Lost Season Finale

We don't cover Lost regularly, but that that was the single greatest episode of any show in the history of modern television.

(Scott) Is this snowboarder guy someone I should know?
(Scott) Harvey Keitel?
(Joe) If you followed the last Winter Olympics. He was the one that didn't suck ass and whose cousin did not shoot a cop.
(Joe) You're thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.
(Joe) Day zero?
(Scott) I care about as much about Chloe and Morris as I do about the Winter Olympics.
(Scott) 5:40
(Scott) Epilogue to follow.
(Scott) Along with a twist ending, I'm sure.
(Joe) Jack and his wife splurge on a Blizzard(TM) on the way home from the outlet mall.
(Joe) The Joint Chiefs? They've been asleep. Did you need them? You've never been in the Situation Room.
(Joe) "Allright, Tom. Take care of that for me."
(Scott) Ok, so Bill Buchanan may not be a mole after all . . .
(Joe) You called it.
(Scott) I can only console myself on having been right about so many other things.
(Scott) For example . . .
(Scott) Perhaps a pregnancy . . .
(Scott) There it is . . .
(Scott) I'll be a great drunk father. I have tons of Altoids.
(Joe) By the way, you should use some of those Altoids.
(Scott) She's being held in a basement?
(Joe) Steam. Pipe. Trunk. Distribution. Venue.
(Joe) And the Chinese kidnap Karen!
(Scott) 24 writers should avoid intentional humor.
(Scott) Here's your mother who we lied to and held her without justification.
(Joe) He must have run away. We weren't going to trade him for a chip of dubious value.
(Scott) Still 15 minutes to go . . .
(Joe) No, I think you should have said "Jack fell into the ocean. Probably dead."
(Scott) We'll never find him . . . but I suspect Tank Glynn may contact us one day.
(Scott) Heller . . .
(Joe) Spidey Sense(TM) music.
(Scott) Bauer gets the drop on him . . .
(Joe) Still wet?
(Scott) Hopefully it's sweat.
(Scott) This will end like a Frankenstein movie, I bet.
(Joe) Kim is just fine. Well, okay, she's ruined. Uh, Tony? No. Michelle? Nope. Uh. Curtis is still alive. Okay, we don't talk anymore.
(Scott) The only thing I've ever done is what you and people like you asked me to. And then there were the other times where I substituted my own judgement.
(Joe) He's very contrite looking at a silenced pistol.
(Joe) "I want my life back, and I want it now."
(Joe) He hee hee.
(Joe) "LIKE YOUR WIFE DID"
(Scott) Had to play the wife card . . .
(Joe) Snap.
(Scott) That wasn't even remotely his fault.
(Joe) She's probably sleeping. Or detoxing.
(Joe) Ex-Chinese prisoners get to go home within a few hours?
(Joe) Behind you.
(Joe) Behind you.
(Joe) Behind you. (not a duplicate)
(Scott) Too easy. More likely she'll freak out at his sight.
(Joe) "I'm at a crossroads."
(Joe) Look for a Britney Spears-themed road trip movie.
(Scott) She's a robot!
(Joe) By the way, over the last 548 days, 547 have been in a Chinese torture camp. I might change my mind.
(Scott) Ok, so you were right.
(Scott) She's better off in her hospital bed.
(Scott) Nice house. I bet it's from defense contract kick backs.
(Joe) Silent countdown.
(Scott) And that's the whole thing . . . finally.
(Joe) And there it is.
(Scott) Ok, no wrap up from me. I'm on the verge of illness or food poisoning or something.
(Scott) Surely there will be no previews for next season . . .
(Joe) Like a warm blanket. Time for us to start mapping out character arcs for next season. And watch a monkey wiping its ass on a car tire for twenty-four hours next season.
(Joe) Should have washed the eggplant.

(Scott) Heh, I hear there are previews for the sequel to Must Like Dogs.
(Scott) Must like Peruvian Guinea Pigs
(Joe) Must Love Dogs (MLD to us fans) doesn't need a sequel. It's like 'Sleepless'. ('I always cry at Sleepless.')
(Scott) Oscar de la Renta translates literally to mean Oscar of the Renta.
(Scott) Is that different from While You Were Sleeping?
(Scott) Or is just a different title?
(Scott) 5:26
(Joe) Whidbey Island. Took me the longest time to think of that.
(Joe) "You're behaving like a child."
(Joe) "You must never let them control you." 'You're just like your father. Your real father.'
(Scott) This oil rig looks suspiciously like every other basement/industrial scene on this show.
(Scott) four minutes 30 seconds until missile.
(Joe) Soundstage.
(Scott) This is why you don't get kids involved in your silly plots.
(Joe) Hit him harder and you won't have to use the gun. That you don't know how to use.
(Joe) In the face.
(Scott) Always engage the safety . . .
(Joe) 'Remember, I used to send you five dollars for your birthday. I had my people remember every year.'
(Scott) Any chance of Jack shooting him in the arm?
(Joe) Shoot him and get the frick out of there.
(Scott) What about you? Oh I'm planning on shooting the bastard.
(Joe) "You don't have time to carry me."
(Scott) Second gun?
(Joe) Attach a tow line to him.
(Joe) Or at least a flare.
(Scott) Leave Chang . . .
(Joe) You should be airborne now.
(Scott) Good thinking with the ladder.
(Joe) He can always heroically jump and dangle from the landing rails.
(Scott) Debris and fire? No, no problem.
(Scott) Heading back to CTU with Jack dangling the whole way . . .
(Joe) They have air-to-sea missiles. They should have had it in their loadouts.
(Joe) (Submarine.)
(Scott) Eh, sure I guess I trust you now. Sure what the hell. No strike.
(Joe) Why did he pick up the phone?
(Joe) He's on a video conference.
(Scott) Heh, good point.
(Joe) Nope, sorry, just video coverage. But he wasn't on the handset before.
(Joe) Uncle Jack fell?
(Scott) Jack is swimming back to China for revenge.
(Joe) At the same beach?
(Joe) Next stop, Idaho.
(Scott) Maybe this time he'll do this whole on the road thing right.
(Scott) Jack Bauer? No, my names Frank. Frank Flynn.
(Joe) Neither.

