"The injury was caused by falling from his bed?"

The news is talking about fires? And weather? Where are the water-skiing squirrels or the hidden dangers of drinking poison?

Really, the local news just kills me. Tragedy porn mostly.

1:53

-Search to see if anyone is hiding under the tanker. That big flat service on top of the truck? No, no one would think of that.
-He needs to turn the cell phone on vibrate during covert operations.
-Creepy guy has found Chloe through the "binary."
-He machine coded a matrix . . . really. I believe this tops the binary thing.
-Karen is having pangs of doubt.
-Karen is as surprised as I am that Mike Novick isn't in on the conspiracy.
-Karen calls to top off Bill.
-"Tell her she used a machine coded matrix to find her." Chloe: "She said what? That doesn't make sense."
-Chloe stays.
-The first lady gets drunk.
-Jack is on the move.
-Great Britain is in on the conspiracry. They're trying to win back the East Coast aren't they?
-This is the worst disguise ever.
-But it worked.
-What Jack doesn't know is that the suitcase he carried on the plane is full of snakes.

"She's using a workaround I've never seen before."
"I machine-coded a matrix..." "YO, JUST CHILL." 'Sorry.'
"Mike, it's Karen Hayes. It's been a rough transition to Homeland."
"I don't even think there is a loop. The President is keeping his own counsel at the moment."
"That's unusual."
"About President Logan being... involved."
"Get Chloe out of there now."
"If they find you, you'll be arrested." Again.
Van Nuys = easy to break into. For the highest levels of security, choose Van Nuys Field.
Right. To look less like a hoodlum... put up your hood. And pick up a couple of suitcases.
[01:59:59] Damn.

"There are too many loose ends."
"No one ever does."
"Then this is not the room where you belong."
"Eighteen months ago when we started this."
"The situation with Martha is taken care of." 'She wasn't crossing her fingers when she said it -- I was looking!'
"What if she finds out the truth, again."
"Fair enough, you have done a remarkable job all day, Mr. President."
"You've earned our trust, and I'm sure you'll do whatever it takes to keep your wife in line."
"Audrey, where's Jack?"
"Your father could be alive."
"If there's a possibility..." STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP TALKING.
"What do you think I'm stupid?"
"He is dying and you are doing nothing."
(Shoot his little toe off or whatever. There's plenty you can do.)
"We have a problem." I've been tracking the helicopter and they're killing Audrey right now. Sorry. I should have told you earlier.
"Heller's daughter is somewhere in this building. Kill her."
"Audrey, it's Curtis. " I'm the new Tony.
"Secure him for transfer back to CTU." Maybe VPN him in the subnet.
"Jack, I tried to shoot him but I couldn't." The safety was on, you bastard.
"Curtis is in control of the situation."
"You're right, it is a chartered diplomatic flight."
"...State Department's firewall. " "Okay, whatever, Chloe."

1:40

-Cool, a new villain. The other ones this season have been a little boring.
-A global consortium? Military industrial complex, perhaps?
-Think about your kids?
-Martha will die.
-I think this is how the whole bay of pigs thing went down.
-Henderson awakens. Handcuffed to that thin pipe, he won't be able to get out from that.
-I can track this scenario by reading the binary. 0 = Henderson kills Audrey. 1 = Audrey kills Henderson. Since Tony was killed by Henderson in a similar situation, I'm going with 1.
-I need to get one of those telescopes.
-Helicopter on the way to kill Audrey.
-Audrey wants to kill Henderson. Pansy.
-I say she still kills Henderson.
-Hey, Curtis is here. CTU agents kill the terrorists and capture Henderson.
-Chartered diplomatic flight. It's security level 8 (scale of 1 to 20 though.
-Not even Edgar can get past the state department firewall . . . anymore (my new favorite joke).
-Jack hitches a ride on a tanker to get to the plane.

"The transfer of authority from CTU to Homeland is complete." See, we can do something right. Two hours early! Whoo!
"The military authority is handling it."
"Ma'am, we have a problem."
"And Sherry let her go."
"We need to focus on how we find Chloe now." (A second ago: 'Why are we following Jack?')
"All she needs is a laptop." The U.S. government is the least secure organization on Earth. Agents leave and they can still get in to whatever they want.
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY." I cannot repeat this enough.
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY."
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY."
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY."
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY."
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY."
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY."
"I CAN TRACE HER PHYSICAL LOCATION BY LOOKING AT THE BINARY." We have a winner. This is the greatest thing that has ever been uttered on 24.
"I want that man arrested!!"
"You need to stop."
"You have to stop asking questions."
"Dammit, that's the most important part of this."
"That would destroy our credibility -- all over the world." (Parallel universe. Has to be.)
"I know that what I did, what I allowed to happen was a terrible mistake. But it's DONE!"
"... for the country, Martha."
"I've forgiven many things, Charles. You've broken my heart... I hate you. But I will keep my mouth shut."
[1:35]

