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Registered since July 31, 2006, incidentally.

-It's is just going to turn out bad for this woman.
-Why did it end with your girlfriend. Well, there's that America's Most Wanted thing . . .
-She asks for a favor, and . . . Oh dear . . .
-The governor warns sara about the gay secret service guy.
-They have those posters everywhere.
-My name is H.I. Mcdonough. You can call me Hi.
-Jeanette is ordering them out.
-The police officer arrives. I wonder if they'll continue the porn motif.

Heh, tonight on the local news, two theives slam their truck into a convenience store. Find out what they couldn't take at 11. If I know my local TV station, they couldn't get the ATM.

The local news is just terrible.

-C-note and Sucre horn in on the deal. Where did the kid go? I missed that.
-Women are incredibly gulible on this show. Where's Chloe when you need a little gender equality.
-Ok, the kid is with them. I should pay more attention.
-T-bag to watch the gullible woman. That's not going to turn out well.
-Kathy Bates?
-Ah geez, an ice pick.
-"Whiskey always makes me irascible." "I don't know what that means." Heh.
-EuropeanGoldFinch.net? Really? Heh, that's odd check it out.
-Billy and his mom. This is just like Harvey Keitel in Smoke. Except it's going to turn out more violent.
-Mahone (whose name I've spelled at least five different ways) is smarter than your average deputy.

-I learned about electricity stealing copper to pay for your schooling.
-Fancy sprinkler system.
-Not sure why they're mad at the kid. What else was he supposed to do?
-Heh, is your electricity out? Yeah, and it's getting hot in here. Want to come in to cool me off?
-He's going to come over to fix the problem double-quick, double time.
-He's ready to turn her juice on? Ok, they're not being subtle anymore.
-FBI agent is doing middle school math to track DB Cooper.
-Sir, we have several reports of a missing cat. We have some found cats too. Do you want to know about those as well?
-Do you want me to repair your electricity Mrs. Robinson?

-They have what is easily the most suspicious car ever.
-And they're trusting the rat.
-My prediction: T-bag kills the kid before the season is out.
-Fernando Hoffman is on the move.
-A couple of more coincidental meetings, and we're going to have ourselves a Dickens novel.
-FBI isn't concerned about a chocolate covered Haywire.
-Schofield's plans seem to rely way heavily on oragami and chance.
-Secret service guy/gay friend to sara is on the outs with the president.
-In yet another bizarre coincidence, the governor runs into his daughter's gay friend.
-Zed comes looking for Woody. The rat lays down a little shovel revenge.
-Hmm, my cable signal is getting a little weak.

Prison Break: Season 2, Episode 6(?)

-Holy crap, they still haven't caught the crazy guy on the bike.
-Incidentally, this music was once featured on Tiki Bar TV.
-The helmet was an excellent idea.
-Ugh. This easily one of the worst things I've seen. And there are the obligitory teens who will be slain/abducted.
-Urban sprawl.
-And Schofield finally snaps.
-I suspect that T-bag is lying.
-Mahone is at the FBI headquarters in Salt Lake City in 24 time.
-Michael Sherlock Schofield is measuring tree heights.
-A screw driver to her temple. Isn't that a shirley temple with vodka?

I'm going to give Prison Break another shot tonight. It's definitely not as easy as 24 (I mean Jack Bauer hijacked a plain from the cargo hold!), but given last week's previews, they may be heading down the same path. Apparently tonight, they will dig for money underneath someone's house by posing as workers from the electric company. If one of them kicks a heroin addiction in three hours, then I think we may something to work with. We'll see how it goes . . .

I vote a lot. Whether it's in general elections, local elections, Republican primaries, or Democratic primaries, I get at least a couple of free stickers every year. From voting in the primaries of both major parties, I tend to get a lot of campaign literature sent to me each election. So, I thought it would be interesting to review what I get from each candidate to see what message they want to get across to a likely voter in Southwest Virginia.

It's still relatively early yet, so my mailbox has been nearly empty thus far. A couple of weeks ago, I did receive one mailing from the Allen campaign that's worth discussing. It's an 8.5 x 11 document (too big to be a brochure, really) that folds out into two sheets.

On page one (of four), we have a nice, large picture of George Allen standing a podium smiling, with his admiring wife looking on. Above the picture is the URL to Allen's campaign site (www.GeorgeAllen.com), below it is the theme for this mailing: turns out George Allen is consistent, conservative, and has common sense. Interestingly, throughout the mailer, Allen is referred to as "Our Senator George Allen." Not sure what they're going for with that one (I keep thinking Our Gang).

On page two, next to a picture of what I assume is the Allen family on vacation at the lake (someone needs to show his son how to tuck in a shirt tail and use the buttons on that shirt), is a brief note from the Senator explaining the "three C's of governing: be Consistent, uphold our Conservative values, and make Common sense decisions to improve our quality of life." Not sure who the "our" refers to who will have their quality of life improved, but it is next to the Allen family posing in front of a lake front property.

Page three is more of the same, but prosier. Basically, he breaks down the whole 3C thing a little further. In a nutshell . . .

• Consistent: Low taxes, no gay marriage, support the troops (except the gays, of course).


• Conservative: Small government, low taxes, line item veto for the president (ack!), cut waste and what not. Also, Allen wants to force Congress to pass appropriation bills on time "otherwise their paychecks will be withheld until Congress does its job." Yeah that will do the trick. Congress is generally a pretty poverty stricken group, living from paycheck-to-paycheck. If their paychecks are withheld while they're trying to get in an earmark for industry for which they'll be working as a lobbyist in a couple of years, they may have to sell the family lake house just to make ends meet.


