Maybe he'll show Fayyad he can dance.
-Doyle/Ricky is definitely going to screw this up.

(Joe) A fire!
(Scott) Another first for the fifth grader show.
(Joe) And a convenience store!
(Scott) No truck commercials this week?
(Scott) 9:52
(Scott) I think this is the same dumpster by the fence area where Milo was in a gunfight earlier.
(Joe) One bullet. Awesome.
(Scott) Gradenko, the rat.
(Scott) Jack is going to save yet another villain.
(Scott) More bizarre buddy scenes to follow.
(Joe) This is almost like a Jackie Chan setup. A bar, plenty of glass, lots of guys coming at him one-at-a-time.
(Scott) If the adrenaline causes Palmer problems, can't the doctor just give him ephenidrine?
(Joe) Dammit, doctor, I want some adrenaline injected in my eyeball! I want to see faster than light! I want to ride the shining sun into the fire! Wahahahahahah!
(Joe) Or have the AD do it.
(Joe) The AG do it.
(Joe) 'Maybe cutting off my arm was a bad idea. There are drawbacks I clearly had not considered.'
(Joe) I shouldn't have let Elizabeth Shue try her cold fusion device.
(Scott) Under the pier is typically a right nasty place.
(Scott) Karen and Lennox coming to terms.
(Scott) So, your script . . . is it behaving oddly for you?
(Joe) Daniels hollowed out President Palmer and climbed inside.
(Joe) From Wikipedia: Side effects of synthetic adrenaline overdoses: Strong desire to launch nuclear strikes. This usually isn't a problem with most people...

(Scott) It's pronounced Lein-oCHs
(Joe) Commercial: Getting a mani-pedi and a new outfit.
(Joe) The Food and Drug Administration also is in favor of warmer-than-room-temperature bread. Too bad, Subway.
(Joe) Peyton Manning: Hilarious.
(Joe) I guarantee that 'Drive' started out as a reality show concept.
(Scott) 9:41
(Joe) Uh, you totally have to fire Daniels.
(Joe) No, fire the Vice-President.
(Scott) No action against the cabinet.
(Joe) This is totally a Catch-22.
(Scott) Now, someone put me back in a coma. My brain hurts.
(Joe) Only a crazy person would want to be President on a day wracked with complex issues and mass casualties... Therefore, Palmer is insane.
(Joe) I'm going to close my eyes and catch a twenty-minute induced coma. And my arm is falling off.
(Scott) We're locked on the Isotope signal?
(Joe) Popped out of the socket when I tried to answer the phone.
(Scott) Why do people answer pay phones on TV?
(Scott) I'm sure no one does this in real life.
(Scott) Gradenko on the move.
(Joe) Could be good ol' fashioned bones-in-a-coffin masturbatory spycraft.
(Scott) And, spirited away . . .
(Joe) Left turns, etc.
(Joe) Why would there be a secondary channel?
(Scott) Lost the signal . . .
(Joe) And why would it be off?
(Joe) Behind you!
(Scott) If he can just turn it off, it's not a good transmitter.
(Scott) It's a bomb?
(Scott) Another arm cutting. Eat on that Chase.
(Scott) Blood trail.
(Scott) There are some crumbs heading that way . . .
(Joe) Oh, Luke Wilson. Have you no dignity? At long last, have you left no sense of dignity?
(Joe) Or decency.