(Scott) They had to give credit to pong for that commercial?
(Joe) Seriously, that 'alert' started with something like 'President Daniels today ordered...' and not 'POTUS/NSC INIT. CAS. ...'.
(Scott) That ranks about 45345435th in the list unrealistic things this season.
(Scott) 5:14
(Joe) 8:15AM on the East Coast
(Joe) Flanking position of our two-dimensional military base.
(Scott) So the Russian troops are actually in foreign territory now?
(Scott) Flanking two?
(Joe) They're on one side.
(Scott) No threat of retaliation from the US? Seriously . . .
(Scott) Threaten to give Japan those islands back.
(Joe) Unless we have a military base on the Russian border.
(Joe) Destroy the submarine.
(Joe) Duh.
(Scott) Definitely destroy the submarine.
(Joe) This guy is stupid. Don't let the Reds see how good/bad our satellite coverage is.
(Scott) We can just give the Russians a link to the satellite feed just like that?
(Joe) 10 miles is within the 12 nautical mile control of U.S. territory. We can just blow that submarine into pieces.
(Scott) 18 minutes? I can drive across LA during rush hour quicker than that.
(Scott) Since it's supporting an operation on US soil, I'm pretty sure they don't even need the justification.
(Joe) I think we can blow them up within 200 nautical miles before international treaties take over.
(Scott) Phillip needs a haircut.
(Scott) Just a reminder, Chang is a consulate.
(Scott) This scene will be in the video game.
(Scott) Was there a car on the platform?
(Scott) Chang is on the helicopto.
(Joe) Remember this?
(Joe) http://archives.cnn.com/2001/US/07/03/china.plane/index.html
(Scott) So, Joe . . . you're going to be purchasing Knocked Up, right?
(Joe) President Bush was such a sissy.
(Scott) Is that the Navy survelliance plane?
(Joe) I liked the book...
(Joe) Consul. Is he?

(Scott) Josh has a guitar displayed prominently in his living room. Melissa is better off.
(Scott) What the hell was that?
(Scott) Invoice price is a rip off.
(Joe) Vitamin Water used to be considered healthy and thirst-quenching. After that commercial, weird and a little girlie.
(Scott) The dealers don't really pay that.
(Scott) Progressive will not report you to social services.
(Joe) Auto dealers have questionable sales tactics? Bah!
(Joe) Click It or Ticket
(Scott) This woman is the most hated person in the office.
(Scott) Turn it down! Trying to keep my job here.
(Joe) The cover of the Season 6 set will be a piece of crap in a bag.
(Scott) 24 - season 6, episode (holy crap, I can't believe we're almost done with this nonsense!) 24
(Scott) The following takes place between 5:00 AM and 6:00 AM.
(Joe) Why did the subcircuit board beep before it blew up? Shouldn't it be a, you know, surprise. Also, he could have just shot him in the face.
(Joe) Much cheaper.
(Joe) Isn't that just one more thing to go wrong?
(Scott) P. Bauer just happens to have an exploding replica of the component (whatever a component is)?
(Scott) Shooting in the face would have been cheaper. And more believable.
(Joe) $0.35 bullet vs. military-grade plastic explosive in a custom crafted case.
(Scott) I want to go with Chang!
(Scott) He understands me.
(Joe) I call him Papa Change.
(Joe) I call him Papa Chang.
(Scott) The Chinese will never double cross us.
(Scott) Papa Change is a completely different guy.
(Joe) "Her vitals are strong." "They why did she collapse?"
(Scott) Chloe is pregnant, right?
(Joe) "You should be at your workstation."
(Joe) So, why is Chloe being separated from the rest of them, at this late hour?
(Scott) To be pregnant, of course.
(Scott) Or die . . .
(Scott) A thermal scan.
(Joe) Did they really just need to flesh out the dialogue for THE SEASON FINALE? It's the teleplay equivalent of an actor drinking coffee.
(Joe) Let's have a character need medical attention. How about TWO?
(Scott) The satellite was monitoring the platform the entire time. That would be precient if I could spell that correctly.
(Joe) How does the doctor know their relationship?
(Scott) Ex-husband . . . and drunk . . . and of course you were responsible for nuclear weapon detonating today.
(Joe) Cough -- filler -- cough.
(Joe) F-18s.
(Scott) F18 . . .
(Scott) Assault team is too dangerous . . .
(Joe) What is this, Bosnia? Do we need to have standoff strike capability?
(Scott) Seriously, they're right off of our shore.
(Joe) You're going to be allright, Mike.
(Scott) You'll be no worse off than Chase, Mike.
(Joe) (As they slide him into a black body bag...)
(Scott) If Jack were to start swimming now, he'd be there in 8 minutes, I think.
(Joe) The alert was formatted like an AP wire article.
(Scott) Those helicopter lessons have paid off in spades for Jack.
(Joe) How is the chopper revving up?
(Joe) Remote control?
(Scott) Soon to be unconscious pilot.
(Joe) Ah, his knapsack of pain.
(Joe) Ah, okay.
(Scott) Comandeering your helicoptor.
(Joe) That should be in the CTU employee orientation: If Jack Bauer wants something, let him have it or he will kill you.
(Joe) Modest Mouse - Dashboard

