Lynn McGill's been inhaling too much gold paint. (They use real 14k flakes...)

(Reviewing the missing parts of the show via TiVo...)
Shoulder-fired missiles? How about more of those and less German-made SMGs and frickin flamethrowers...
"Sir, do you want me to recall the motorcade or not?" Great, the second President to negotiate with terrorists.
Crazy McCrazy want everything to be mirrored until we 'clear this nerve gas'. I wasn't aware people got to pick what was mirrored from their screen. Oh, I thought you just wanted to see my Dilbert screensaver.
"What are you doing here, Chloe?"
"Lynn is losing it. He took Bill Buchanan out of play."
Logan: "They will be fast and they will be mercilous." -- They are the Yakoff Baueronoviches of non-descript Russian separatists.
"Any changes to the plan? They painted red and white concentric circles on the roof with 'This One' in Cyrillic? But no changes to the route?"
I should probably pray, but I'm stuck with Godless communists.
Who are you on the phone with? Homeland Security? Updated code-sets? I know they have to find minority districts to pick where the hurricanes go, but we've got to find the nerve gas.

Request **
Search Omicron Employee Roster " Tandy Joanna" and it shows freakin' everyone in the company. Including R. Suarez.
"This is Jane Esplnansdasndson from Accounting."
Just for the record, I never believed you were dead.

Two hours next week. That could be good. Oh shit. Kim's back. And Tony has had long enough time to recover from sure death. Heroic death will follow.

A two-hour event! Solid! [Snaps, points at camera.]

4:54

-"Each bunker is a completely sealed environment. Nothing gets in. Nothing gets out." If this were a sitcom, they would get locked in.
-Lot of talking this season.
-Suspicious deaths, etc. etc.
-And Jack gets locked in. Seriously. Did anyone not see this coming?
-And, of course there's a bomb.
-Jack's mentor doesn't really plan so well. Of course you put the bomb next to the door and hide under the floor.
-Ok, surely this is going to result in some killing. Jack can't be happy about this.
-More scenes with the president and Mike . . . and that's the show.

Not exactly a highlight of the series . . .

I liked the flame thrower bit.
I gotta merge some files. I gotta run a sort. I gotta run a merge sort.
Nina Myers, George Mason, Anthony Mason, whatever.
"You and me, we go way back. Remember that weekend at the B&B in Vermont? Are we still married by the way. I'm still wearing the ring."
He opens the way too hi-tech clipboard to reveal... a cobra!
Ah, under the floor. What a badass.

Police are partially to blame: They should have outlawed Wal-Mart. Five dollar washing machines, I mean, come on.

His incessant sniffling.

4:45

-Bill Buchanan fixing things. Hopefully he's do something about the show going dull.
-CTU to try to avert the attack.
-Shouldn't we see more Jack Bauer at this point?
-The motorcade is under attack. So, they stop the cars.
-Oh, no! The honest guy is down.
-This is going to be so bad for foreign relations. Looks like we'll be in the whole ABM treaty for a few more years after all.
-Hey, honest guy saves the day. Still no Jack . . .

"Override the firewall Lyn put up." Wow. What an ass.
"Oh, attacking the motorcade. Really. Uh... That's bad. You've done a good job. You've done a helluva job, Billy."
Why take out the motorcyclists? And the real Secret Service is probably pissed that they were depicted as such incompetent fools. And Aaron a.k.a. Older Jack Bauer took out a few commies.
We need to prepare ourselves for the terrorists retaliation. You should go get some more papers you can pretend to shuffle around, Mr. President.

4:29

-Seriously, this whole show has gone soft.
-NSA decoded some words and phrases from some chatter
-5, 110, 10. Pick 3 drawing, if I had to guess.
-Unsubstantiated rumors from a couple of computer geeks? Seriously, you two are just like Edgar. Especially you big man.
-What kind of accent does this guy have? Dutch?
-Chatter report . . . White elephant . . . McGill is crazy . . .
-Can't Jack shoot a pedestrian or something while all of this is going on.
-Hack into Lynn's account.
-Edgar, put a blanket on my subnet. And a tea cozy on my TCP/IP.
-Section 112 requires documentation. Is it a protocol or something?
-The Russian motorcade is still 15 minutes from the airport? This is the longest trip ever on this show.
-Please, please, please stop showing the president. Seriously. Bring back Kim or something. Show us Nina's rotting skeleton. Anything . . .
-"Pray with me Mike." "Mr. President, with all due respect, I'm completely evil."
-Edgar and Chloe are working against protocols.
-Curtis invokes section 112. Damn straight.
-Take the hobbit away. And remove his lifts.
-Reinstate Bill Buchanan. No remark about being back in play . . .