(Scott) The Vice President has a large face.
(Scott) Traditionally
(Scott) 9:24
(Joe) 09:24:39
(Scott) Milo, can you fix my computer? I'll just stand over here.
(Scott) It's not as if there is any way Milo couldn't have seen this.
(Joe) Little Ricky: I LOVE religion!
(Scott) Ricky Schroder quoting the prophet? This can't be good.
(Joe) 'I can't get enough! Zoroaster bless you!'
(Joe) Why is Milo wearing a summer camp t-shirt?
(Scott) Just running some datasets. Nothing strange . . .
(Joe) Oh, right. Gun battle.
(Scott) Isn't Jack Bauer still on the show?
(Scott) Oh, geez . . .
(Scott) More Karen/Bill treacle.
(Joe) Surnow: A 'lady politician' is too emotional to keep it together during crisises.
(Scott) The Attorney General has drawn up immunity agreements while presiding over 25 amendment proceedings. And in under 30 minutes.
(Joe) I will set your beard on fire and use it to burn out your urethra.
(Scott) He's much better than the real AG.
(Scott) The Supreme court has instructions in under five minutes?
(Joe) The 25th amendment: The official amendment of 24. "Hi, I'm Mike Novick. You might remember me from such episodes as 'Season Two, Episode Three...."
(Scott) This doesn't sound like the speed of a group geriatrics.
(Scott) They should definitely bring Novick back on the show.
(Scott) She's coming on to him.
(Scott) Oh no, just offering perjured testimony.
(Scott) So you can do what's right for this country . . . starting World War 3, of course.
(Scott) The Vice President gets a door, but not the president?
(Scott) Conversations are recorded?
(Scott) Lennox is dead man.
(Joe) Tom Lennox should just use the thing in front of the Supreme Court. Or at least take some Secret Service members. He's definitely going to get an ashtray to the head.

(Scott) Any comments about Slim Fast advertising on 24?
(Scott) I notice Hardees isn't advertising their stroke burgers anymore.
(Scott) Followed by a Charlie Sheen commercial, and then a gardening expose?
(Scott) The demographics may not be what I was thinking for this show.
(Scott) Youtube, the TV show?
(Joe) 09:13:37
(Scott) 9:13
(Scott) Seriously Milo, trying to save the world . . .
(Joe) Shouldn't these people have 5 o'clock shadows? Or rather, 9 o'clock shadows?
(Scott) Nadia?
(Joe) Is little Ricky Shroeder allowed to have girls in his room?
(Scott) Or were you thinking of someone else?
(Joe) "I know we got off to a kinda bad start."
(Scott) Little Ricky has 5 o'clock shadow.
(Scott) The management of CTU is just terrible.
(Scott) Rat on Milo or he gets arrested . . .
(Scott) Oh, the consitution doesn't allow the president to fire the Vice President? Is that true?
(Joe) 'I will call the Attorney General right now and he will draft a document compelling you to check his computer.'
(Scott) Didn't Nixon fire a VP or two?
(Scott) I guess technically the Vice President is elected.
(Joe) Yeah. More than a few. Well, Agnew resigned at least.
(Scott) Hey, they brought back the cabinet monitors.
(Scott) The vote is 7-7
(Joe) The most exciting cabinet meetings in TV history.
(Joe) "Ah, ah, ah! No take-backs."
(Scott) If this thing is invalid, can someone just put me back in the coma again?
(Joe) What? Like no cabinet members would change their mind after the crazy machinations.
(Scott) Hah, the Supreme court is going to meet in an hour.
(Scott) No time for legal preparations.
(Joe) Yeah, I sense an assasination attempt on Daniels by Palmer.

(Scott) Prison Break is definitely the lost Dickens novel.
(Scott) Internet problems tonight
(Scott) 24 Season 6 - Episode 16ish
(Scott) The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM
(Scott) Wayne Palmer trying to emulate FDR. Get me a monocle, stat!
(Scott) He wants a shot of adrenaline? Is that even helpful for this sort of thing?
(Scott) Hey, another 25 amendment challenge from the vice president. They should have this law down pretty good by now.
(Scott) Can't Palmer just fire the Vice President?
(Scott) Heh, the doctor had to induce a temporary coma. Five hours seemed to have worked ok.
(Joe) Then why can't he just fire all the cabinet members that disagree?
(Scott) I think he could, actually.
(Scott) This strikes me as a class president debate.
(Joe) And a monocle would help. And a 'nurse'.
(Scott) If you vote for me, I'll see that we get real cheese on Pizza Day.
(Scott) And no homework on Fridays!
(Joe) "... respond to the attack with nothing..."
(Scott) Lennox is auditioning for a game show host role.
(Joe) (That is, respond to the bomb not exploding but skidding across a parking lot...)