(Scott) Oceans 11 again? Didn't the last one kill off the franchise?
(Scott) That carpet looks like hotel room carpet.
(Joe) Commercial: The second-most awesome movie ever. Ocean's 13.
(Joe) They have tasers. And exploding subcircuit boards.
(Scott) Ocean's 12 was a waste.
(Scott) This is the way agriculture will really look in 2060.
(Scott) Except the plants will try to eat you.
(Joe) The Julia Roberts thing was a stretch. And Damon's parents.
(Scott) High in protein though.
(Scott) 4:53
(Joe) You can totally bluff them.
(Scott) All of this for a component.
(Joe) They'll buy it this time.
(Scott) I'm not feeling great tonight. These conversations aren't helping. No, not at all.
(Joe) Their country home in Vermont... Sigh.
(Scott) Need a real time update on CTU's progress.
(Scott) None, none, none, none . . .
(Scott) Offshore platform . . .
(Scott) The final shootout will involve Phillip Bauer falling into the ocean.
(Joe) The trauma team says he'll be fine. He might have an eyepatch. Or two. If only the trauma team had been at the scene earlier. Or, say, a field agent with first aid training.
(Joe) I agree.
(Joe) I agree.
(Scott) Chang again . . .
(Scott) He's due for dying soon.
(Joe) No body will be found. Very Murdock/MacGyver.
(Joe) What, are they immortal now? Do they have Spidey Sense(TM)? What was up with that 2-shot?
(Scott) Chloe could use a drink and a handful of Altoids.
(Scott) Chloe could use a drink and a handful of Altoids.
(Joe) Chloe will collapse. Polonium poisoning.
(Scott) A collapse is imminent . . .
(Scott) And there it is.
(Scott) One more . . .
(Joe) Hey Melissa and Josh.

(Joe) Commercial: The most awesome movie ever. Transformers, July 4th.
(Scott) The whole transformers concept doesn't seem sound.
(Joe) Commercial: Citibank platitudes.
(Scott) Why would aliens look like trucks?
(Scott) Or are they just robots? I guess someone had to make them to look like robots.
(Scott) Maybe it's a planet of the apes type thing.
(Scott) Ford is really scraping for compliments. Apparently somebody on a yahoo forum said their car was ok.
(Joe) They could take the shape of anything, but they found a car lot first and thought that they were the dominant life form. Apparently advanced civilizations don't pick up TV signals.
(Scott) What about the ones that turn into large insects?
(Joe) Collectible glasses!
(Joe) Same idea. Ditto for the dinosaurs.
(Scott) Oh, right. I forgot the dinosaurs.
(Scott) 4:41
(Joe) Weird that they take the form of things little kids think are cool.
(Scott) The vice-president is doing interrogations himself now . . .
(Joe) The information pipeline is working so quick, finally, at 7AM or whatever.
(Scott) If the transformers were in the 1950s, they would be yoyos and hula hoops.
(Joe) Give him some time. He'll apologize soon.
(Scott) Far less effective.
(Scott) Go down hard . . .
(Scott) Both you and your husband.
(Scott) Let me explain further.
(Scott) That would be far more interesting than this nonsense.
(Joe) If they put on a performance of 'Where's Charley', that would be fine, too.
(Scott) Seriously, sitting there bored out of your mind. Sometimes you just want a cigarette.
(Scott) Aha, by sea!
(Joe) "Tracker shows them moving toward the water."
(Scott) In relation to that huge-ass map of the entire state of California, Josh appears to be moving West.
(Scott) I'm taking cover . . . behind Josh apparently.
(Scott) Kidnapper number 1 is out of breath.
(Joe) The subcircuit board. In the water.
(Scott) Yeah, back up. A little further . . . a little further.
(Scott) Sucker . . .
(Joe) Why is this subcircuit board ticking? And why are you field-modifying your cellphone?
(Scott) Shoot the boat!
(Scott) If they find a small dingy to pursue them in, that would be awesome.
(Scott) Scan him, heh
(Scott) Short it out? They really have things to short out a transponder in someone's arm?
(Joe) Good thing they didn't think about the radioactive isotope.
(Joe) Oh, damn.
(Scott) If Jack were smart, he'd demand a pardon now.
(Joe) I'm sure we've made a carpal tunnel joke about the Attorney General.
(Scott) Not so pretty now, are you rich kid?

(Scott) Hey, I just noticed the Jesus thing.
(Scott) The secretary one is my favorite.
(Joe) Mine too.
(Scott) Computers are why Jesus doesn't get directly involved like that.
(Scott) Did you notice Jesus is missing his right hand in that one.
(Scott) Must have been an accident with on the construction site.
(Scott) 4:31
(Scott) Who is this guy?
(Scott) A frind of Chloe's? An unnecessary plot point?
(Scott) Probably all of those.
(Joe) He's Sylar from Heroes.
(Joe) But creepier.
(Scott) How does he just walk by security? Maybe through the sewer?
(Scott) Milo's brother? Oh good lord. Last two hours people.
(Joe) 'How did you get in' 'Yeah, the front door is wide open. I was waiting in the server room with those Russians and Phillip Bauer's henchman.'
(Scott) Within five minutes, agents are at Karen's door. Also, they wait politely for her to finish her call with her collaborator.
(Joe) "I know your name. My brother talked about you."
(Scott) Your brother died because the writers couldn't come up with anything better to do that episode. Sorry Stuart, just a bad season.
(Joe) "Jack escaped. How?"
(Joe) Seriously?
(Joe) Apparently, you can just walk around freely in CTU.
(Scott) See, waiting with nothing better to do is what makes people take up smoking.
(Scott) Same situation as Josh, I've wanted a cigarette.
(Joe) "Dammit."
(Joe) And a blindfold.
(Joe) "Is my uncle coming?"