1:28

-Bierko has regained consciousness. We'll help him regain unconsciousness shortly.
-Final protocol shifts. And two hours ahead of schedule.
-Chloe has left the building.
-Sherrie has been taken in to custody. Whoa, watch how you hold that arm mister!
-This guy can trace Chloe's physical location by looking at the binary. 0 = Machu Piccu. 1 = Buchanan's house.
-CTU director for the remainder of the season catches on to the plot. I bet she's the director next season.
-More scenes with the president and the first lady.
-Wow, the president is really telling the plot to his wife? This man is not bright. How is it possible he became president. If you're this dumb, don't you need to at least be cunning?
-You've broken my heart President Fredo.

1:15

-The president is going to sell out his wife.
-Apparently Aaron has been taken care of (remember the stable and cell phone).
-Who is this guy?
-Glitch in the software.
-Sure, the president is in this room. Oldest trick in the book . . .
-In ten seconds, Chloe has found the handoff and the current location of the car.
-Audrey is going back to CTU.
-Jack is leaving Audrey with Henderson. How does he think this is a good idea? This makes the whole Nina affair look smart.

"You need to cancel the action against Henderson immediately." Cancelling his Discover card wouldn't have done much anyway.
"Don't use that tone with me." E over middle C.
"We have a bigger problem than Henderson. He can be trusted to act rationally. Your wife, however, ..." was crazy for the first episode, er, I mean this morning.
"You are in a very difficult position." Congress of the Cow.
"You must silence her." Talk to Chloe O'Brien at CTU.
"We work around the clock, ma'am." That's actually true. (Aaron was shot at earlier today -- it seems a little odd that he wouldn't get a smoke break.)
"I don't know anything about a meeting." (Which I would have checked in the scheduling software.)
"There's a glitch in the scheduling software." Crap!
"This is a sensitive issue."
"You need to talk to the President about that."
"Charles?"
(They killed the phone? Really?)
"There must have been some kind of a handoff."
"Jack, we're getting that recording and exposing Logan."
"... the civilian side of Van Nuys."
"Jack, if you don't get that recording, my father will have died for nothing." Well, when I see the footage, that was pretty damned cool.
"... logging all VPN cell traffic." (Sigh.)
When I hear, 'drove into the lake', I have a different opinion than seeing someone drive off a cliff. Just saying.
"I will."

I can't say this enough: Bill Bellichick and Keifer Sutherland should start a clothing line. A whole line of once-a-year suits and comfortable tactical genius wear.
"Jack, we have to get the recording back."
"Jack, I did what I thought was best for this country." By that I mean Marlboro Country. Cough.
"I made a mistake. Please, forgive me." Baby, I'm sorry. I bought you these flowers.
"It'll work for that phone only." Unnecessary Plot Point #1.
"I need you to get that screen working." 'Find an infomercial. The ladder thing or the colon thing.'
"I hope you don't mind me bossing you around, but technically I don't work for you anymore." Put this ball gag in your mouth and get in the bathtub.
"He would have destroyed it in front of me."
"What's the problem?" "Actually, I'm making sure there won't be any problems."
"You and I have been in this from the beginning."
"Chris, this is completely unecessary."
"I am a very cautious man."
Night driving without headlights. Wearing sunglasses too.
"It's over Christopher."
"There's always a contingency plan."
"If I can't contact them every fifteen minutes ON THE DOT"
Just shoot his knees out. Everyone you meet who has tried to kill you -- pop their knees out and make them eat it.
"... a DOD database."
"Jack, they have a laser sight trained on me."
"I will not allow Logan and Henderson to use me as a pawn."
"Tell Audrey I love her."
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
"Kill him Jack, do it."
... what did the knuckles say to the face?
[01:13AM]

24 -- Episode nineteen

The following takes place between 1:00 AM and 2:00 AM . . .