"The only word I could decode refers to the downtown corridor."
..maybe I wasn't clear... NO! (Teleplay by Senator Ted Stevens.)
Wow, Tim Robbins has a bad Russian accent.
Chase that white elephant. Mmm, white elephants.
Chatter reports.
IF I'M IN FOR ONE PLAY I'LL BE IN THE NOTRE DAME RECORD BOOKS FOREVER, CAN'T YOU F*CKERS SEE THAT?
Everyone, corridor 7A. Or, just outside the bathrooms.
"Put a blanket on my subnet."
"For the record, this is not a good idea."
Section 112! [Upper-crust lady shrieks, drops champagne glass.]
"My father used to tell me life was about problem-solving. Someone solve the problem -- I'll be in the john."
This guy...
Damn you Martha.. YOU BROUGHT IT ON YOURSELF? Sweet Lord. Pray with me, Mike.
I predict that the current President hears "Mr. President, with all due respect..." quite a lot. As in, "Mr. President, with all due respect, you can't declare Barney to be the governor of Guam."
"Shoot him!" -- The security guys look at each other as if to say "Jack Bauer is the only on authorized to have us shoot people. Flank two for life."

<yawn>
Okay, who's this guy?
Blah blah blah -- How did Jack get punked by a ninety year old man?

4:17

-Protocols are coming over shortly.
-Terry is fired for "chatting" with Homeland Security. McGill still reminds me of someone I know. But who?
-Jack=John Barrie. I hope John Barrie is more prone to shooting people than Jack has been.
-So familiar . . .
-"Where's the mens's room?" Jack is a master of stealth. In previous years, the secretary would be dead or tortured by now.
-Henderson gets the jump on Jack. Jack has definitely gone soft.
-Chlorine gas was a cover story to stop Widespread Panic. Ricin was a cover story to stop Jane's Addiction.
-Off to see the bunker. Hope something interesting happens there . . .

24 -- Episode nine:

The following takes place between 4:00 PM and 5:00 PM . . .

-After a few more episodes, the "previously on 24" section is going to take half of the hour.
-They make such nice cases for weapons these days.
-Yeah, so it's a terrible thing about what's happened to the president of Russia. Let's make a statement or something.
-My wife in the car of death. Hmmm, I think this is bad. Someone tell me, is this bad?
-As your husband, I demand you jump out of the car!
-Back at CTU, Audrey invites Edgar to the server room. Either she's coming on to him, or going to try to kill him
-McGill reminds me of someone I know. Can't quite put my finger on it.
-Oh, hey! Jack Bauer. Haven't seem him for awhile. Isn't this show about this guy?
-Jack sold out Henderson. Wasn't this referenced in season 1?
-McGill has access to survelliance throughout CTU . . . except the server room. Surely there's nothing important there.
-The president is killing me. Take him out Mike. Just take him out.

Oh, great. More celebrity skating. But wait, Mark/Scott Hamil/Hamilton says there's only one episode remaining. So, I guess that's something.

3:53 (?)
-Terradyne has acquired over 100 pounds of something or another and is owned by Omnicron?
-The president is weasal. A weak, weak weasal. Yeah, we know. Keep it moving.
-Ah, yes. Yuri. I'm sorry to hear about your death. I mean . . . um . . . hello, you must be going. Can I borrow your pen?
-This is the such a bad president.
-Or maybe he gave him false information. That would be a reedeeming quality. Seems unlikely.
-Lynn McGill is calling from CTU. Say's he's going nuts.
-Excellent. The First Lady has balls.
-Everyone in the government should be like the honest guy.

Think FOX first. Think about our new anchor. Pay no attention to our weathermen . . . Nothing to see here. Please look at our anchor.

"Strontium."
Omicron International stock jumps thirty points.
"Christopher Henderson? Yeah, we were college roomates. Liked drinking the bong water, but a good guy. One time, he hired a goat for the day and we ..."
"Yes? Hold on." -- "Don't make the terrorists wait! That's just bad manners."
Ah, 'steadfast'.
Ah right, tell everyone that this giant circle is where I want them to strike. Clearly, this is a good deal for the President.
Oh, downtown? Yeah, that's fine.
Fox News has the greatest access of a motorcade ever but the terrorists have no idea that the First Lady is inside. They wanted the shot of the sides of the cars but not the departure, I suppose.