(Scott) The American Express promotion is really just a terrible incentive.
(Scott) Watch more of the season that sucked than you really need to.
(Scott) I've said it before, I'll say it again. You do not need a truck that can do anything you see in a truck commercial.
(Joe) Commercial: Generic tough Toyota Tundra commercial.
(Scott) No, you're not an exception. Just go ahead an get a civic.
(Joe) Commercial: iPod/iTunes
(Joe) Commercial: Apocalypto on DVD
(Scott) Black people being nice to white people. White people being nice to black people. That's Liberty Mutual folks
(Scott) 4:19
(Joe) Commercial: People doing the sh*t they're supposed to do in civil society.
(Scott) The component has an R72 socket on the underside.
(Scott) Plug your PDA into that.
(Scott) You do have an adapter, right?
(Joe) Your PDA has a R-72 socket. You can easily interface with the secret Russian technology.
(Scott) Internal deployment grid . . .
(Joe) 'I need to view your internal deployment grid.'
(Joe) 94 ACN
(Scott) The security code is ACN. This may be why it's so easy to hack into CTU.
(Scott) Why are they holding Marilyn Bauer anyway?
(Scott) And completely lying to her too.
(Joe) 'It doesn't work. Do I have to be using Internet Explorer for this? Oh, it's asking me to accept some certificate.'
(Scott) Seriously, no grounds whatsoever for holding her. They let a noted terrorist walk a couple of seasons ago.
(Joe) Ask Chloe, Nazi.
(Joe) Anyone Confident in Nadia?
(Scott) Josh is standing awkwardly in Chloe's internface.
(Scott) Phillip Bauer is coming by sea.
(Joe) "Morris, the next time I want your opinion, I'll ask for it."
(Joe) One lantern, or two.
(Scott) Generic CTU agent is a terrible job to have.
(Joe) www.cturookie.com
(Scott) Two, definitely two.
(Joe) "Agent Turner, put the weapon down."
(Scott) He got a name, so I guess he gets to live.
(Scott) Bill Buchanan drives a large truck. If he needs to haul 65 tons, they're set.
(Joe) Agent Turner will likely get a larger-than-normal Christmas/Winter Solstice/Yule bonus.

(Scott) I was putting a together a list of phrases that you can only find here, on liveblogging TV, but I left them at work. So, nothing special for the finale . . . alas.
(Joe) Well, if we're going to do that, then I wrote an alternate tale in the style of Beowulf about this season.
(Joe) A blue file folder! Gasp!
(Scott) I had to yell at barking dogs, so I missed most of the "previously on" part. The only thing you need to know is that it sucked.
(Joe) They should have threatened the U.S. into getting the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. Would have made more sense.
(Scott) It would be a list of selected phrases, of course.
(Scott) 24 season 6, episode 23.
(Scott) The following takes place between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM
(Joe) 'If Marcellus Wallace is allowed to get his soul back, there will be serious consequences.'
(Scott) Ricky Schroeder looks like Josh's father.
(Joe) I can't tell which is which. At least give one of them a scar.
(Joe) Josh doesn't believe this for a second.
(Scott) Heh, when we get what we need, we'll recover you. That's more along the lines of terminology used to refer to bodies.
(Joe) 'Hey kid, no chopping that arm off.'
(Scott) He inoculated him against the black oil.
(Scott) Chloe has hit the wall.
(Scott) FB sub-circuit board, seriously.
(Joe) Whenever Jack is arrested, they should assume that Chloe will get a phone call within the next few minutes.
(Scott) The Americans apologizing to avoid war? Not likely . . .
(Joe) It's also interesting that someone under 'temporary custody' is allowed to talk to the National Security Advisor.
(Scott) CTU custody is less than a halfway house.
(Scott) More like a Dukakis furlough.
(Joe) He could just open the door on the other side of the black SUV.
(Scott) He could just drive the SUV
(Scott) It even has flashy lights.
(Scott) Maybe it's more like juvenile custody. He's just going to go see a social worker.
(Joe) 'CTU has put me under temporary custody. My hands are tied.' 'I can't just, you know, rip out someone's throat.'
(Scott) All lame discussions of ideas should end with the expression "It's so crazy, it just might work!"
(Joe) 'If your idea involves two watermelons, a carton of animal lard and a college dormitory, count me in. Otherwise...'
(Scott) Why is Bill Buchanan getting searched? I must have missed something.
(Joe) C'mon Bill, kick his ass. Use your yoga skills to downward dog his neck until it snaps.
(Joe) He blue-foldered a terrorist.
(Joe) "What are you asking me to do, Karen?" "Whatever it takes to stop the exchange..."
(Joe) 'Wait here, I've got to look in the portable toilets...'
(Scott) An example of a phrase appearing only on this site: "bleeding profusely is just part of growing up"
(Scott) The signal is scrambled but I can hear both ends. So yes, the answer to your question is yes. Sorry I drug this on for so long to answer a simple question.
(Joe) Moles! Aha!
(Scott) Josh's tracker signal . . .
(Joe) It's the suits from Headquarters or whatever.
(Scott) CTU has the worst security. Worse than in previous seasons . . .
(Scott) Oooh, spooky . . .
(Scott) Joshua
(Scott) Ricky Schroeder trying to background act while other dialog is going on.
(Scott) You'll like China. Far fewer restrictions on how you process food.
(Joe) 'Josh -- you need to cooperate.' "Grandpa, I'll rip your face off next time I see you. Who's got YOUR nose, bitch?'

Jesus: With You Always

This was, uh, handed to us by a kid. On an airplane. He's certainly going to hell. We, however, have nothing but respect for this artist and his inspiring work. The kid, though. Rotten.
http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/index.htm

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/secretary.jpg
"No, CTRL+F8. At the same time. Press the CTRL key. No, keep it held down . . . keep . . . ok, now press . . . here, let me do this."