-Man these "Previously on 24" episodes are getting long . . .
-Jack stopped the bleeding in Audrey's brachial artery. Anyone else somewhat more aware of that artery than they used to be?
-Heller calls Jack. Apologizes about that whole punching in the face thing. Oh, and the betraying of trust.
-I'm telling you, Bill Buchanan is going to turn out to be a mole.
-Something about a VPN.
-Apparently, Chloe's laptop isn't good enough to control a satellite, but Buchanan's lame desktop is? Or is it that Buchanan's desktop is just linked into the satellites as a matter of routine?
-Audrey isn't going to live.
-The tape still exists. Henderson's not the idiot the president wishes he himself were.
-Walt Cumming's "suicide."
-Turn on the flashing lights Jack. I'm pretty sure it's illegal for him to not pull over if you do that.
-This is like a scene from police squad.
-Jack gets the drop on Henderson.
-Henderson threatens Heller's life with Audrey listening. He's clever.
-How did he not notice the helicopter? It has a friggin' spotlight trained on the car.
-Jack's going to let Heller die, isn't he. I mean, he shot that poor woman in the leg. What's he going to do with the man who punched him in the face?
-Toonces!!! Watch out for that curve!!!

Feature item on the news: Local man looks almost a little like a guy on American Idol.

Is this what it's coming to?

The local news is throwing around the word miracle a bit much. Was this a fortunate outcome to a bad situation? Yes. Will anyone get beatified for this? Likely, no.

12:52

-Jack get's the recording.
-The black helicopter arrives.
-Lots of shooting.
-Oh, a gas tanker. Even I know better than to take cover there.
-Henderson has Audrey.
-Says he's protecting the integrity of the government.
-Audrey's left brachial artery is cut. This is a new one.
-Not to worry Audrey, I've reprogrammed the chip in the recorder to self destruct. Wait, that's not right.
-And president Logan will still be on the show for a while longer. Alas.

Mark, come in. (Are the henchmen just pilots? Do cabinet members get Secret Service protection?)
"What did you do to my partner?" "Relax, he's fine."
"If you and I are going to get through this, we need to work together." "Okay, give me my gun." Actually, just run and draw their fire. No? Okay.
"I have her Jack. And don't make me kill her."
"The integrity of our government..."
"Christopher, you can make this right."
"I give you my word." Okay.
"I'll meet you halfway."
"Just walk out slowly or I'll kill you."
"Left brachial artery, Jack."
She's running out of time.
"Don't do it, Jack."
"Stay with me."
"You're giving me exactly what I want." And some of those presidential keychains. They grandkids love them.
"I'll let President Logan tell you."
"I have the recording."
"Thank you."
"I'm asking Secretary Heller to tender his resignation." And he tried to kill me.
"Where?"
"Who was on the phone. Who made that call."
"If any harm comes to my daughter..."
Stupid, stupid man.

By the way, Joe. While it won't get down to freezing temperatures tonight, you should consider bringing in your basil.

12:40

-Heller arrives. Mrs. Logan skulks.
-Oh, Aaron. It's not a good idea to trust the crazy first lady.
-More meetings outside of the stable.
-Heller refuses to shake the president's hand. Must be a scared of germs.
-Accusations fly.
-Debate over blood for oil ensues.
-Heller demands the resignation of the president and amnesty for Jack.
-Spy music for Chloe.
-Chloe can create a workaround to homeland security's access codes.
-Heh, Jack melts the plastic cuffs.
-I wonder if security people have to draw straws to figure out who guards Jack.

"Mrs. Logan."
"What is Secretary Heller doing here." I'm less crazy now, I swear. I'm just interested.
"I think it's about something else." Really. Less crazy.
"You can't... or you won't". ('it was the best of times, it was the blurst of times'? You stupid monkey.)
"I thought this was important." I'm staring you down, Mr. President.
"You'll have to be more specific." "You are responsible for the murder of David Palmer." Oh, that. Yeah, I totally did that.
"Where is this recording?" It's safe.
"You know exactly what you said and so do I."
"Until you sit im my chair..."
"Your chair is not a throne, Charles." Well, that one is. That's a LOT of rubies, Mr. President. But in general...
"This gridlocked government..."
"You think that justifies the blood on your hands?"
"What do you want?" "I want you to drop the trumped up charges on Jack Bauer. And leave my daughter alone." I also want some 'walking-around-money'. And I never want to pay taxes.
"The recording will remain under lock and key and this conversation will remain between us." Unless I find myself in a near-death experience in about fifteen minutes.
(Dun da da dun da dun dun da da.)
"I need to tap into their current protocols."
"I can create a workaround."
Beep bop boop. Where's Aaron?
Stupid extra. Definitely going to get it.
Melting off his skin to get free. Jack's back, baby.
[12:48]

12:30

-On the British broadcast, do they use the 24 hour clock?
-Do you think the rules don't apply, because you're smarter than the rest of us. Well, they do, and you're not. So that means that you're not smarter, so the rules don't still apply. Wait, no, that's not it. The rules apply, because you're so damn smart. No, I mean . . . damn!
-Lot of odd touching phobias in CTU.
-Chloe he's pretty slick.
-And CTU security is just so bad.
-If the analyst doesn't go a long with Chloe's conspiracy, Chloe will try to get her help for her problem? What kind of threat is that?
-Heller is making his power move.
-How long will it take to get there? Five minutes . . . of course.
-Black helicopter.
-The conspirators give no thought to the possibility of someone having duplicated the tape. Wait, why hasn't anyone duplicated the tape?