• Common sense: This is pretty much limited to small class size and no more parole. If the no parole thing were extended to minors, I suppose one could lead to the other.

At the bottom of the page we have a few more pictures: Our Senator George Allen with his wife, Allen staring at a computer with a black child, a young, awkward looking Allen standing with the ever popular Ronald Reagan, and the Allen speaking with a soldier who may very well be picking his nose (at first glance it looked like the soldier was subtlety flipping him off, so it could be worse . . . ).

And finally, on page 4, they bring it all home with a checkbox list (all checked) of things that you should look for in a Senator. Pretty much the Republican grocery list: War on terror, no illegal immigration, gun rights, no gay marriage, judges shouldn't invent laws. And our final picture is of George Allen doing his best impression of a constipated Mr. McGoo (you'd have to see it).

Do you like what you see? If so, there's a form that you can send back in (on your own stamp!) to let Our Senator George Allen know how you'll support him. Here are your options:

• Put a sign in your yard.


• Place a sticker on your car.


• Distribute literature (T.S. Eliot, most likely).


• Make phone calls.


• Volunteer at a campaign office.


• Host an event.


• Walk in a parade (preferably by drawing a face on your belly and wearing a hat mask on your head -- the kids love that kind of thing).


• Contact your neighbors (bring along copies of The Watchtower while you're at it -- the neighbors love that kind of thing).

And that's pretty much it. To sum up, the message from Allen is . . .

• Check out my Web site.


• I'm married! And not to some guy either . . .


• I'm consistent (except that whole calling that guy Macaca).


• I'm conservative.


• I use common sense (again, excluding the whole Macaca thing).


• The three things I am all start with the same letter. That's cool, huh?


• Look at me! I'm touching a black kid!


• Have you seen my family? Here we are at the lake.


• Reagan likes me better.

Assuming I get more mailings, I'll discuss them here. Jim Webb is running a pretty low-rent campaign, so I'm not expecting much from him. So far, the score is:

Our Senator George Allen: 1
Jim Webb: 0

Madden Prediction: Bengals over Pittsburgh, 37-24

Some guy's Google search history.

SNL to Streamline: Sanz, Fey Departing

In a move encouraged by this writer, SNL has indeed separated the Kurds from the whey in saying goodbye to Kurdish comedians Horatio Sanz, Rachel Dratch, Finesse Mitchell, Chris Parnell, Tina Fey and possibly Tracy Morgan who may have left years ago. (On a side note, hey Jimmy Fallon, how's your movie career going? I loved you and Queen Latifah in 'Taxi'.)

The returning players, in ascending likelihood of annoying me:
Amy Poehler
Bill Hader
Andy Samberg
Darell Hammond
Seth Myers
Maya Rudolph
Keenan Thompson
Jason Sudekis
Kristen Wiig (Never do the Target sketch nor play dowdy midwesterners and we'll have no problems.)
Will Forte (Never, ever show off your vocal range, which is impressive and grating.)
Fred Armisen (Never appear on the show and we'll have no problems. Otherwise, only appear in skits that are funny.)

My updated SNL Dream Team:
Amy Poehler
Bill Hader
Andy Samberg
Michael Ian Black
Finesse Mitchell
Seth Myers
Maya Rudolph
Tim Kang
Wayne Brady
Thomas Lennon

Update: Joey Porter

Was that a transition or was that supposed to be important?
God-damned housing developments. Although you'd think that it would be found if Baggy is telling the truth.

Joey Porter is awesome.

-Hmm, I hope coin purse is actualy a reference to purse in which a person normally keep coins.
-After the whole coin purse thing, I don't think I'd want to be in that trunk.
-That lady isn't much of a sales person. "Probably out of your price range"?
-Fernando is definitely heading back to the church.
-The FBI guy happens to know about the DB Cooper/Westmoreland stuff?
-I swear this is just like "Mad, Mad, Mad World" . . .
-Not sure I'd trust t-bag in the back seat.
-If this works like 24, the FBI guy (Maholm?) should be in Utah by the end of the episode.
-Damn urban sprawl . . .
-My prediction: the money is on another property and T-bag led them to the wrong place.

The new Robin Williams movie looks terrible. Just terrible . . .

-The rat has wandered into a pulp fiction moment.
-Another average looking white guy. Another con!
-Should have just given him the shovel.
-If they had just held them in the back of a monkeyshit brown sedan, the never would have broken out of jail.
-The guy whose name I got wrong (cell mate) is going to have a violent Graduate-like ending . . . but without the bus.
-Random gay guy, sure I'll open right up to you.
-Schofield should havefound some other animal. Maybe a monkey, or a bear . . .
-The line has been out of service for 17 years? How is that information available?
-The FBI is junky too. Nice. Don't forget to pay your supplier though.
-Of course T-bag has the map. And of course, he's eating it . . .

1. It's not like the movies, Michael. You have to really kick the crap out of people or be something more akin to Mike Tyson and less like the placekicker on 'The Replacements'. (A.k.a., the ne'er-do-well roommate in 'Notting Hill'.)
2. Ah, crap. Shooty McSecretService has the phone number.
3. See, he can knock out a guy.
4. I got your pills. 1500mg every thirty days.
5. Ah, crap. You've got to search these people.