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/expectant.jpg
"I'm so embarrassed, I honestly thought you were pregnant. No, you don't look fat."

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/construction.jpg
"He's going to start screaming after he drills in another eighth-of-an-inch. I'd better hold him down."

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/carpetlayer.jpg
"I know I'm just a carpenter, but, you know, that tack strip needs to be secured every at least twelve inches to the subfloor. Just my two denari, buddy."

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/teller.jpg
"Fifty-three, seven, fourteen, eight, eleventy-nine... <snicker>"

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/fisherman.jpg
"Behold, my child, you will soon lift a multitude of fish. Wha... is that 20-lb. line? Are you freakin' serious? You can't even come prepared for a Dad-damned miracle bounty! Okay, jackhole, I'll bless you with 19 pounds of guppies you good for nothing moth... <mumble>"

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/executive.jpg
"I can't even get into what you do. What do you do? F**cking H Christ ... when is break time?"

(Scott) What does it mean if something has more cola taste than something else?
(Scott) This question from someone who finds all of that crap to be nothing but brown acidic syrup in carbonated water.
(Scott) Oh, with enough sugar to give you a chronic disease.
(Scott) The Ford Edge: Inspired by a new point of view.
(Joe) We're about to go to war over a UN resolution. We're about to go to war over oil slant-drilling. We're about to go to war over Commies. We're about to go to war over Commies. We're about to go to war over a government attack approved by FDR. We're about to go to war over some Archduke. We're about to go to war over a bunch of crazy Southerners not getting their way. We're about to go to war over trading. We're about to go to war over taxes and inevitablility. We're about to go to war over scalping. We're about to go to war over people wanting land.
(Scott) Incidentally, if Daimler would have just asked me whether they should have bought Chrysler, I would have told them no for 5 million.
(Scott) 3:54
(Joe) FYI: The troops were already at their highest alert level.
(Scott) Phillip Bauer on the line . . .
(Scott) He's in league with the Chinese. But can you say that in Portuguese?
(Scott) 3PTL3. That's the shortest serial number I've heard.
(Joe) The Russians eschewed the use of Cyrillic to be more secretive.
(Scott) He wants free passage to a country of his choice.
(Joe) Just like the Russian submarine last season.
(Scott) It's hard to encode cyrillic.
(Joe) "He's a sociopath." "Tom." "He is a sociopath, there's no doubt about that."
(Scott) Or maybe the UTF8 support is why the Chinese want this component so badly.
(Scott) That would make more sense than any other motivation they've given.
(Joe) Aren't there two of those circuit boards?
(Scott) It must have a CJK plug-in.
(Joe) Or just one?
(Scott) I don't think there are two.
(Scott) What will you do when you find Grandfather . . .
(Joe) There is no way they would let Jack in on it. Must be a tri.
(Scott) I don't want you to think about how I will yank your Grandfather's arteries out.
(Scott) Not with out my nephew!
(Joe) Josh! Uncle Jack!
(Joe) Two-hour season finale.
(Scott) Just one more week . . .
(Scott) Finally.
(Scott) This particular episode is not as bad as many of the others.
(Scott) Minus the White House "intrigue"
(Joe) Again, they want us to dial a word... And send a text message... that's a number. Pure 24.

(Joe) Dane Cook needs to be killed in this movie.
(Scott) Kevin Costner, William Hurt, and Demi Moore?
(Joe) AND DANE COOK
(Joe) Dane Friggin' Cook.
(Scott) Boring, irritated, and inane.
(Scott) And Dane Cook.
(Scott) Whoever that is.
(Scott) Wasn't he a character in Miller's Crossing?
(Joe) Hey, a professional version of two paper towels and a broom.
(Scott) Heh. That's tougher than you'd think.
(Joe) "I was born to make movies."
(Scott) 3:39
(Joe) 03:39L48
(Joe) 03:39:48
(Joe) Unnamed subsystem.
(Joe) Christ.
(Scott) Ben Cram from Division?
(Scott) Ben Cram, Auditor?
(Joe) Just one of consequence.
(Scott) This was a breech in security protocols.
(Scott) Leaving the sewer unlocked?
(Scott) The staff roster, yeah, that's the thing with Milo's brain matter on it.
(Joe) Are you sure he's not a mole? I'm not.
(Scott) Positive he's not a mole. That's still Buchanan.
(Joe) They aren't from Division.
(Joe) They're Chinese in Dockers clothing.
(Scott) Morris is suddenly very forgiving of others mistakes.
(Scott) He looks as Chinese as the other people, I guess.
(Joe) "I've had experience with that." I used to sell women's shoes.
(Joe) Also, Milo wanted to be paid more than scale. Greedy bugger.
(Scott) Sir, Tom Lennox is on the line with a traceable call which will surely bring down your administration.
(Joe) Good catch.
(Scott) Lisa couldn't breathe for 10 seconds, 5 minutes in 24 time.
(Joe) That's like being strangled for an entire trans-Pacific trip.
(Scott) If he cries, so help me . . .
(Joe) Jack and Josh with a little father-son time.
(Joe) Jack and Little Ricky with some more father-son time.
(Scott) They'll all ride a train and dance in the closing credits.
(Joe) Take him *back* to China?
(Joe) Josh is Chinese!
(Scott) They're quite good with the infiltration.
(Joe) Freeze frame as they're laughing as the credits roll.
(Joe) "Let's do this."
(Scott) 24 amendment monitors are brought to you by Cisco.
(Joe) Cisco Telepresence
(Scott) Again, I state that this whole Russian/American thread is completely unbelievable.
(Joe) "You mean the same documentation you planted with one of my agents?"
(Scott) 50 years of mutually assured destruction and then a war over nuclear technology?
(Scott) Load of crap, I say.
(Joe) Condoleeza Rice came up with it. Also, the President is awful at this game.
(Joe) You have, uh, two hours.
(Scott) This threat of World War III was brought to you by Cisco.
(Joe) We're about to go to war over a piece of circuitry.