"You're working against us." I've heard that's 80% of your job description, but it's not in mine.
"Please come with us, Ms. O'Brien."
"jack Bauer is a very sensitive problem." A sensitive, sensitive, killing machine.
"I'll recall my team, sir." They would have been killed anyway.
"He's the President. He can do what he wants." Ever since the Republicans passed that bill after 9/11 he can execute people at will.
"CTU thinks they've got Bauer."
"These people brokered chemical weapons to terrorists. They killed an ex-President." They made a deal with the Commies. They deserve Steven-Segal-like justice with a Chuck Norris kicker.
"I've been on other things. I'll get back to you." (I took the kids to Sea World and I attended a SAG meeting.) "Thanks, Michael."
"What's up, Mike?"
"Bauer's more likely to cooperate with them rather than military police he doesn't know."
"It's the President's call. I can see it both ways."
"DOD Operations." "Put me through to General Warren, please."
"Can you give me an update on the search for Jack Bauer." "We've never received such a call." I tell you what, Mike, I want no part of finding Jack Bauer. My unit's down on personnel as it is.
"You should try to get some rest, Mr. President."
"What is it you want, Mike?"
"Karen Hayes at Homeland raised a few good points."
"I'm a little mystified by some things." Why do men have nipples, Mr. President?
"You told Homeland you wanted the military to pick up Jack Bauer..."
"May I ask who you did go through?" "I don't answer to you."
"Bauer presents special circumstances. The Chinese government may know he's still alive." Oh, watched old episodes, have you?
"You know what, Mike. I'm tired of being second guessed." I'm also tired of being, uh, guessed.
"That's the one recommendation of yours I intend to take. Thank you, Mike."
[12:25]

"You think the rules don't apply to you since you're smarter than the rest of us." Well, you're not. And your makeup makes you look like a whore. And I don't like you.
"You helped Audrey Raines escape." Stab her. Stab her.
"I know who I'm addressing. And I think you know what this is about." You can kiss my ass, Chuck.
"James Heller is on his way here."
"Heller's not stupid enough to carry it with him."
"You phone me the second you have the evidence in hand."
[12:36]

12:15
-Chloe is being excluded from all of the CTU reindeer games.
-They were shuffling protocols.
-The crazy analyst is a rat.
-Chloe set up a proprietary com channel. Not even Edgar can do that . . . anymore.
-Chloe is sent to holding. You know the way, don't you? Why don't you just take yourself to the holding room?
-I don't think that's going to hold Jack.
-Hey Mike Novick! He's been on break, I guess.
-How can it be that Mike is working for the good of the nation. This seems so unlikely . . . unless he's about to initiate a military coup.
-It seems for real though. Mike confronts the president. Really, when Mike confronts you about ethics, you're just a lousy human.
-"Mike, I don't answer to you." "Yes you do sir! I'm an American citizen, so you work for me!" Wait, that's a different Mike. Sorry.

"Is Bauer dead?" Oh, he's unkillable? Just do whatever you can.
"CTU will find Bauer. Let me know and I can intercept." CTU has never been able to keep Bauer, so I'd start thinking about Plan B.
"There's a reason she doesn't want to be followed."
"I told you to prioritize Bauer." 'B' comes before 'H' and 'R'. Do I have to think of everything?
"And those protocols aren't going to be enough to help..." I'll need to retask the DOD protocols.
"There's a way we can use her to find Bauer." Have her commit an act of terrorism and wait until Jack kills her.
"I need you to take him somewhere safe." The server room is probably okay.
"Where are you meeting Heller?"
"Yeah."
"Jack, my father landed -- where are you?"
"I'll be there in a few minutes." (9:06)
"Dun da dun da dun"
Cops. Oh, it's Bauer.
"What the hell are you doing here? He's a fugitive." (9:07)
"Privately. Inside the building. Please." (He's going to get punked.)
"Mr. Secretary, I promise you, this will stand up under scrutiny."
"You're the only one I can trust." Yeah, he's going to get screwed. So screwed.
"I'm going to go dark until the Attorney General comes forward."
Hey, Jack. What did the five fingers say to the face.
"You're playing a dangerous game, Jack."
"You can't make a deal with him. You can't trust him."

(Commercial.)

"That's what the briefing was about. They sent a Tac-team ten minutes ago."
"She's good. She set up a proprietary com-channel."
"Van Nuys Airport"

24 -- Episode eighteen

The following takes place between 12:00 AM and 1:00 AM . . .