And the whole caring about plot and whatnot section of 24 has apparently ended. A good firefight, dying confession, and a magic bullet microchip. After 7+ episodes we're finally on to the mass killing and ridiculous technology section of the season.

-What consquences can there possibly be to going to war with the Russians?
-Yeah, yeah. The office of the president never does anything bad . . .
-Source code rejected? Is that a real error message? Can we get that for our software? It would save so much time.
-If the hobbit is on medication, he really needs to take the full dosage.
-Isn't this pretty much the same role he played as a hobbit?

"The padded room is only a phone call away, Mr. President."
You know, refuse to negotiate with them. There you go.
I loved the pleasant instant message sound. Must be great.
("Use your keycard." Did anyone else hear that?)
"Do not threaten me, Ms. Raines. I got that god-forsaken ring where it needed to be."
I won't even address the redundancymirroredtomyscreen thing.

The Shaggy Dog? Was there some overwhelming demand for this? An underground movement?

Ultraviolet. In theatres March 3rd. Any takers?

3:28

-Hobbit: Somebody's screwing with me. I think they're jealous of my lifts . . . er . . . I mean tallness . . .
-No hidden agendas! The hobbit will not permit the CTU analysts to legislate from the cubicle.
-Getting to the pay phone just in time. That's so Die Hard 3.
-Jack checks for change.
-Nathansen is under attack. I hope he gives his real name soon.
-Ok, ok. So the hobbit is suspicious of Audrey. Keep it moving.
-Hey Nathan-san is a bad ass too.
-Finally, some killing commences.
-Yeah, for Jack, a pistol is as good as a sniper rifle.
-And he just shot down a helicoptor with the pistol.
-Ah, a mystery chip. This seems more like 24.
-Did Jack just insert that in his own phone?
-Chloe will datamine the chip after Jack uploads it to her socket. Excellent. Where has this nonsense been?

"Somebody's screwing with me, Bill. And I won't tolerate it." (Hell, it's not even the good kind.)
Ah, G36s. More of an intermediate-use precision weapon.
This guy is ridiculous.
Center-mass, baby. There's two bodies for you, Scott. And another deathbed confession.
... in my pocket ... --- "What's on the chip?!" --- "Oh that, that's some pictures of my yorkie. My other pocket has a detailed map of the terrorists as well as their SIM-card IDs."
5J55J. Good Lord.

3:18

-Curtis: Jack escaped. But he didn't kill me. I think he's gone soft. Really, he hasn't killed hardly anyone today.
-Get back to CTU, now! Run, damnit!
-The Simm card is out of Jack's phone.
-Trusting Chloe never works out well.
-It would take "like two hours" to delete a single call from the log.
-How do these people work without cubicle walls?
-"Evil" Mike Novick lurks.
-The president: What is that? Novick: It's a phone, sir.
-There's no way Mike Novick is not involved in the conspiracy.
-This is really the worst president ever.

Susan and Sharon?

"Curtis, how could you let this happen?" -- "Uh, he's god-damned Jack Bauer."
"The only way to clear the log is to dump everything. They're cross-linked."
"I'm not talking to a terrorist."
"Ah ah ah, you just said that you don't want to kill Americans. No take-backs."
Why not let them ship it out of the country? Let them get a container and they can bank the canisters off Lenin's tomb if they want to.
[03:24]

24 -- Episode eight:

The following takes place between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM . . .

-These "Previously on 24" segments get longer and longer.
-Nerve gas test is successful.
-And . . . the early terrorist coordinator is offed by a more evil terrorist leader.
-Should I know who Nathansan is? Is it something to do with Mr. Miyagi?
-Alpha 7. Destroy all of your databases. And look behind you.
-The hobbit is begging his junking sister for his keycard.
-The president really has little patience, even for this show.
-The president is a twit.
-And a scorned hobbit lashes out.
-Send your protocols to the hobbit's screen in 10 minutes.
-Curtis, we need you to bring Jack in. Again. Yeah, I know it's getting to be a pretty regular plot point on this show, but bear with me.
-Nathansen? How is this spelled?
-Nathensan (?) has a node monitor on his phone. Hopefully it won't get infected.
-Jack has to escape custody in 10 minutes.
-Oh, this isn't going to work out well for Curtis.
-Really Curtis. You should expect this from Jack. You cannot take him into custody. You're lucky he likes you.