(Joe) No, wait, Rolph in the Sound of Music.
(Scott) Am I finding things more creepy in the past? Or are things more creepy than they were?
(Joe) 03:25:19
(Scott) 3:25
(Joe) Super, the White House. More baritone talking contests.
(Scott) Russians are moving two mechanized divisions since the last time we spoke 30 minutes ago.
(Scott) Tactical team on the move would make this dialog more acceptable.
(Joe) "Sir, Tom Lennox is supposed to be on the call with me. I couldn't find him." 'Which one of us is he planning to kill *now*?'
(Joe) So, it's almos six-thirty in the morning.
(Joe) So, it's almost six-thirty in the morning.
(Joe) (East Coast time)
(Scott) Oh, I can't believe this is on TV
(Scott) No one cares about Fred Thompson Jr.
(Joe) Who's wearing more eye-makeup? The President or Karen?
(Scott) Tom Lennox in an awkward moment.
(Scott) Why is he in pain?
(Joe) Tom and his special-ops van-mate are going to end up at the nearest bar.
(Scott) The wire must have been uncomforable.
(Scott) Gotta go do abolutions.
(Scott) Wash my hand 15 times.
(Joe) Okay, I don't have a PDA, but I guarantee they don't work like what he's doing.
(Scott) That really is the least covert survellience equipment ever.
(Scott) Wait, a minute, am I on camera? Alan Funt?
(Joe) "I'm just going to pour myself a glass of wine." (at 6:30AM
(Joe) I don't think it's just because you're tired.
(Scott) Why static? Gas station cameras are crystal clear.
(Joe) "Why can't you look me in the eye?"
(Joe) Break down the door, god-damned suits...
(Scott) They're just White House staff. What can they do? Give a tour?
(Joe) The Russians don't recruit as well as they used to.
(Scott) Ok, so maybe secret service or something.
(Joe) Commercial guy is one of the agents there.
(Scott) Which commercial?
(Joe) No, VH-1 Best Week Ever guy is one of the agents.
(Scott) Never seen it.
(Scott) Maybe he wants a pardon?
(Scott) In writing from the Attorney General?
(Joe) Get the Attorney General on the phone.
(Scott) Chang is feeling the shadow of death upon him.
(Joe) I'm not afraid of you, Chang. Despite the fact that I want to live in your country, where I can only imagine you operate with total abandon.

(Scott) He goes down there for solitude.
(Joe) Movie: Kim Bauer hanging onto the bottom of a vehicle and dying like Edgar. I'm definitely going to see that movie.
(Scott) 3:13
(Joe) "Does anyone there know Ahmed al-Duodi?" Hilarious.
(Scott) Chang will die this episode.
(Joe) "Hello Josh."
(Scott) Remember where you heard it.
(Joe) He just said, 'close that laptop'.
(Scott) What is this Grandfather you speak of?
(Joe) "I'm taking you away from this ungrateful country." (The one I ostensibly helped bomb because I love it so much.)
(Scott) This is the way dialog should go in 24, with a tactical team moving in to the area.
(Scott) Ungreatful.
(Joe) Pretty crappy phone from a country that will surpass the U.S. in ten years.
(Scott) Or ungrateful if I could spell
(Scott) Jack Bauer is randomly shooting in to vehicles.
(Scott) Fortunately he didn't service in a mall parking lot.
(Scott) Surface, I mean.
(Joe) Classic 24 death-by-shooting. Like a muppet whose puppeteer's hand gets yanked down below the Pigs in Space set.
(Joe) Your voice-to-text software sucks tonight.
(Scott) Chang=dying
(Joe) Chang=the new Nina
(Scott) Including the whole love triangle? Maybe . . .
(Joe) "Chang, it's over! Put the weapon down!"
(Joe) Don't trust him! He knows the martial arts!
(Joe) I can't believe my brother raised my son to be such a sissy.
(Scott) Should have disarmed Chang first . . . or shot him.
(Joe) Moral of the story: Always shoot the Chinese guy first.
(Scott) Or the Russian guy on the Submarine.
(Joe) Or the Nazi in Saving Private Ryan
(Scott) Oh yeah, that Nazi was pretty hard to kill.
(Joe) Or Liesl in the Sound of Music
(Joe) 03:20

(Joe) Who knows about me and the Russians?
(Joe) Okay, re-runs of House *are* actually better than Drive.
(Scott) 24, season 6 - episode 22
(Scott) The following takes place between 3:00 AM and 4:00 AM
(Joe) http://www.stevekmccoy.com/reformissionary/2006/03/jack_bauer_fact.html
(Joe) Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.
(Joe) Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
(Scott) Josh appears to have an anger problem.
(Scott) Lots of slapping.
(Scott) A somewhat darker three stooges, really.
(Joe) Chinese Jack Bauer has a way with people.
(Scott) But you don't look Chinese.
(Joe) They seem to be extricating Josh into the sewers.
(Scott) Josh is smart enough to not walk through sewage.
(Joe) I think that's the Cobra logo on top of the static in the monitors.
(Scott) I'm moving ou into two groups. You, you're shirts. The rest of you, skins!
(Joe) "... it's a long shot"
(Joe) "When I make my move, take out the first guy on the left."
(Scott) Morris with the headlock
(Joe) Morris is having trouble. Milo doesn't seem to care.
(Scott) Nadia is kicking a good deal more ass than Morris.
(Joe) Milo still has that blank look on his face.
(Scott) Little Ricky to the rescue.
(Joe) "But you're still under arrest."
(Scott) Doyle's in command.
(Joe) Just like in Denver.
(Scott) You will probably have to shoot him.
(Joe) In the Farsi version: "You did great, even with your garish Western makeup and whorish morality."
(Scott) Maybe I've forgotten from all the ennui, but this seems like more action than we've had in several hours.
(Joe) Jack knows the schematics of the sewer lines better than anyone?