-LA still under martial law. The president still has a blinded by the headlights look.
-The terrorist brings the president deeper into the plot.
-President: "Where are we, Mrs Hayes?" "We're working on that, sir."
-Chloe is a suspect again. Maybe we should put her in the interrogation room . . . again. No wait, we'll monitor her communication . . . again.
-Disgruntled Bill Buchanan meets with Jack. Have I mentioned I suspect him as a mole.
-Jack is on the way to the airport. With no traffic in LA, he should be there last week.
-Glorious fanfare as the Secretary of Defence lands.
-Heller is going to be killed, isn't he?
-Audrey: "Everything is going to be ok now." Oh, Audrey . . .
-Wow, everybody's getting the jump on Bauer this season.
-So, the bodyguard has the tape and also will take Bauer into custody?

Logan = Moronic and evil.
Bank presidents. Can't they let one uninvolved bit player go back to his family unharmed?

11:55

-It seems unsecure to just have computer terminals in the hallways.
-Chloe is corrupting the feed from the server. Why doesn't any one watch her? He performan evaluations must be abyssmal.
-The bank president is definitely dead.
-Beat cops < terrorists with automatic weapons < Bauer.
-Now the military is involved.
-Jack steals a police car.
-And, not unpredictably, the bank manager is dead. Jack is completely unbothered.

"Sometimes you lose, House." "What is that, like a dare?"
Ah, where is she? The server room.
Vector 17 Satlink Feed Corruption
"Tracing the corruption. The server."
"O'Brien's gone."
Again, the music has been interesting.
He has a good feel for the layout of a building he's never been in.
"Tell your men to move in immediately."
"How's he doing?" "He's dead!"
"We're talking about taking down the President of the United States." (Thank. Goodness.)
Christ. It's either: Victory Stadium or Smith Mountain Lake with these people.

"I'll get back to you."
"I watched you with the press." Cue the Levitra ad.
"I was so selfish today."
"I do. I accept your apology." (How dare you make me have to order your death.)
Well, then take care of it.
"When what's done."
"That was Jamie." She likes to call me at midnight to tell me about the radio ad.
"She's heading north toward Mulholland."
Batty von Nutzenhousen was assigned to log satellite activity.
The music has been interesting this episode.
"All points are covered."
"The instant that Bauer steps outside that bank building you take him down." Downtown to Chinatown.
"I'd like to help if I can." (Certain death for this guy.)
"They came here to kill us."
"Let's get ready."

11:43

-Morrie thinks the president's address went well. He liked it so much he invited him back up for another weekend.
-The president makes time with the crazy first lady. Accepts he apology like a pro.
-Evelyn gave up Jack in about two minutes. Now she can be dropped from the script.
-I can run up these steps in under two seconds!
-Somehow they found Audrey. They also picked the lottery numbers for 20 states and the super bowl winners for the next 15 years (sorry Seahawks fans).
-Crazy CTU analyst re-enters the script
-Someone took over a satellite with a class 1 priority overrider.
-Jack and Wayne get the incriminating evidence while the terrorists wait outside.
-What kind of telescope is it that Jack uses?
-The bank president thinks they should turn themselves in. Jack and Wayne have a good laugh.
-Using the police as a diversion in a firefight.

11:32 (?)

-The president gives a triumphant speech. Everything is ok. Nothing to fear . . . etc.
-Aaron calls Jack. They're almost certain to track that somehow.
-CTU finds out they've lost Audrey, so they're going to use a satellite to track her. How's that supposed to work? That's like the ultimate "Where's Waldo?"
-Jack and Wayne are breaking into the bank. Jack enters the code. Wayne and the bank president have a moment. Jack could not be more disappointed in Wayne.
-Oh, Evelyn . . .

"My fellow Americans, it is with great relief..."
"Charles. He stopped the terrorists, the treaty was signed.... I should have trusted him."
"I'm just a little battle-worn." And sick of working for your husband.
"We have to go the rest of the way on foot."
"I'll be right back."
"Aaron, it's Jack." I know. I called you.
"No, but that makes sense."
"Logan is the only one who can call them off."
"Take cover -- go!" Let's fall on a hill.
"She's got no field experience."
"Take us around the back. Stay away from the windows." (?)
"Write the code down for me."
"I know you."
"You're David Palmer's brother."
"I deserve to know what the hell is going on."
"Is that why you two are here?"
"They're going to try again the very first time they can."
"Ms. Martin, you're in shock."
How did I raise such a stupid, stupid daughter. Now you're going to get mommy killed.

The previews for this Unanimous show just looks terrible. Who would ever watch that?