Fox News continues its lovefest with the crazy branch of the Republican party.
Alfred the Butler doesn't like traitors.
Who the skip is Nathanson?
"Destroy all your databases."
"Yo, just give me back my keycard. I understand I could just have it disabled and get a new one in ten minutes, but it helps me with the ladies."
"We don't have any leads, do we?" ("Psst. We have two corpses downstairs.")
"I have to take your gun." -- "Sure, buddy. okay."
"Don't fight it." (Actually talking to himself, trying to resist the urge to let Curtis' live.)
[03:13]

This episode had better be top-shelf, I'm missing out on Susan and Sharon switching back and getting their parents back together. Also, Freaky Friday is a travesty.

The local news investigative reporting is terrible. They should just put up a caption at that the bottom of the screen saying "we're outraged!" and get rid of the ridiculous act.

Driving. Driving. Driving.
"He tried to stop us." -- "Why?" -- "I don't know... Well, okay, we had him handcuffed to a pipe and were about to shoot him."
Are. You. Freaking. Kidding. Me?
President Logan: "Dames. Probably gabbing about their periods."
What's the name of the game in which future grocery-baggers pass a story around with a different person writing a new line before passing it again? No connection to 24, just wondering...
Lame. I hate super-intelligent terrorists. Where are the stupid ultra-nationalists from the 70's that ask for their left-handed bretheren locked in Peruvian jails to be given an extra hour in the exercise yard or whatever?
What would be a better plan is to agree to go to a place ENTIRELY UNCONNECTED TO THE DAY'S ACTIVITIES. That would eliminate the possibility that Jack Bauer doesn't get there in time to shoot the gun out of the hands of the guy dumb enough to be tracked back to the garage. It's a hell of a better plan to sell than: 'Oh yeah, if you lead the cops back to within inches of the other members of the operation, shoot yourself.'. Terrorists, that one's on the house.

2:53

-Are you sure you aren't being followed? Yes, I'm sure. I haven't looked or anything, but yes.
-President is tough on the hobbit.
-Mike is the only person who can sound happy announcing fatalities.
-Touching moment. Save it for the ice skating folk.
-Your husband was a traitor to his country and he had it coming. There. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except hanging. I mean, of course that killed your husband, but not immediately. It took a while, but I'm sure he was stronger for his last agnonizing minutes.
-Ewan McGregor is on to them.
-And the terrorists follow orders inordinately well.
-CTU sets up a terrible perimiter. Terrible.

Oh yeah, maybe we just connect the goddamned wires.
Look at the kids, Rudy!
Holding my breath.
Holding my breath.
Holding my breath.
Holding my breath.
"Curtis, I'm looking for the Cinnabon. Repeat: the Cinnabon."
Yeah, do you start coughing when you inhale a lungful of nerve gas?
"I need some god-damned atropine for a child under twelve!" (two seconds pass) "Here it is, Jack."
The terrorists never think things through. The guy knows how to hotwire a car but the idea of just wiring the valve opener motor takes an epiphany.
[02:49]

The local newswoman has a "personal invitation" for me to watch about the latest school sex scandal. Not sure I get that.

2:41

-There are a lot more jumpers on bombs than I would have expected.
-Lynn looks bored.
-Orders of the president. Always obey . . .
-Odd terroist logic. Kill everyone in the mall by setting off nerve gas. But first, let's shoot that guy.
-Jack doesn't need jumpers.
-Curtis, move in! If your throat starts to itch, don't worry about it.
-Nothing causes panic like a guy in a gas mask.
-Mayhem! Mayhem!
-Balloons?
-A couple of people just sitting there in the food court. Not giving up their McNuggets.
-Atrophine is the new ephinephrim.
-Generic agent Michaels is in charge.
-The terrorist does not think to call ahead to sound the alarm.

The mall's internal video surveillance server. Okay.
Seriously, those are the most suspicious-looking air conditioning repairmen in the western hemisphere.
Hi, security guy. Would you believe we have to fix at the AC units? No? Okay, how about heat-lamp repair for S'barros? No? Thwap twap.
Audrey Raines. Always siding with innocent people.
"Uh, you're putting me in a terrible position... How long does it take to invoke the 25th Amendment?"
Grover: Today's episode of 24 has been brought you you by the unlock code of Alpha Kilo Charlie.
[02:37]

IBM: Yes, you can solve all of your security problems through the power of software. No problems there. Nothing can go wrong if you use software.