Not a Metaphor

This past Saturday I went on a 96 mile bike ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It started out nice, but about 70 miles into it, I realized that I was not really in the shape to ride 96 miles. After one stretch that saw me climbing for five straight miles up a rather steep incline (ascending 1500 feet in that one climb), the ride was officially grueling. Grueling became painful. Painful became excruciating. And yet, I kept pedaling up the road because that was the direction in which my car was located, parked just after mile marker 167. Slowly the wooden mile markers ticked past . . . 134 . . . 135 . . . 136. Up one climb, then coast down the descent only to climb again. 142 . . . 143 . . . 144 . . . Everything either hurts or is numb. Up another incline . . . 151 . . . 152 . . . 153 . . . Running out of water. Wow, that squirrel is huge. Is he talking to me? . . . 160 . . . 161 . . . 162 . . . 162? Holy crap, just five miles to go and I'm done with this! Excitement reigned. As I pedaled the last few miles thinking only about going home, laying down, and drinking enough to make the pain stop, the suffering was only getting progressively worse. I was more sore and tired at 165 than I was at 135. And yet, because it was the last few miles, I was getting progressively happier.

Anyhow, that story is neither here nor there . . . stay tuned for the second to last night of season 6 of 24!

(Joe) Walk it off, Milo.
(Scott) Milo dying doesn't exactly rate so far as 24 deaths go.
(Joe) He doesn't warrant a silent countdown to :59:59
(Joe) It does sound totally dumb.
(Scott) I wouldn't have expected him to warrant a commercial.
(Joe) Josh and Melissa are both extraordinarily wealthy for their age or they live with their parents.
(Scott) A red pearl for you mother? That doesn't sound appropriate.
(Scott) A little creepy, actually.
(Joe) No bearded hipster would have pastel artwork on the walls.
(Scott) 2:50
(Joe) 02:50
(Scott) Those sound like Kung Fu dubbing voices.
(Joe) I would pay any amount of money for Jack to flip out at the sight of so many Chinese people with guns.
(Scott) Heh, push the chair against the glass, easy to open door.
(Joe) They came for Josh?
(Scott) Door knob?
(Scott) No door knob.
(Joe) Because that's what you do.
(Scott) Ooh, a fan you have to crawl through. What movie is this?
(Scott) The fugitive?
(Joe) Poseidon.
(Scott) No, I've seen it elsewhere.
(Joe) I'm putting down my gun.
(Scott) He says to send you and the woman. You'll need a hall pass.
(Joe) "Send the woman and Bauer to me." He's familiar with Jack's body of work, no? Or do they not have veins in their necks?
(Joe) C'mon Nadia, you sissy.
(Joe) According to that roster, you are the ranking officer here.
(Scott) That's the mistake of posting the roster in the dugout.
(Scott) Hi Doyle. How's your Flank 2?
(Joe) WE HAD A, UH flank two PROBLEM WITH THE COMMflankUNICATIOn SYSTEtwoM
(Scott) Really, they used to have a protocol for this, right?
(Joe) You don't even know how to pronounce my name.
(Scott) Where's the hobbit guy when you need him?
(Scott) So this is he airport thing again, but with Jack in the crowd and the kid in the airduct.
(Scott) Just need someone wearing a vest.
(Scott) Change the frequency on your cell phone, stat!
(Joe) I need you to walk me through field modifying a cell phone to blow up someone.
(Joe) Lame.
(Scott) Tom couldn't be happier.
(Joe) Yeah, I should have called it.
(Scott) Obviously. It was in the previews.
(Joe) Oh was it?
(Scott) Yeah
(Joe) So was the raid on CTU.
(Scott) Not previews. The previously on 24 segment, I mean.
(Joe) Ah, okay.
(Joe) Oooh, a sliding kill. Extra points.
(Scott) Two weeks left . . .

(Scott) Oh, right
(Scott) I keep forgetting.
(Joe) Stringer Bell is fighting zombies. Excellent. I hope he doesn't have to kiss anyone.
(Joe) "Melissa, it's Josh."
(Scott) This probably works out for the best. This Josh guy seems like a complete loser.
(Scott) A red pearl?
(Scott) 2:39
(Joe) 02:39
(Scott) Why are they walking in the water? There's a dry walking area right there.
(Scott) It's actually larger than the sewage filled trench.
(Joe) That's a really stupid look for a Chinese operative.
(Scott) Haven't had enough Chlorris? Here's some Midia for you.
(Scott) Whatever the hell that means.
(Scott) Heh, they got into cars. No one noticed cars?
(Joe) Must be a Chinese sleeper cell. Would explain the use of English amongst the strike team.
(Scott) So, the sewer line takes you right into CTU? They may need to look into moving.
(Scott) The call is coming from inside the house!
(Scott) CTU security is just the worst.
(Joe) A hiccup on the server causes the phone outage. No one seems bothered. What the hell kind of war on terrorism is this? I was going to sign up with Cisco for my company, but if the phones go down so frequently, I'll probably go with Lucent.
(Scott) Going to need a weapon . . .
(Joe) 'I'm going to need a weapon.' 'Great, yours'll do.'
(Scott) Seems like that assault rifle could come in handy.
(Joe) Note, If we see 'Now I have a machine gun' written on anyone....
(Scott) Or that one . . .
(Scott) Milo is a moron.
(Joe) That gun was borrowed from Battlestar Gallactica.
(Scott) A dead, dead moron.
(Joe) Milo.