11:16

-Despite being in a moving car, Jack and Wayne are whispering.
-Wayne: "We don't need a gun do we Jack?" Seriously, did you watch the first four seasons Wayne?
-The house has a magnetic alarm. Not sure what that means.
-Jack is definitely slipping.
-Anyone else a little nervous when Wayne carries a gun.
-Jack doesn't bother to coerce, just points the gun at the guy's wife.
-Audrey calls her father. "Dad I need you to stay calm, but there's snakes on your plane!"
-Audrey is talking to Chloe over the old VPN. Is that really a phone thing? I'm fairly certain that's something else.
-Audrey removes the transponder and dooms the trucker guy to a violent death.
-Honest guy learns of the warrent for Bauer. I predict he will be the guy to give the president his comeuppance.
-The vice president is suddenly the good guy. I suspect there was a script change somewhere.
-What happened to Mike Novick?
-Evelyn is down. The daughter is going to sell out Jack.

Do we really need another mission impossible? I'd say no. I hear the villian is a psychiatrist this time.

11PM and 12AM. Curfews aplenty.
"Which bank?"
"I wanna go home."
"Wayne, can you get us a room?"
"Keep pressure on the wound, I'll be right back."
"Audrey, it's Jack."
"Logan, are you sure?"
"Are you saying that President Logan had Palmer assasinated?" That's like saying President Kennedy was done in by a pair of wisecracking chipmunks.
"Upload every military checkpoint to my PDA so we can navigate around them." Also send some gay pornography to the military PDAs.
"Hey, let's get inside now."
"Let me see."
"It's going to hurt." By the way, you've got a hole in you.
"Sweetheart, you can see your mom now."
"So he got away." The greatest hero of all time was armed with a high-powered sniper rifle. Sorry, President Logan.
"Are you any closer to finding where she's hiding it."
"This whole thing was planned to make our country safer. Stronger." More middling.
"No, *you* have to focus on it."
"We knew this wouldn't be a seamless transition."
"Do you really believe under these circumstances that we would have done any better?" We could have generated way more paperwork.
"Yes, Mr. President."
"Karen, I'm issuing an executive order." I can do that can't I?
"I want you to make this CTUs top priority." No more fighting terrorists.
"I will forward it to you at the appropriate time."
"Put out an alert on Jack Bauer." Yes, I know how futile those things turn out to be.
"Direct order from the President."
"VPN pathway. Takes about an hour to crack." Maybe 45 minutes if Edgar was still alive.
"Audrey, it's a warrant for Jack's arrest." Seriously. Stop laughing.
"All you have to do is check the logs." Ah, yes. The logs. I can't count how many times Chloe has added/edited/deleted things from any number of logs. But yeah, Chloe, I'll check the logs.
"Who ordered this Karen?"
"You have a legal obligation to tell me if Jack contacts you."
"Have a good night."
"Valerie. Audrey's on her way."

---

"If you're uncomfortable with that you should stay here."
"I found a magnetic alarm." Ah. the de-magnetic alarmifier.
"Did you hear something?"
"Carl?"
"Be right back."
"Just stay calm and everything will be fine."
"I can't"
"Every bank has procedures to allow access in emergencies."
"I want four of your neckties." No, not that one! I have blue eyes. BLUE eyes, jackass. Why would you pick green? I should shoot you in the kneecap.

---

Who teaches these kids to dial 911? And what a horrible, horrible child. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

24 -- Episode seventeen (?)

The following takes place between 11:00 PM and 12:00 AM . . .

-Martial law in LA. Everyone seems to be volutarily obeying.
-Something about a safety deposit box.
-Pull into a motel 8. Apparently they didn't pay enough in product placement fees to get the whole sign in the shot.
-Logan isn't just horribly boring, but also corrupt.
-Upload every military checkpoint to Jack's PDA. Are we really that organized.
-Hey, they're bringing back Secretary of Defense Heller.
-Eveyln isn't doing so well, however it appears they will be dropping that plot point. Maybe the Frasier lady will stop by.
-The President wasn't acting about that whole incompetence thing.
-New CTU head has doubts, that's a first.
-The president has issued an executive order to arrest Bauer. Generic security forces will be hurt.
-Chloe will use VPN pathways to mask Audrey's calls. Takes an hour to crack. Seriously, exactly sixty minutes.
-Audrey is leaving CTU. I give 50/50 odds that she doesn't make it to next season.

Ok, Joe. I took 1 can of Garbanzo beans (chickpeas), two tablespoons of tahini, a little bit of water, about a quarter cup of lemon juice, a bit of olive oil, a couple of cloves of garlic, and a little salt. Put it in a blender, and blended it slowly. I forgot to put in the cayenne, and it's a little thinner than last time, but it's not too bad. I think I'll try to add a few other things next time. I'll let you know.

Apple Mail 2.0.7
... is just the worst. If it were a person, I would not stop punching them. Okay, I understand that Apple is no longer the cult of Black Turtlenecks and shiny plastic and metal saturnalia, but for Christ's sake, just get rid of the rounded buttons in the toolbar. I've taken an informal poll and no one in the entire world (except for three people in Cupertino) would ever consider using Mail as long as those hideous icons (and the sinister rounded spawn behind them) continue leeching their terrorist-sympathizing anti-American poison on our screeens.

There are some solutions, however. Previous versions (not 2.0.7) could be fixed with the excellent and freely downloadable Cage Fighter (I'm sure PayPal donations would be gratefully accepted. No kickbacks -- I'm just a happy user.)

In the iterim, I've just taken to opening up the Package Contents of Mail.app (YMMV, be careful, etc.) and deleting every image I find reprehensible. Well, after making a backup of Mail and just moving the images elsewhere. I plan on printing each of the horrible, horrible icons onto individual sheets of paper, setting them on fire, feeding the ashes to a cow, killing the cow and proceed to make hamburgers which I will feed to Amazonian pirhana whose life journeys I will follow until they die, then encase them one by one in blocks of concrete which I will drop in either A) The Marianas Trench or B) An active volcano. After doing this, I may dedicate my life to initiating violence among countries with nuclear weapons and the eventual demise of the world's population, ensuring that humanity will be spared from any future versions of Apple Mail with those freakin' buttons.

"You've got your daughter back. Now tell me what I need to know."
"Is it the Vice-President?"
There. Is. No. Way. That. Guy. Is. A. Mastermind. Of. Any. Sort.

10:52

-Jack uses the terrorist's body as a silencer.
-Words escape me.
-Pull the trigger Wayne.
-"I killed him didn't I Jack? Did you see it?" "Yeah, kid you killed him good."
-Hmmm, that doesn't sound like the same voice. But I'm sure it's fine.
-Evelyn gets her daughter. And mayhem commences.
-And, as predicted, Evelyn's been hit. Dying confession to commence . . .
-Not the vice-president
-And the president is in league with the terrorists somehow. Notice the lack of exposition.

Dun ta dun ta dun dun dun. It's like they ripped off Beverly Hills Cop 2 for this music.
Twap twap. Plop.
He' going to choke. Pull a Thurman Thomas. A 2004 Yankees. A Derek Jeter.
Okay. What, they don't teach people to aim for the head in the Marines?
"I think I hear a car. Single occupant." Nope, I hear Jack Bauer. Crap.
Do not shoot to kill. Repeat, do not shoot to kill. Farmhouse now, repeat farmhouse now.
Smart. Very smart. I'll need to remember the car doors thing.
Of couuuurse Evelyn's been hit.

10:42?

-Meeting in an apparently unabandoned barn.
-Evelyn, meet Jack. He will hurt you if you don't talk.
-Sending the satellite image to your PDA.
-Chloe will download real time images to Jack.
-Wayne was a marine. But he never saw combat. Not like his former commando brother. Former commando, ex-president brother. Former commando, ex-president brother, who was also quite tall.
-More scenes with the president. He should just walk around saying that he's a lightweight. It's really only a small step further from the typical exposition.
-Evelyn will be critically injured, but give Jack the information he needs in her dying breath. And Oral Roberts will beat Memphis.
-Wayne draws his weapon.

10:29

-Evelyn is off to die.
-Vice President: Wayne, I didn't expect to see you. I thought the hit squad was more competent than that.
-I'd love to meet the president, but I have a flight to catch. And he's an incredible bore.
-The Vice President saw the bandage on Wayne's hand. Whatever that means.
-Audrey admits to selling out Buchanan. This is like one of those reality show, right?
-Evelyn exposits . . .
-Lot of driving.
-Somehow Wayne is patching Jack through to Evelyn's cell phone. I don't know . . .
-A hallmark moment between Evelyn and daughter.
-Buchanan seems bitter. Remember, he's a mole.
-Jack needs a satellite retasked. Turn's out the UCLA game has been blacked out.