Clearly, 24 fans like to buy cars and watch sitcom reruns.

2:29

-Just got into the mall's internal video survellience server. Excellent.
-The balloon reminds Jack of his lost childhood. Or maybe it reminds him of a property of physics. Perhaps related to the HVAC system. Will we see the balloon again? I suspect so.
-Everyone asks for the paper work. It never turns out well . . .
-Ever since the Clinton presidency, it's become customary to make it abundantly clear who's listening on the other end of a conference call.
-Since the terrorists can't detonate the nerve gas without the chip, this decision doesn't make that much sense.
-A cover up? This office has never engaged in a cover up.
-Audrey still believes in the whole interrogation thing. That's so season 3.
-I have to make a decision? Someone get me the Allstate insurance guy!
-You say Alpha-kilo-charlie. I say Echo-Bravo-charlie. Kilo-bravo, Alpha-echo. Let's call the whole thing off.
-Handcuffed to a chair with nerve gas going off. I saw Copperfield doing this once.

"I'm the President!" "That means it's your job to tell the truth." Ha! I watched Pat Roberts on MTP on Sunday and he has me convinced that the President can kill any citizen just for sport, let alone having a responsibility for telling the truth.
Holy crap, they're going to the mall! They're taking out the Orange Julius!
Right. Maintenance.
[02:24]

2:18

-The White House press release team is a crack staff. It's been what, 45 minutes since they discovered him?
-Mike Novick attempts to be sincere. Not even he believes it.
-The first lady has such a weak grasp on what the job of the president entails.
-Even Mike is impressed by the president's deviousness.
-Gotta test the cannisters. The terrorist are big on quality control.
-Sunrise Hills mall. Is this the same place where Tony was shot in the head (don't worry folks, he's fine)?
-Jack is stalling.
-Don't hand him the jackets Jack. It's the only leveredge you have.
-Pansy.
-The hobbit is not so concerned with human life. After all we've done for his kind . . .
-McGill pulls rank to make up for having his ass handed to him by a junky.

Yeah, wrap yourself in the warm blanket of your target demographic, Neutrogena. We action/adventure enthusiasts love our hand creme.

Rudy, Interrupted. "Okay, try not to look like I got the crap beat out of me by a junkie hobo."
Jack Bauer is so badass, he didn't even try faking a pan-European accent. He pretty much picked up the phone and said "I'm Jack Bauer, who the f*ck is this?"
Any democratic candidates running for President in 2008: Hire Mike Novick.
Uh. Oh. The first person to put up with the batty First Lady is now trusted with national security secrets. This is going to turn out well.
Edgar: "I'm running the plates."
It's like "I Am Sam" with Keifer Sutherland all of a sudden. Upgrade. It's an interesting commentary that to adequately mimic a software developer you have to put on the airs of functional retardation.
[2:13:54]

24 -- Episode seven:

The following takes place between 2:00 PM and 3:00 PM . . .

2:00

-McGill picks himself up, dusts off, and starts all over again. Nevermind the blood and bruises. No one will notice.
-Picked up on chatter. My mental image of chatter is not what I think it actually is.
-Blue can at the top of the parking garage.
-Comm unit with a fresh battery.
-Remote is an effective way to trigger the cannister, and your garage door opener.
-Oh crap, Mike Novick smells opportunity. Bad things will happen.
-The White House waited over a day to announce that the vice-president shot a man. Are we really expected to believe that they can't wait a couple of hours to go public with a grand conspiracy?
-Clearly, the crazy lady's assistant has been watching the show. Suspects the suicide is not real. Or maybe she's in on it.
-Radar love? Really?
-Jack, acting scared. Channelling his fear of clowns.
-Must not clear throat until chip is out.
-Reset button under the chip? That doesn't seem right.

"Nothing she does adds up to me."
Jamie, Swindon

Episode 8 coming up, and I just realized that there seems like there hasn't been nearly as much killing as I've come to expect over the last few years. Surely that will change this week. It would be a travesty if Dick Cheney out bad-asses Jack Bauer.

And let's see . . . yep, still got celebrity skating on the TV as a lead in to 24. Couldn't they do something else in this time slot? Maybe give a monkey a cardboard box?