-T-bag says the kid has the map. I say the kid isn't that smart.
-The governor wants to be Vice President. Apparently more in the Mondale mode, not the Cheney vein.
-And the CIA guy is making his ins . . .
-Ok, so I was wrong about the army guy's wife. That's some random gullible person.
-And he's makin a break for it. Does "you can't go in there" ever work to keep a fugitive from going in there?
-The FBI guy is catching on to the general direction.
-T-bag in the trunk.
-I'm pretty sure they've used this set for every small town.
-Hunters, they're an inquisitive bunch.
-That guy's awfully suspicions, buying a normal sized shovel. And he's a white guy with an average build. He's one of them!

-This girl is incredibly not smart. This will not work out well for her.
-He stole a baseball card? That can't be right.
-Ok, she's leaving. She's only have dumb.
-Way too many scenes to cover here. Basically everyone is converging in Utah.
-The Feds are looking at a hard drive. "We were able to restore the sectors on half the boot". Not even Edgar can do that . . . anymore.
-No Double K ranch.
-So this guy hears that the cops know he's stolen this car, and immediately he stops in the middle of nowhere? That may not make sense . . .
-Yeah, that's the only places you're prints will be.
-More CIA scenes. I'm pretty sure you can't speak conversationally between cars like that without the occasional "what?" or "who's mother is a duck?"
-Earn your forgiveness . . .
-The CIA guy is hitting on Sara. He's going to make her a pie of her choice. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, wait she turned him down. That's good. I won't have to learn to bake.
-Oh, he's pretending to be gay. Hmm, that seemed to work . . .
-Who is the FBI guy? He reminds me of a comedian I've seen.
-T-bag and the rat are going to team up whether the rat likes it or not.
-And Hector is riding a motorcyce toward Salt Lake City. This series is turning from a dark stuggle for hope into "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World."
-Karl Kotisig on plot 1213. Meanwhile, someone is on to them.
-Aha, no map . . .

I was thinking to myself how much I disliked the Audrey Hepburn commercial, then they show the Olive Garden people again. These people are just terrible. I would chop off my own arm and a couple of toes before eating with them.

Episode something another of Season Two of Prison Break

-Just East of Salt Lake City heading toward money. There's really no reason to go to Salt Lake City except for money.
-The old thrown away ticket stub trick. Works every time.
-This guy's wife is amazingly gullible.
-The rat and the girl with poor judgement having a moment. And there's a cop at the door.
-And the cop shows her the rat's picture. My money says she doesn't say anything. Rat's are somewhat smarter . . .

Ok, I'm going to give Prison Break another shot tonight. I've watched a few more episodes so between that and Ary's cheat sheet from last week, I should know more names this week.

And we're off . . .

1. He rode in the passenger seat for most of the trip there, so I hope he wiped down everything.
2. Ooh, 60% of the hard disk buffer, which I'm pretty sure goes away after the machine is turned off. I'm definitely sure it goes away after sitting at the bottom of a river.
3. "Sure, I don't see any reason why my sweaty, inmate-looking brother can't go through the security check... I'm in college. Look at my cap."
4. "What the hell'd you do to yaw haand?"
5. No TiVo, but I'd hope that military URL is close to real.
6. "His name's Grandpa." Hilarious. I like how he refuses to rip hands off or otherwise resort to fisticuffs.

And that's it. Russert closes with a mention of the Buffalo Bills. Kind of a failure of both campaigns that no one gave him a football or a jersey.

No mention of gay marriage, flag burning, or tax cuts. But Republicans should still be happy. There were plenty of references to prominent Republicans (and not the pinko early Republicans either). I'll check through the transcript, but I'm certain that no mention was made of a Democrat of any sort. I guess that's the way the Webb campaign wants it. In anycase, I think Webb looked good. With the exception of the issue of women in combat and Tailhook, he was pretty strong on all of the topics discussed. He only looked awkward when he tried to insert the scripted comments about his son and Allen's lack of military service.

As for Allen, he talked a lot, but it was mostly in an effort to not answer the questions. Maybe a good strategy given the topics. It's hard to run on the success of the Iraq war.

And now we're on to the dumb things George Allen says. This could take awhile . . .

-And we start with Macaca.
-Allen comes out admitting a mistake and saying that he apologizes. That really is the best way to deal with this sort of thing.
-He says it was a made up word. Seems unlikely unless he hangs out with three year olds.
-Oh yeah, Allen used to keep a noose hanging from a tree branch in his office. That's not great.
-Allen counters that he grew up in a football family and learned that black people can play well too . . .
-Allen calls his display of the Confederate flag as youthful indiscretion. He was anti-establishment. Russert: "But you were governor."
-Webb has previously referred to affirmative action as state-sponsored racism.
-Webb discusses his Southwest Virginia bonafides. Not sure how this applies to racism.
-Webb says that African Americans are the only ethnicity to be discriminated against by the government. Somewhere a Japanese guy shrugs.
-Russert asks if Allen will pledge to serve a six year term. Allen starts throwing out a bunch of platitudes. Russert says he's already read his campaign brochure. Nice.
-And Allen closes by quoting Mark Twain. That's something.

Webb is looking good so far. Allen is having a much harder time not having Chuck or Mary Sue as an opponent. If he refers to Webb as a Robb/Wilder/Terry Democrat, he may be in trouble.

The Allen campaign is running an ad about energy. Looks like we need clean coal and ethanol.


And back from commercial . . .

-Russert brings up Webb's statement about how women shouldn't be in combat. What should be more interesting than Webb's response will be Allen's position on this.
-A retired commander says that males repeatedly brandished this article at her.
-Webb says that twenty-six years later he sees that the dames aren't so bad after all. Especially the go getters.
-Wow, this quote doesn't help. Webb: "The Naval Academy is a horny woman's dream." Apparently Webb no longer agrees with that statement.
-Webb answers this issue rather ably, but geez.
-Why can't politicians just admit they changed they're mind. Seriously, people do that all the time.
-And Russert brings up Allen's opposition to women at VMI while he was governor.
-Allen says he was trying to defend women's honor from men like Jim Webb. Seriously. He said that.
-Allen brings up Tailhook. If you don't remember Tailhook, it's worth looking up.
-This is going to be a tough issue for Webb. He is going to need a significant female vote.

Moving on to enemy combatant legislation . . .

-Russert asks Allen whether he supports the president's policy (hooray torture!) or Warner/Graham/McCain's proposal (boo torture).
-Allen is floundering around on this.
-Allen: "I don't even know where I stand." I'm going to have to check the transcript to make sure I heard that right.
-Apparently Allen has given this issue no thought whatsoever.
-Webb is for the Warner/Graham/McCain proposal and Colin Powell's statements. Again, no mention of a Democrat anywhere. Bizarre.
-Webb again is looking more knowledgable on this issue than the incumbent senator.

And here we go . . .

-Russert starts off with obvious question for Webb. Why did he endorse Allen for Senate in 2002. Webb essentially says that Allen has disappointed and the Republican party has abandoned various principles. Says nothing about why he wants to be a Democrat.
-Allen opens by saying Webb hates tax cuts and energy ideas . . . and maybe equality.
-Allen puts forward the notion that the entire world supported the Iraq war. Don't forget Poland.
-Allen starts with a human interest story, Russert's having none of this. He asks if Allen would have changed his vote if he had known there would be no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
-Allen's still punching. He calls Webb less militant than the French.
-Webb brings up an awkward reference to his Marine son and the fact that Webb served in Vietnam, while Allen did not. -Then he finally gets back on track explaining that his position is that more questions should have been asked.
-Allen: We shouldn't tuck tail and run. Turns out only Al Qaida and Jim Webb want us to do that.
-Allen has the Bush gift of not answering the question asked. Russert asks about the chaotic Anbar province, Allen answers that the Kurdish areas are running TV ads for investment firms. Maybe they need tax cuts?
-Much like the rest of the race, Allen is getting about 70 percent of the face time so far.
-Russert asks both whether we should increase troop levels. Allen meanders through the same answers he'd give for any question about Iraq. Webb actually gives a good answer. John Kerry take note: Give the clear statement first ("we don't have the troops to send") and then give the complex answer. Also don't bore people to death.
-Webb impresses with his knowledge of the complexities of the Middle East.
-Wow, Russert brings up Webb's appearance on Meet the Press in 1985. Turns out he was pro-draft. Now he just want's a tax cut incentive for soldiers to join. Supply side military?
-Webb quotes Eisenhower. So far Democrats seem pretty irrelavant. Check the transcript. Has any Democrat been mentioned?
-Russert shows the Iranian and Iraqi presidents "meeting, hugging, kissing". I suspect the question will be about gay marriage.
-The question to Allen is whether we are creating an extremist regime in Iraq. Allen basically says no and then goes on to talk about how they're having trouble with budgets (hey, they're just like us!). Military, oil and what not.
-Allen says that we should set up Iraq to run like Alaska. There would certainly be more bridges in Anbar.
-Allen puts forth the bizarre proposition that if you make a decision you should never second guess it.
-Webb's looking pretty good so far. Very knowledgable. Of course, this is the area where he should be strongest. Let's wait for gay marriage and anything about football.
-They're arguing about whether we should have bases in Iraq.
-Webb: "George has a fundamental misunderstanding of how the military is used". Nice.

Coming up we have the debate between George Allen and Jim Webb on Meet the Press. This will actually be the first time I've had a chance to see Jim Webb live, so this should be interesting.

A couple of predictions . . .

-Allen will refer to Webb as a flip-flopper.
-Webb will refer to his combat boots and Allen's cowboy boots
-Allen and Russert will banter about football.
-Russert will ask for a prediction on the Buffallo Bills.

-And of course gay marriage . . . sigh . . .

First a little bit of history . . .

Once upon a time in a land that looked a lot like Virginia, but with a far fewer Northerners, Democrats dominated the political landscape. Governors, senators, local representatives, mayors, and dog catchers were all Democrats and the few who considered themselves Republicans kept a low profile outside of the occasional cocktail party. Now, it is true that for much of that time, the Democrats held power through their support of segregation, political intimidation, and maybe a touch of corruption. But much of that story belongs to history so we'll skip through all of that. The only thing you needed to know is that Harry Flood Byrd ran Virginia, and you voted the way he told you to vote. And Henry Flood Byrd told you to vote Democrat (unless that Democrat was Kennedy, but that's a whole 'nother story). Eventually, Byrd departed from this mortal coil and his successor, Prince Harry Flood Byrd Jr. went the way of Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms, and George Wallace and left the new pinko version of the Democratic party. 100 years of tradition disappeared in short order and the Democrats of Virginia were left rudderless.

Still even without an agenda other than maintaining the status quo, the Democrats essentially were the state legislature throughout the 1970s and 80s. There were terms in which the Republican Senate caucus could not have formed a regulation basketball team let alone muster up the balls to refer to the estate tax as the "death tax". With seemingly no one other opposition than Marshall "Concession Speech" Coleman, the Democrats held the governor's mansion throughout the 80s and into the 90s. But unchecked power was bad for the Democrats. Like many a flightless bird, any survival instinct that may have developed decades ago during actual contested elections, had been bred out of them through predator-free generations. With their political muscle slowly atrophying, the party leaders fought amongst themselves for the power they couldn't share. Eventually, wire tapping, cocaine parties, and sex scandals garnered more headlines than political initiatives.

By 1993, the Democratic gubernatorial lineage read Robb, Baliles, and Wilder. Don Beyer and Mary Sue Terry were groomed as the logical successors for the house of Dems. Mary Sue Terry faced off against a little known candidate from Charlottesville, a former one-term congressman who lost his seat in the controversial Virginia redistricting of 1990. The Democrats had redrawn several of the districts to gain even more ground than what they had known for the last century. Mary Sue coasted through the Summer with a 25 to 30 point lead over this legislator without a district. And then the dam finally broke . . . The little known candidate, George Allen, quickly gained ground and trounced Terry on election day, winning fifty-eight percent of the vote. From that point, Allen's career took off and the Democrats in Virginia went into a tailspin. Over the course of the 1990s, the Democrats would lose every statewide office and control over both houses of the state legislature. The final nail in the coffin of the Grand Old Democrats came in 2000 when George Allen defeated incumbent Senator and former Democratic golden boy Chuck Robb, to complete the Republican takeover of Virginia politics. There's a lot more history here, but those are the high (or low) points that get us to where we are today.

What about Mark Warner, you ask. Isn't he a sign of the resurrection of the Democratic party? Maybe, but I think it's far more likely that Mark Warner, like Bill Clinton, is the aberrant case of a gifted candidate who wins despite his party's ineptitude. Do you think Tim Kaine would be governor of Virginia without Mark Warner's popularity? Seems unlikely to me, and from what I can tell the Virginia Democrats concur. Having lost twice now to George Allen, the Democrats have a new strategy: nominate a Republican. I'm sure most Allen and Webb supporters would come together to disagree with me on this one, but take a look at Webb's stated positions on the issues. Clearly, he disagrees with the current administration on Iraq. But if not for the Iraq conflict, would he be a Democrat? Look for yourself. On the few issues on which he gives concrete statements, his positions are remarkably similar to that of the president.

This is not to say Webb is better or worse than Allen. His bonafides as a Democrat have no bearing on whether he'd make a fine Senator. My point here is that unless the Democrats want to become the agnostic wing of the Republican party, they should start defining true positions on important issues and then nominate candidates who will champion those issues. Until then, the good news for the Democrats is that there are plenty more Republicans to choose from for the next Senate race. The bad news for Virginia is that we seem to be on a path to have little more choice than the Virginia of fifty years ago. Harry Byrd would be proud.

Can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but the plan is that we (or at least I) will liveblog the upcoming mid-term elections. Between now and then look for occasional analysis of various campaigns and whatever else seems relevant. Since Live Blogging headquarters is located in the mountains of Southwest Virginia, we will pay particular attention to the race between George Allen and Jim Webb.

Today, I'll post some general information about each candidate, and start what should become a regular feature on the campaign literature I'm receiving. Yeah, I know it sounds dull, but you've got to trust me on this one. There's lots to discuss here.

Tomorrow, assuming I can drag myself out of bed in time, I'll liveblog the debate between Allen and Webb on Meet the Press. So stay tuned for insight, analysis, and ridicule. With any luck we'll piss someone off enough to get mentioned in the news. My goals are modest, but tangible.

Oh yeah, it was Dick Vermeil

As previously (briefly) mentioned, Brad Nessler, Dick Vermeil, and Ron Jaworski were awesome last night. I'd like to see Kornheiser added to the mix somehown and leave Tirico and Theismann to pickup a hobo from whatever city they're visiting for the late broadcast. But Vermeil is a winner, but maybe I just like Greg Kinnear. In any case, Jaws, Penguin Dance and Vermeil sound like a rating bonanza.

I love Tony Kornheiser.

Thiesmann was going on about some catch that a reasonable individual could have caught and was saying that his feet went out from under him or whatever while America is watching the play in slow motion and just showing the guy not catch the ball. So, after what seemed like thirty seconds of Horrific Leg Fracture going on about this, Kornheiser, having seen exactly how the ball traveled from the QB to the reciever, asks: "Did it not hit him in the head?"

"Yeah, but it was a tough, uh, thing to catch."
"Okay."

Speaking as someone who owned a Thiesmann jersey when I was young, I'd rather hear dead silence (they did that once, by the way) than listen to Tirico and Thiesmann for these games. The second game in the double-header was actually very well done.

Okay, was sans computer last night so I missed out on a lot. I'm glad someone made the walk six miles/lap dance joke.

I'll just cover the random thoughts:

• How exactly did the flat tire process work? 1) Walk to service station 2) Get a ride back to car 3) Replace tire? Nope. 1) Walk back to service station, quickly getting a new tire and rim for a twenty-year-old car. It's certainly possible. 1) Walk to service station, but stopping in a parking lot and finding an identical vehicle, removing the tire and rolling it three miles back. Perfect. Also, there was no comunication as to where Bellick, Charro and the cons were going to hide, but I can ignore that for now.


• The previews look awesome. Next week is a must-see. "Wha'd y'all do you yaw haynd?"


• How is it that the car was missing about three hundred pounds of mass, but they can check the blood for pig phenotypes?All they had left was a pig spine wrapped in plastic.


• Shooting locations: rent two motels, get the third one free.


• Nothing is as bad-ass as using Teabag as an accomplice to steal a motel iron. Oh, was that not the plan?


• Needless to say, I paused the show and fast-forwarded when I saw the singing was up.

Maybe you didn't just order the new Dan Reeder album. Maybe you ordered the t-shirt to go with it. While you're waiting on your stoop for the media mail package (which is as fast as priority, by the way) to arrive, you might want to check out the latest Dan Reeder interview.

As much as I like the idea of covering the president's speeches, I think I'm going to sit this one out. Although I do have to wonder how a guy gets a name like Shepherd Smith . . .

Ok, so that's the show for tonight. Not as easy as 24, but it could have been worse. Maybe next week I'll know more peoples names.

-Damn, next time you're getting the tire, and I'm getting the lap dance.
-Bellick? Is that the prison guard/Tony Soprano looking guy's name?
-Oh, the doctor died. I guess I'll see that soon. Did Michael kill her?
-And it did indeed not work out for the dumb hitchhiker picking up guy.
-This guy's definitely secret service, right? The lawyer's name is Sarah.
-Not sure what that was all about.
-Yeah, I haven't had a shower like that in forever. Smooth . . . Chicks dig guys who are occassionally hygenic.
-John, the mobster escapee, is at some hotel. More on the shower motif . . .
-And he's been ratted out. And the cop tells him who the rat is. Not sure if that's really the best way to deal with a mobster.
-Suicide by cop? Yeah . . .
-It's like the both guys from the wild bunch, or am I thinking of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
-Wow, she came back to the room. They aren't making college kids any smarter these days . . .
-You can't go where we're going. You'll never understand the latinos. They speak some odd language.
-Ah, she was scorned after all . . .
-See folks. Always keep the bullets separate from the gun. You won't regret it.
-So . . . you'll write? Call me . . .
-HQ called. Wants to know if you're interested in centrifuges (look it up).
-Schofield crash was staged. They switched the body with a pig or something.
-Lots of hate from the FBI guy. I say jealous admiration.
-That's like one of those odd Mad magazine fold up things.

-In a predictable sequence, Fibonacci is back on the run. Ok, I'm out of Fibonacci jokes.
-Nothing says innocent like hanging up the phone as the guy walks in the door.
-Who are you calling a mormon?
-Ah, it is the lawyer chick. Lied about the whole doctor thing. I would too were I a lawyer.
-So the MS guy is with the Secret Service, right?
-Creepy pocket guy is putting the moves on Young Miss. Why would you let your daughter alone with that guy?
-This probably isn't going to work out well for the stupid guy or his daughter.
-The jig is up.
-My daddy always said, fool me once shame on me. Fool me twice, you go in the ground. Seriously, seven or eight times a day. Over and over and over again. Wouldn't shut up.
-And that was bound to happen.

Seriously, what money hungry heir sold out Audrey Hepburn to advertise pants?

-Eye witness accounts. No one saw nothing.
-Frankenstein arm is not all that smooth, but these cops aren't all that smart.
-Dirty hippies.
-Uh oh. Fell for the old I was a marine too trick.
-Woman scorned is selling out the convicts.
-Fibonacci has been located. The information is from Jersey. Everything from Jersey is on the up-and-up.
-Domestic trouble for 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13.
-Ah, so she's not so scorned, or is she?
-See, this is why you don't pick up strangers, especially seemingly crazy ones.
-Oh, good lord. And especially not when you have your kid with you . . .
-This would be so much easier if I knew these peoples names.

-Who is this woman? Is that the lawyer? No, that's not her.
-Death penalty brother sabatoges the car.
-The detective guy who figured out that clever otis ruse is on the job.
-Where have I seen him before?
-Nothing says innocent like switching off the radio when a police bulletin comes on.
-John Denver moment.
-Nothing says innocent like freaking out when cops are anywhere in sight.
-What is this, rehab? Guess so. Hi Lance.
-There's the lawyer chick. And she's heckling the addict? She's a doctor now? Hmm, what did I tell you about the confusion.
-INS raid? Oh, that must be Fibbonicci.
-We're in Friend, Nebraska. Here's the guy with the newly attached arm. Now he's cutting himself. I think I saw this on Lost.
-Cops are on to him.
-Tony Soprano's car has a flat tire. Maybe they could wait for the next tractor trailor to pass.
-Waiting in a shack. Woman scorned is going to talk to the ex-screw (that means prison guard, Joe).

Ok, the following takes place between . . . No wait, that's not right

-Ok, what did I miss last week. Is Fibonacci still alive? Geez, you'd figure he'd be dead by now by some odd sequence.
-This would probably be easier if I knew these peoples names.
-Michael and his brother with some unknown women and they're going to New Mexico.
-Tony Soprano is trying to run them off of the road.
-And on this Dukes of Hazzard gravel road, they almost hit a tractor trailer?
-Drive in the lake! It'll definitely work.
-No, not the tree.
-Tony Soprano has them at gunpoint.
-He's going to take them to Utah? Nooooooo! That will probably bore them to death.

Feel free to send correspondance, complaints, job offers our way at liveblogging @ gmail. Who knows, maybe we'll even answer a few . . .

Ok, so tonight I'll give Prison Break a shot. I've only seen the first four episodes of the first season, so it's likely I'm just going to be confused for an hour. Here's what I know so far:

-There's a prison with a guy in it on death row who somehow mixes with the general population from time-to-time.
-The guy's kid is going to come to no good.
-His brother, a huge Johnny Winter fan, gets himself a felony conviction so that he can break both of them out.
-In the first week or so, the illustrated man fakes diabetes, loses a couple of toes and fights another man for his gay lover (prison changes a man).
-From what I can gather from the one episode of this season I've seen, they've broke out of prison, making the title rather anacronistic.
-That kid I mentioned? Apparently, he came to no good, screwing up the escape in the process.
-If you're on the run, don't acknowledge women walking dogs.
-Some guy (I think what's his name's ex) gets his hand sewed back on by a vet (?).
-Something probably happened last week.

And that should catch everyone up for tonight. More in a few minutes . . .

Okay, I'm definitely going to blog the presidential address.


"For everytime they come up with an adjective to preceed 'terrorist' (aka despicable, dastardly, etc.) I will kill a puppy. For every excuse for how they've crapped on the Consitution for the interminable 'War on Terror', I will kill a puppy. A puppy will die, and must die, to illustrate how this Administration has left this country smelling of urine and leprosy. The pile of adorable puppy corpses will illustrate how America has been wracked by the machinations of an insane puppeteer.

I have a feeling I will run out of puppies."


-- Abraham Lincoln, 1860

Cardinals 39, 49ers 20

Another fairly accurate breakdown, although Warner went out for a couple of quarters. Leinart put some some good numbers although I wasn't able to pick off Alex Smith as much as one could Peyton Manning.

How is it that risotto isn't a staple of the American diet? Such a simple dish that is full of starch and can be topped with cheese just seems like such a natural fit. But it would be a form of sacrilege to melt Velveeta over Arborio rice, so lets skip past the macaroni and cheese crowd for a moment. Aside from being damned tasty in its own right, risotto can become the base for just about anything that you can cook right. What's in the refrigerator, chicken, red peppers, shrimp, tomatoes, fish, eggplant . . . ? Doesn't matter. Almost everything goes well with risotto.

Risotto's easy, versatile, and looks great on a plate. Everyone who owns a pot should try it at least once a month. But there's more. If you're having a bad day, cooking risotto for dinner will only make it better. Open a bottle of wine, turn on the Dan Reeder (or Miles Davis works), and stir your troubles away. It's the culinary equivalent of raking gravel. For at least an evening your blood feud with Verizon melts into the background.

So here's the point I'm coming around to. We've had movies celebrating the ritual spirituality of fly-fishing, the elegant beauty of the piano, and something to do with painting covered bridges. So, why aren't Robert Redford, Harvey Keitel, and Clint Eastwood lining up to make a movie about risotto? A movie about a tough guy making risotto? Miramax would kill for that, and certainly there'd be an Academy Award to follow. Granted, I wouldn't watch it anymore than I'd see any of the other movies I mentioned. But still, risotto is damned tasty.

TV Commercials in Madden 2007

By the way, how have the Madden 2007 folks missed the opportunity to add the inane pimping of the network's primetime TV shows to the fourth-quarter commentary? When you're pulling an Eli Ed Norton to a Peyton Jared Leto for forty-five minutes it gets pretty boring and I'd really like to know what's coming on later that night. There are three things that are true: 1) EA Sports has never shied away from the 'Snickers Player of the Game' (Eli, btw) or the 'Oldsmobile Drive of the Century' (Brady) or whatever. 2) The Playstation knows what day it is. 3) The Playstation is connected to the Internet. I figure you could have some commentary kept up-to-date and just run commercials constantly while I just take knees for three downs and connect to Plaxico Burruss for a TD while the software tries to animate Peyton Manning yelling at his offensive line on the sidelines. This could work.

Giants 38, Colts 31

Other than freakish, regular fumbles by Tiki Barber that let to late scores, this game was dominated by Eli Manning and a furious air attack. The Giant QB finished 12-22 for 297 yards and 4 TDs while his more hunchbacked older brother was haunted by a pair of back-to-back interceptions and zero ability to find the open reciever. This game was more reminicent of the movie 'Twins', with Peyton filling in the Danny Devito role. So far the Madden preview has been pretty accurate (a.k.a. never been wrong) this season but we'll check in with the final stats later tonight.

Bengals 55, Chiefs 37

479 yards of total offense.
Carson Palmer was 14 for 26 for 317 yards and 2TDs.
Rudi Johnson rushed for 5TDs and 163 yards.

So says Madden 2007. I'm curious how this will play out in reality.

4:22PM There is no way Kerry Collins is the starter next week. You, me and the Brady Bunch could have scored the tying TD against the Jets. And what's with the NFL cutting off the game with 0:43 seconds left. It ain't like CBS is showing a game next. Stupid rule. Oh, and Federer is going to win. In straight sets.

Also, too bad about Trent Green. But the Bengals won handily. In the Madden matchup, Green threw for 5TDs in the loss. The Pats needed the safety to clinch the win over a Bills team headed by J.P. Losman. I swear. He was good. Maroney did pretty well and Brady was something like 11-23 for a couple TDs. If I describe anything more, I'm pretty sure have to get the express written consent of the NFL. They can negotiate with me if they like but I'm not sure how I'll be able to blackout local coverage.

"Come On!"

Masha beats Juju.