"A backflash protocol." "Let's make this transition as smooth as possible. I probably shouldn't have let the Hitler Youth march in like that. My bad, everyone. My bad."
"I passed an old barn." I'm over the whole 'people trying to kill me' thing. They're probably gone.
"I couldn't more strongly disagree with this statement." Especially the part that says that Jack is, and I quote, 'not a rippling adonis'.
The taint of CTU's mismanagement? I'd rather have Rudy back. This guy is making me want to change the channel.
I'm going to need you to retask the satellites again. Covertly, of course. You should be used to this.
What? Oh, Audrey.
"One thing in return. That Chloe be kept on and assigned to me." And that you ignore my meetings in the server room.
"I'll set the girl on fire."
"Wayne! (Uh, holy crap.) This is a surprise."
"His loss -- to all of us -- can't be expressed in words." I did, however, choreograph a kabuki presentation in two parts. I will play the forlorn maiden.
"Audrey would never sign anything like that."
"That effectively kills any chance we have of recinding the order." "I'm sorry." Frankly, Bill, someone else is going to want to try to take your job in another couple hours. Your 401k and company car package were just too good.
"I have your brother's blood on my hands and for that I must atone. I must cleanse myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka."
"Evelyn if you're lying to me, it is your daughter that will suffer."
"Please, let me talk to Amy." "Oh Amy, is that her name. I've been calling her Lewis."
Forty. Six. Fifteen. Tarpin?
"Here's the address. We need a full satellite sweep."
"I'm going to need an explanation." 'I'm not one to perform random, arguably computer-related tasks without knowing the purpose."
"I already told them, I won't give up any information until I have my daughter." What if I cut off your fingers? Oh, okay, whatever.
"Sending the image to your PDA. I'm counting ten."
"I was a Marine, Jack." "Frankly Wayne, that was in an off-Broadway production of 'Guys and Guys'.
"Were you aware that Wayne Palmer was on the premises."
"A service med..." "That explains it." Christ, this guy.
"Right now I am your last chance. We are going to get her back." 'Your daughter must pay for cooperating with the terrorists.'
"I'm refreshing your screen. You can also hit Shift-F5."
Ah, caught up.

10:16

-That's Chloe O'Brien. That's Jim Hill. She's an analyst. He's a bureaucrat. Today they're going to face off on Press Your Luck!
-Jack is clearly upset that Wayne hasn't beat the name out of Evelyn.
-Service Road 19. Jack's going to be there in 20 minutes. It must be in central Oregon.
-20 minutes of no killing, presumably.
-Audrey refuses to play the blame game. Heckuva a job Buchananie!
-Audrey stands up for Bill Buchanan.
-Jack lays down some exposition from out in the field.
-Audrey reciprocates with exposition from inside CTU.
-And Jack with some follow up exposition.
-And more exposition. At this rate, I could have gotten through Absalom, Absalom in the time it takes Jack to get to Service Road 19.
-The axiom "always keep an eye on Chloe" is the bad guy equivalent of "don't let anyone in the server room."

Okay, back to 24. Previously...
"Very simple: We're going to release a certain substance in your pipelines." Wow. They totally did that on purpose.

"What are we getting from the air monitors?" "Well below danger levels."
"Jack's okay. Get a medical team over here now!"
"I need him conscious!" We need to build a cybornetic exoskeleton over his burned and charred body.
Sure they foiled the plot, but CTU has been responsible for "one misstep after another..."
"How he allowed CTU to be compromised..."
"Henderson is still at large."
Ah, the Cobra strike team.
Okay, Mr. Palmer, even I didn't think you could fit in the wheel well.
"She and David were trading emails." All I can find are messages comparing husbands to used cars and cute pictures of bunnies.
"I have to get home." "This won't take but a second." "I traced the IP ACCOUNT." Ah, yes, the IP account.
"They'll kill my baby!" Great, a plot arc with a side character.
"I'll give you the evidence that I have if you get me back my daughter." Well, it's new. If her daughter doesn't try to assume command of CTU, I'm fine with it.

Bill Simmons: "I'm down with that one. it's time for Amanda to hand over the reins now that she's going to be in the Sorkin show."
This is the greatest episode of all time! They ripped out his God-damned teeth for Christ's sakes. His teeth!

24 -- Episode sixteen (?)

The following takes place between 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM . . .

-Ok, so Jack is fighting a terrorist admist a fiery, nerve-gas-laced natural gas farm.
-Cyntox was incinerated in the blast. Averting an attack which would have almost certainly been futile.
-Jack carries the terrorist out of the fire. There's some movie reference here that I'm missing.
-The terrorist is being carried back to CTU. I bet he's not going to make it.
-Jack's scared? Are we being attacked by a taser-wielding godzilla?
-Buchanan's a mole. You heard it here first. Also, Montana will upset Nevada.
-The keystone terrorist account for their incompetence.
-Wayne is all tuckered out from a hard day. He rarely stays up this late.
-The first lady will die before the season is out. You heard it here first. Also Texas A&M will upset Syracuse.
-The terrorist have the Evelyn's daughter, another recurring plot point. Remember the prison guard from last season?