Ho hum, walking to the dumpters...
Damn, Rudy is no Jack Bauer. Eddie Izzard totally whipped his ass.
"Allright, now I got street cred. No more fairy hobbit jokes from the fellas."
I want to 'contact my family'. That's Ukranian code for "I'm a terrorist."
You don't believe me? Do you know who the f*ck I am? Do you like your eyes?
If she hangs hersef, Manny will be dead to me.
Wow, they had to resort to '555' for the fake serial numbers.
And his buddies stayed at lunch for a long time.
An ENCODED BINARY CHIP. You know, not one of those decoded trinary chips.
Is that a jumpsuit? A little TOO Charlie's Angels. She's totally going to scorpion kick someone.
... or shoot the vampire guy.

Let me say something. If I were a terrorist, I would totally blow the crap out of Victory Stadium so the god-damned local news would have to find something else to talk about.

1:52

-The hobbit is on the move to meet his junkie sister. Who is that? I know her from something.
-Oh, they're robbing the hobbit. Get his ring. No, wait. Get his passcard. We can sell that down at the pawn shop, right?
-Can't get in touch with Kim. That's a plus.
-The innocent/terroist wants to contact her family. Playing on Jack's sentimentality.
-Scheduled outage coming soon. Will I post in time?
-Ok, maybe she's not a terrorist. I'm on a streak of wrongness.
-Just broken by the terrorist shooting the machine guy. You didn't really believe Ewan McGregor did you?
-Messaging the ID keys.
-Install and program an encoded binary chip? Not even Chloe can do that.
-Aha! She did kill someone. Terrorist or no terrorist, I'm calling that a score.

"I'd like the deal to be signed by the Comptroller of the Coast Guard. Unless you drill into my shin bone and I tell you everything you need to know first."

"Once I see some paperwork..."
15-year-old Ukranian. Whoa. That guy is totally getting a blowtorch to the eye.
I'm almost finished compiling the surveillance protocols.
"Does this mean we're breaking up?"
Edgar is stone cold. Whoo!
I'd like to run it by Mike. He's a dynamo with fixing dangling modifiers.
1431263.
"Yeah, sorry Mr. President. Walt, you know, hung himself. Looks like he punched himself in the face a couple of times first. And left a note saying that I, Mike, had nothing to do with subverting the government."

1:43

-Oh, my immunity agreement is being drawn up? By the way, did I tell you I don't know anything. Yeah, funny thing about that.
-Damn terrorist and their paperwork requirements.
-The girl is a terrorist. The assumption is she was kidnapped.
-She's all he cares about. Hear that Jack. Chop off her fingers!
-Chloe, is the worst manager.
-Edgar definitely sees an in.
-The first lady is so cute when she pretends to write.
-The president is in on this. There's no way we're seeing this much camera time on two completely innocent people.
-The serial number is LED? That doesn't seem right.
-Yes, I thought you should see this sir. Damnest thing how he hangs at that angle. I would have thought more of a vertical angle, but this is more slanty like. Anyhow, that's all. Sorry to interrupt.

Not sure why the roller coaster death movie reminds me of Flatliners.

Know who was in flatliners? Damn straight, it was Jack Bauer.

Stifler from American Pie asks too many questions.
"Yo, I don't like tyranny either."
[1:34] Mary-Kate needs to eat some fudge.
Jack: "I don't mind that they dressed his wound but make sure thry don't give him anything for the pain." -- That rocks.
VX Nerve Gas.
"... reconfigures the trigger mechanism."
The Jack-Bauer-Method >= The-Rudy-Method.

1:32

-Mechnic guy will not live. Particularly if he keeps asking questions. On the other hand, he is getting Hank Azaria's/Ewan McGregor's back story.
-Seriously, the girl is a terrorist. She will kill someone before the episode is out. You heard it here first. Actually, it's so obvious, maybe not first.
-Again it takes longer than normal, but here we begin the first torture scene. No pain killers.
-Seriously. Don't screw with Jack. He'll do more than just slap you. Do you like hurting girls? Curtis, squeeze his leg! Make sure to get some hairs.
-Hobbit accepts the terrorist's deal and leaves. By the time he get's back the terrorist is likely to be dead.
-He only wants the deal signed by the attourney general. Odd. Normally they demand the president sign it. No one is ambitious anymore.

Drama. Drama. Drama. Zzz.
President Logan looks too much like an old Payton Manning to be tolerable.
Resume your duties. You know... duties. Tee hee.
"It's a proprietary network so get to work."
The. Cameras. Will reboot. In sixty seconds.
Status check blue. I'm in flank two. Repeat, status check blue.
"Something's wrong."
"You okay?!" -- Yes. I just got shot, but yeah. Dandy.
[1:27]

Great commercial with Parker Posey and Jimmy Fallon. Way better than 'Brown and Bubbly'. No offense, Diddy. (Can I call you 'Diddy'?)

"You and I have a history. A sexy, sexy history."
I [Heart] Nerve Gas.
Manny Coto.
Oh good, I enjoy the personal complications of CTU staff members.
"Yeah, there's no way to use the canisters unless there's a satellite relay." No, they don't have hammers.
Hey, it's a professional Sinister Foreigner(TM). Star of TV's Pretender.
"Bring up a building manifest..."
Wow, a proprietary security system. The open-source security systems are NOT a "bitch to hack."
"Spencer wrote the infiltration code that took us four months to hack!"
He also needs to debrief me in the copy room. For at least three minutes.
OH HOLY CRAP THEY'RE BRINGING BACK KIM. Cougars, unite!
[1:13]

Note to Harrison Ford. Stop making movies. I liked you in the Indiana Jones films but ever since you teamed up with Josh Hartnett on 'Hollywood Homicide' I've been trying to revoke your SAG card. On a related note, Jack Valenti never keeps his promises.

1:17

-President: Why haven't I been updated? It's been 2 1/2 minutes since Jack left this room.
-Oh, the first lady is going to off the president. Or is it vice versa?
-Mike 'Iago' Novick lurks outside.
-I suspect the president is in on it.
-Can't detain Walt indefinitely. Forget everything that you've remembered about the prisons in season one.
-Ok, this is dragging on a little far. I hope this leading somewhere.
-Chloe is so over Spencer. Now's Edgar's chance.
-Oh, Jack was in a navy blue helicoptor, not a black helicoptor. I get that mixed up all the time.
-Spencer can only shut down the cameras for sixty seconds. Seriously.
-Everything is ok. Everything is ok.
-Camera reboots in 10 seconds. And it takes no time to reboot. None.
-Tell him you had to use the men's room. Tell him you're dancing like Shirley Temple.
-Something's wrong. McDaniel normally uses the bag under his desk.
-What's his name is shot.
-Rostler is in custody. Someone else is in the penthouse.
-What's his name=Curtis.
-Oh, the person behind the bed is someone we've never seen. Kind of a let down.
-She says she's being held against her will. I say she is a terrorist.

Hey chill out with our good friends at this fine service. They're the real heroes. I'm talking to you, fighting men and women.

24 -- Episode seven:

The following takes place between 1:00PM and 2:00PM . . .

1:00

-So, the chief of staff double crossed the terrorists, and now the terrorist are indigant.
-Walt is playing the 'I'm a neo-con' role a little too far.
-He can't help us anymore. Kill him.
-Jack is going to leave the show so we don't have to see Kim return. That's a hero.
-The president has zero confidence in any of the american law enforcement, military, et. al.
-Hank Azaria is the terrorist leader?
-Excellent. It's a little late in the day, but Hobbit McGill is having the first real family problem of the season. I withdraw my suspicion that he is a mole. Instead, he is the sucker.
-Reconfigure the atox trigger on the cannisters. Not even Edgar can do that.

1:10

-Jack in a black helicopter.
-The terrorist is a software programmer. Funny, he doesn't look like Edgar. Seriously, all programmers are exactly like Edgar. Some wear glasses.
-Spencer can do this faster than Edgar and I put together . . . if you know what I mean.
-Oh no, they're bringing Kim in to CTU. C'mon cougars . . .
-"Do you have some kind of precision tool for cutting metal?"

Ok, after we took leave from reality to cover the state of the union, we're back with episode 7 of 24. We're a quarter of the way through, and I'm expecting a lot more killing tonight. Unfortunately, according to a message at the top of this page, there is a scheduled outage on blogger.com at 10:00. Who runs this place? Incompetent bastards.

And in other news, skating with celebrities has not yet been canceled. Oh, but Nancy Kerrigan is getting kicked off. Why? Why me? Why?

What was that? Now I gotta stay up for the post-game conferences -- I have to find out why the last Seattle 'drive' was so horrible.

And yeah, MacGyver/Richard Dean Anderson is awesome. I think I'll sign up for a few dozen MasterCards (accepted in more places...) and PayPass just for that. I saw Murdoc (The Phantom of the Opera episode has the spelling...) on a sitcom by an unnamed network (one that put the West Wing on Sunday frickin' nights so they could run The Biggest Loser and both Apprentices on Wednesdays) and he was looking pretty healthy too.

I guarantee a huge turnout for the MacGyver Feature Film.

And am I just not getting this godaddy.com advertisement, or is it intended to make no sense?

Also, is it better or worse if you read it as god-addy-.com?

I'm not generally impressed by Super Bowl advertisements (what the hell was that with the lizard getting knocked up by the robot?--insert Tim Kaine joke here), but I'm giving double points to master card for the McGyver spot. Most excellent. Without McGyver, would there be a Jack Bauer?

McGyver + (30(kill) + get_stabbed) + kill + get_shot + torture + (kill/3.14...etc) = Bauer

Sprint - Crime Deterrent Phone. Won't ruin it, go find the video. ****
NFL Network. Nice little ad. **
Shaq, Tony Hawk, Sugar Ray Leonard, Hugh Hefner pimp 'Desperate Housewives'. *

Leonard Nimoy for Aleve. Hmm. **
Another great "Don't Judge Too Quickly" ad from the fine folks at Ameriquest. A fly harasses a pair of doctors standing over a patient to the point that the crash-cart paddles are used to zap it in midair. As the man's family walks in, the doctor says, "Yep, that killed him.".
Bud Light - Chores on the roof are replaced by sun and relaxation thanks to Bud Lights stashed in ice-packed toolboxes. An unlucky guy with actual roof-repair to do falls through for a great 'severe head trauma' take. ***
ABC pimping 'Lost' *
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Jackie Chan/Pepsi *
Pixar's Cars Trailer **
ABC pimping 'Dancing with the Stars' *
Local Ad *
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Budweiser - More from the 'Clydesdales Playing Football' set-up. A streaking (newly-shorn) sheep. ***
Mobile ESPN Sports Heaven. Too hard to describe, but lots of athlete cameos. They actually released their service today but I'd imagine there wasn't a lot of traffic at BestBuy away from the HDTV section. ***
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CareerBuilder.com I think we're done with the monkey businessmen idea. **
2007 Escalade.
United Way. *
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Trailer - Mission: Impossible 3. No matter what Tom Cruise does, he can always get back to normalcy with a cool movie. This one also has Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Lawrence Fishburne. ***
ABC pimping 'The evidence.' Neat idea. **
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The Shaggy Dog Trailer *
Kermit - America's Frog Ambassador mountain-biking, kaying rapids and rock climbing to a summit where a Ford Hybrid is parked -- Thanks to the Hybrid, it's 'easy being green'.
Michelob Ultra Amber . Regular people getting tackled. Great. ***
Shaq pimping 'Desperate Housewives' *
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GoDaddy.com - Self-referential. Not sure if it's meant to be funny. *
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Trailer for Poseidon. *
Gillette. SIX BLADES. **
More 'Desperate Housewives' pandering. *
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Overstock.com. I wonder about why you would run a regular commercial for a billion dollars a millisecond when it's clearly going to be forgotten by the end of the game and you're not introducing a new company or product to the SuperBowl audience. I'd save the cash and run the ad like crazy for regular money in your niche. *
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Disney. Yawn. *

Bud Light - Morale Booster... Pandemonium erupts after an employee hides Bud Lights around the office. Hilarious. ****
Whopperettes -- A big production number. Hmm. Original, but disturbing. Women dressed like onions and meat patties. (whopperettes.com) **
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Sprite Sketch Comedy - Kathy Griffin joins the Sprite troupe which features State alum and star of fim, stage and screen Michael Ian Black. **
Bud Light - Secret revolving wall. Also hilarious. ****
Trailer - Richar Donner's 16 Blocks with Mos Def and Buce Willis. Looks fantasic. (Mos Def is often underused as an actor -- I hope a major film role starts a Hollywood Mos-Def-lovefest. The Italian Job was on the other day and he's hilarious.) *
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Quasi-xenophobic Toyota Hybrid Camry commercial. *
FedEx - Caveman gimmick. Funny. The payoff is at the expense of a dog-sized dinosaur. ***
Bud Light - A Bud Light is offered as a token by a guy pinned against a rock by a bear. His friend sprints in and swipes the Bud Light, leaving his friend to get mauled. ***
Trailer - V for Vendetta. Natalie Portman. The Wachowski brothers. *
Diet Pepsi - BrownAndBubbly.com. Diddy and Diet Pepsi collaborate. **
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Prediction: 31-17, Steelers.