This is going to be somewhat of a departure from the usual brand of back-of-the-classroom reviews that have thrust this tiny site into the living rooms of mainstream America and a tile on the President's morning threat matrix. We're casting off the shackles of the small screen and destroying the root of terror across the globe. Readers of the Interweb, we present our first movie review.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

Little Miss Sunshine

Really, really, really good.

My TiVo's Fall Schedule

Monday

8PM Prison Break
9PM Heroes (At least once. High unintentional comedy factor, I think.)
10PM Studio 60

Tuesday

8PM Standoff (at least to see if the real show is better than the pilot) Otherwise, Friday Night Lights.
9PM House/Criminal Intent/The Knights of Prosperity/The Unit (which is a half-good show. Imagine an hour-long 24 spiced randomly with 30 minutes of a Lifetime movie)
10PM Smith (at least once. I liked Heist a lot.)

Wednesday

8PM Bones/30 Rock (at least once)
10PM Mythbusters

Thursday

8:30PM The Office
9PM CSI (I keep hoping for something -- anything -- new.)

Friday

10PM Numb3rs

Official LiveBlogging Merchandise

• Scott: Lee Harvey Oswald Band


• Joe: "All five locations!"


• Chris: Life.


• Chuck, the guy I killed for sport: "The Left Coast! Get it?!"

S P O I L E R S

Another follow-up on Prison Break: Why is the talented Dr. Sara Tancredi being grilled so hard for leaving the door to the infirmary open? For starters, Scofield dropped into the very same infirmary via the ductwork in one of the early episodes to save her from being mauled or whatever during the the prison riot. Secondly, it's just a wooden door with (security) glass inserts. Not a huge barrier considering that they also have to pop the iron bars off the freakin' window to get out of the room, over the cables and over the gate.

Finally, and I can't stress this enough: THEY CHISELED THEIR WAY OUT OF A CELL AND DUG A GOD-DAMMED HOLE INTO THE GUARD'S BREAKROOM. If the infirmary door was locked then we'd all expect Scofield to look at his tattoos for a few minutes before saying something like 'Oh crap, guess we better go back. I know a few of us can hotwire cars and rip off a wallet undetected but I didn't plan on having to pick a lock.'

Whatever. Although there were a lot of ridiculous roadblocks halfway through the first season but overall the show is pretty solid. I'm really liking this season as well -- it's looking to be a marked improvement over the 24-esque final four episodes last season. If they bring back Veronica from her chopped-up-into-little-pieces-vacation I'm going to file some sort of class-action lawsuit, I swear. The teasers with Billick seem to be showing off his own version of evil-genius but come on, the guy rolled one of the escapees with a hamburger (!) and got him admit something as nebulous as 'Scofield is planning to break out of prison.'

E N D O F S P O I L E R S

Also, T.J. will be kidnapped and held for ransom. Billick's mother is the new Vice-President. Since they lost the backpack with the key to the locker filled with the extra spending money, Scofield sells his skull for advertising space. The blind guy from Contact will sit for hours pondering (in a drug-induced haze) why Scofield added the Reebok logo above his ear. Sucre ends up in Vegas but can't follow Maricruz since a bunch of wierdos with funny sunglasses and ultraviolet lights are examining the motorcycle from the perpective of the the handlebars or whatever. Since some larvae indicate that the motorcycle was used by a prison escapee, they track him down but end up letting him go since he's not a psycho-sexual sadist nor does he dress up like woodland creatures, sleep with blood relatives, attend a college rave and date rape a co-ed. (Am I wrong?)

A quick word about the general state of television: We may be entering an era of actual programming again. I haven't been pimping the following shows as much as I should have been, but 'Psych' is a phenomenal television program. It's also available (and popular) on the iTunes Music Store so you can catch up if you have the guy from the Daily Show or the guy from Stuckeyville High. (The missing character from those commercials is an alabaster version of Horatio Sanz with overalls and a free t-shirt from a technology conference held shortly after Socks-the-First-Cat had kittens and is off-camera finding Morpheus or whatever. 'Knock, knock.')

So, yeah, 'Psych' is great. New. Different. Like '24' but funnier outtakes. ("You see, Mr. Bauer, the toxins are entering your ... [boom mike drops into the shot, followed by laughter which abruptly stops after Keifer Sutherland snaps the sound guy's cervical vertebrae and stares at everyone before returning to his mark.])

I've been intrigued by the show 'House, M.D.' but never actually watched any of it until today. I can see why people like it and having a relatively healthy version of his character seems okay for me. 'Standoff' was also good but a little, uh, clumsy. It's supposed to be Moonlighting-with-hostage-negotiators but the pilot came across as The-Negotiator-meets-Michael-Bay-with-Rose-DeWitt-and-Ron-Livingston. A lot of intersection shots but there were some really funny scenes and high drama, I guess. I don't envy the writers since if they pull it off it will be the only successful case of this formula working. (Example: Name a movie featuring an extended soft-focus love scene with a married couple. Having people already together leaves out the stuff that fifty years of domestic programming has honed to an art form. Needless to say, I really want this show to succeed.)

Okay, must sees:
Psych
House
Standoff
Prison Break

Plenty Good:
Meerkat Manor
Monk

Coming Soon:
Studio 60

Miami and Florida State are playing right now. I suspect we'll see at least two players and Bobby Bowden ejected for arson. Maybe it's easy to exaggerate the dirty play of these teams. Now that we've kicked off the spikes-into-the-calf guy (who's since been let go by the Dolphins) I can start making fun of Stabby McSherrif and the Miami Gougettes again.