(Joe) The one Jack gave them was fried or something, right? So they want the other one. I think a military-style assault with the eventual theft of the second subcircuit board is a forgivable offense.
(Scott) Oh, I thought they needed an override.
(Joe) Maybe. My brain is bleeding a little.
(Scott) Unless this chip makes people not Falun Gong, I don't see what the Chinese have to gain from this.
(Joe) Possibly because the only way I can watch this season is to repeatedly stike myself about the head and neck with a bottle.
(Scott) 2:28
(Scott) Chloe v. Morris again. USGS subnet. Deactivate it.
(Joe) Yeah, just have each Chinese person try to create a circuit. Chances are one of them will make what they're looking for.
(Scott) That's how they won that netflix contest.
(Joe) Morris, why don't you go arm some nuclear weapons? Crap, I did it again.
(Scott) Yeah, could you take two steps back there George Dickel?
(Scott) The Chief of Staff is briefing on a covert operation?
(Joe) (They're still 3% away. http://www.netflixprize.com/leaderboard)
(Scott) Is the White House chef securing the perimeter?
(Scott) Hey, a real van.
(Joe) Would probably do a better job. Also, how long until Wayne Palmer shows up doing insurance ads?
(Scott) Seriously, the Chief of Staff . . .
(Scott) That's the smash and dash.
(Scott) Or the break and stake.
(Joe) Ah-ha, the flank two kiss
(Scott) Heh
(Scott) The other guy in the van looks incredibly angry.
(Joe) Maybe I could loosen you up. Again. Just like an hour ago.
(Joe) Freshen up. Again.
(Scott) Freshen up?
(Joe) Walk out the door. Again.
(Scott) Really happy you came back. I mean, I was sleeping and all before.
(Scott) That was kind of nice seeing how it's after 2:00
(Joe) They just stole the dialogue from an entire Cinemax movie.
(Joe) No, they're on the East Coast.
(Joe) You've got to think four-dimensionally, Marty.
(Joe) 5AM. They should be checking for the Post outside the door.

(Joe) The Stray Cats.
(Scott) I don't think that was the Stray Cats.
(Scott) 2:13
(Joe) 2AM! Holy crap!
(Scott) That kid should be in bed by now.
(Joe) Shouldn't these people be asleep?
(Scott) His creepy looking mother is too lax.
(Joe) They've been locked at CTU for nine hours.
(Scott) And creepy . . .
(Scott) And wearing a ton of face paint for 2:13.
(Joe) "I wish I had never been born!
(Joe) "I need you to close your eyes and get some sleep. I'm due to be an integral part of a love triangle at 4AM."
(Scott) Chloe runs her mouth a lot.
(Joe) Until morning. aka., in an hour.
(Joe) I love you?
(Joe) Sheesh.
(Scott) How soon can you get here? Across town? About 5 minutes.
(Scott) Ha, the Russians are going to be fooled by this? Maybe when Yeltsin was running the show . . .
(Joe) A van across the street. Excellent.
(Scott) I bet it's a box truck.
(Joe) "I don't think the charges will stand up, given the extenuating circumstances."
(Joe) Me being a badass and all.
(Joe) The same box truck from the beginning of the season.
(Scott) Marilyn please, I'm trying to get into a good killing mood here.
(Joe) "I'd like to bring Josh by to see you..."
(Scott) The same box truck from last season's Ontario Airport.
(Joe) (Keep in mind, I've make a call on the kid's paternity.)
(Scott) You'd think they'd have more budget for vehicles.
(Scott) The Chinese Jack Bauer is tall.
(Scott) Little Ricky is going to bleed.
(Joe) 'These Japanese electronics are so cool. Totally makes up for the rape, slavery and destruction caused during the war.'
(Scott) Comfort fires.
(Scott) Sewer lines?
(Joe) 'Be careful, team, the Chinese invented fireworks...'
(Scott) If you see a guy on a chair full of fireworks, we need to move fast.
(Scott) A bomb?
(Joe) "This is an arsenal."
(Joe) Before you could lock down the perimeter, eh? Someone's a one-trick pony.
(Scott) The Chinese are planning to launch a major assault?
(Scott) On CTU? Geez . . .
(Joe) Military-grade C4. As opposed to the consumer-grade C4 you can buy at any mom-and-pop grocery.
(Scott) How does that make sense?

(Scott) Is this thing over yet?
(Scott) I've completely forgotten what happened last week.
(Scott) Popcorn is slightly burnt, so we're not off to a great start.
(Scott) Didn't have time to make the bison burgers that I have thawed out.
(Scott) Tomorrow on that.
(Scott) Incidentally, Bison burgers are very similar to hamburgers, but they're treated more humanely before being driven over the cliffs.
(Scott) 24 Season 6 - Episode 21
(Scott) The following takes place between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM
(Scott) So, previously . . . Jack's father, Jack's sister-in-law, need someone to do the override, Russians are going to bomb us.
(Scott) Audrey in a coma, Little Rickey releases Jack, CTU under martial law. We didn't start the fire . . .
(Scott) Etc, etc.
(Scott) Heller has left, but somehow has already put out a restraining order against Jack. He's good.
(Scott) Jack: I caused this mess, let me clean it up.
(Scott) Nadia (not a mole) doesn't cave.
(Scott) Generic CTU agents are getting edgy.
(Scott) Couldn't be happier to get out of the room.
(Scott) More nonsense between Chloe and Morris.
(Joe) The Russians will be upset if and only Chang makes it out of the country.
(Scott) This whole Russia story would seem like so much nonsense if it weren't already drowning in a sea of nonsense.
(Scott) Little Ricky is trying to get himself a girlfriend. He should show her how he can dance.
(Joe) Ah, the Chinese Jack Bauer.
(Joe) More likely the Chinese Tony Almeda.
(Scott) In case you get bored . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzDaNEJudAs