Monday, January 19, 2009

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. --Some Spanish guy in response to the usage of the word "firewall" on this season's 24.

So, since last we live blogged 24, I gave away my TV. While having no television has several upsides, it makes the whole live blogging concept substantially more difficult. For example, did you know that 24 started a new season a week ago?

Thanks to the wonders of Hulu, I've made it through the first three episodes from last week. Currently in my 24 time frame, Jack has just done a bad-ass crash through a parking garage barrier to escape the FBI. Unfortunately, the previous episodes before the last one were so bad that I nearly quit on it. However, concrete barrier busting (not exactly biting a man to death, but still) + continuation of my Buchanan as a mole theory + a comically ridiculous technology angle = a couple of more episodes of patience.

Random observations that would have been live blogged were I still living like the non-Unabomber portion of the country . . .

(I don't need to mention Die Hard 2, right?)

* Seriously, Janine Garofalo? Laura Kitlinger wasn't available?

* Trying to justify the various instances of torture (not to mention killing Ryan Chappelle because a terrorist said so) is tedious at best.

* How did Jack get a cell phone?

* Should I worry about the cell phone when the premise of the terrorist threat is that we're going to die of thirst if homeland security's firewall is breached?

* Seriously, do you think that the organization that came up with the idea of categorizing the myriad of threats to this country as one of five colors can really coordinate the entire country's water supply to begin with?

* Bill Buchanan = Steve Jobs, but not as healthy looking.

* New Chloe: I pinged the line and it automatically reset

* Near death has not been kind to Tony Almeida. Jack acquired a heroin addiction when he went undercover, Tony a cheese fry addiction . . .

Incidentally, I've started to watch season 1 of 24 on Hulu, and I can confirm that 24 used to be excellent. Now it's more like a circus freak show. At best, you can hope for the bat boy biting a terrorist to death. At worst, you're expected to sympathize with the plight of the bearded lady explaining how her acts of torture were for the good of the nation. And don't get me started on the long discussions between the crocodile man and the first lady.

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Random FBI Driver (who Jack will likely knock out soon): Still, you don't deserve to be treated that way.

Jack: Did you not see the episode where I shot an innocent woman in the leg (below the knee, though) to make her husband talk?

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Seriously . . . they timed it so both planes would cross at exactly the same time? Sigh . . .

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Well, yes, I missed yesterday's premiere. After the diaspora caused by last season, we didn't think anyone would still be watching other than us. 24:Redemption was good enough, though, so if they changed the formula for the regular season, I'll get back in the game... After watching last night, I'm not sure. Agent Walker is clearly in a relationship with her boss, the new Chloƫ is JANEANE GARAFALO. And the smarmy Morris/Edgar/DrugDealerFromSixFeetUnder is too smarmy. And why? If I wanted to watch a workplace drama, I'd watch E.R. or The Office, which is at least intentionally funny.

Even after all that, Jack is back, baby.

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Friday, November 09, 2007

Lycos is Dry

Dammit, Nina! (24: The Unaired 1994 Pilot)

Edit: Readers have alerted us to the fact this might not be the original 'Nina' in this role. We will continue to investigate.

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Monday, November 05, 2007

Scofield just chicken-footed the Australian Fisherman.
What do we want?! Equitable remunerative monetary compensation for residuals in new distribution channels! When do we want it? Now!! (Join the Guild)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dennis Haysbert is full-on Pedro Cerrano in the season premiere of The Unit.

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Tony Almeida returns for season seven? What the hell?

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Keifer Sutherland is going undercover to get the real motivations for a character beset by inner demons. Sure, Tom Hanks ate lots of baloney sandwiches to play the prison guard in 'The Green Mile' and lost sixty pounds for 'Castaway', but this, my friends, is dedication.

I'd like to see Tom Hanks mug an old lady for crack money -- then, at least, I knew he was committed to his craft.

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Monday, September 24, 2007

So that's the show. This week was nowhere near as good as last week. Lots of ridiculous things mixed with some tedium. On the other hand, Bellick got pants. So, on the whole, I think we're in the positive.


-Maholm is still swinging wildly . . .
-That explosion brought water? Really? Iron pipes? Alcohol? I most definitely don't buy this.
-But Michael won a new friend. Prison folk are good people once you get past the outer crust.
-How many quarters does it take to call Chicago from Panama?
-Sucre's not coming back for Mary Cruz. I suspect he gets killed this season.
-Susan confronts Lincoln over something or another. She has a gallon of bleach, a tarp, and a hacksaw though. I think she's coming on to him.
-A bird book? What's the deal with birds on this show?
-Che-light is about to be offed. That's what happens when the condition needing change gets changed before the revolution really gets going.
-Whistler has awfully good hygeine for someone who lives in a sewer. Some days, I should be so well groomed.

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-Sewer fight! Sewer fight!
-I'll testify for you? How is that helpful here?
-Three large guys were awfully easily intimidated by an iron pipe.
-Michael goes to see the man, with special assistant T-bag (who also knows more Spanish than anyone else in this prison).
-Moonshine . . .
-Do they really have assigned cells here?
-Hey, Spanish speakers in Panama. How odd.
-Nothing suspicious about looking down when the cops walk by. Maybe I'll start whistling now. Anyone have a yo yo?
-Whistler on the move.
-How is it possible there's so much water here? They have no water!
-Somehow Michael has clean bed sheets . . .
-Lincoln: Do you speak English? Whistlers wife: Of course, I'm Panamanian!
-Lots of plastic grocery bags. They must be big on recycling here.
-Getting bored with everything Whistler-related at this point.
-Michael is feeling pipes? Not sure why . . .
-Some nonsense with the lead prisoner and a prison guard. Wasn't really paying attention.
-So I get that Michael is going to start a fire in the pipes, but I'm not sure what he was feeling for.
-Anyhow. Malholm comes out of the sewer swinging at random people who probably have no idea what he's doing. On to the break . . .

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Incidentally, I watched about 10 minutes of this New Orleans cop show FOX is promoting the hell out of . . . Sucked.

-Lincoln is on the street, and holy crap . . . just happens to run into Sucre. Seriously, even Charles Dickens would be embarrassed by this.
-Aha, Banco de Versailles. Why Versailles though. Isn't that France?
-T-Bag is the new water boy.
-In prison, the crazy guy on the street corner counts as Che.
-Maholm still tearing down the wall. Whistlers face is still partially concealed. I suspect it will be anticlimatic.
-Belleck sees a shot at pants (no pantalones here), and sells out Whistler.
-Making a move on Whistler
-Woo! Belleck has pants and a shirt! This show is imminently more watchable now.
-Sewer fight to follow after the break. It will be well lit.

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And we're back with more Whistler dialog . . .

-This wall talking is getting tiresome fairly quick.
-Lincoln is talking with someone or another who is working with the people who are holding Sarah and LJ.
-A week to get Whistler out . . . etc., etc.
-Oh, hey. What's his name. Sucre/
-Incidentally, Sucre spoke more Spanish in a Chicago prison than all of the Panama prisoners combined.
-Dennis Hopper acolyte . . .
-Seriously, pants. Just give the man pants . . .
-Damn near half naked? You may want to take another look. You're way on the wrong side of that fence.
-Maholm is making a friend who he will try to kill in a couple more episodes.
-Oh yeah . . . Mary Cruz . . .
-Ah, Mary Cruz is still alive. Shoot him any way. Maybe they'll cover him with a sheet or something.
-Malholm in the sewer, looking for Whistler.
-Why does the sewer have electricity?
-Versailles 1989 v. Madrid.
-How is it no one has ever broken out of the lawless, poorly staffed prison? Clearly no one is trying.
-And all of the light bulbs are working in the sewer? My house should be so well maintained.
-Maholm goes tear down the wall. Insert your own Roger Waters reference here.

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Let's see . . . where were we? Oh, yeah, Belleck still has no pants . . .

-Some guy is kissing up to Michael. Really amazing the English profiency here.
-It's tough times when you have water lines.
-Tensions are high . . . maybe a chicken foot?
-Watch the water! No . . . Oh that's no good. That's how California migrations start.
-Wasn't there water where Whistler was hiding?
-Oh, ok. A sewer. But still, a little plastic wrap and a bucket and they can purify that (learned that in third grade).
-Talking to Whistler is like talking to a wall.
-Not sure I really get this whole Whistler thing, but apparently the other inmates want him dead. Anyhow, on to the break . . .

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Monday, September 17, 2007

So, that's the show. This didn't suck as bad as much of last season. I still have some issues with most of the cast all winding up in the same lawless prison. Also, I hope, Belleck manages to steal himself some pants of a corpse or something.

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Back to the fights . . .

-Michael is kicking ass.
-A knife!
-And Maholm is a bad mother fucker . . .
-He's like Jack Bauer without the occasional season of sobriety.
-Another cliche of the place requiring a jacket.
-A guy walks into a fancy restaurant. The owner stops him and says he can't come in without a tie. The guy goes out to his car, and gets his jumper cables and ties them around his neck and walks back in. The owner stops him and looks at him for a bit and says "Ok, you can come in, but don't try to start anything."
-Lincoln meets some secret service something or another while I was writing that lame joke.
-The only Spanish speaking person in Panama is still outside the prison waiting for her brother.
-Dead people get dumped . . .
-She's searching for money on the corpses of the indigent?
-Ahh, the sewer guy is pretty smart . . .
-Geez . . . friggin LJ . . .
-I guess the sewer guy is named Whistler.

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You know, if they just got rid of all the chicken feet, prison violence would be all but eliminated. Then again, I guess ultimately, chicken feet don't kill people, people kill people.

-Lincoln at the morgue. And a cliche to follow.
-Is it her? Of course not . . . it never is. Moving on . . .
-Whoever the head guy is explains honor to Michael.
-Some guy is hiding in the ventilation . . .
-Is that Lincoln? He apparently never learned to whistle. Nope, not Lincoln.
-Run an errand for me, and I'll give you more rat (I really hope that's rat).
-Oh, geez. L.J. Do we really need to see LJ?
-Fight to start soon . . .
-T-bag . . .
-Maholm dispensing fatherly wisdom to Michael. "Go to the kneecap"
-Don't throw away the plastic thingy, Belleck. That's currency here.
-I missed that. What did Belleck slip into Michael's pocket? And then the other guy's. I guess a note?
-Why do they all speak English here?
-Fight! Fight! Chicken foot! Fight!
-Oooh, the old fake-a-Ghandi trick! Kneecap!
-Only one man comes out alive. Go for the other kneecap, I guess . . .

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I feel like there should be a time I post here . . .

-All Along the Watch Tower . . .
-Michael is having a flashback about Sarah that he actually precedes by saying Sarah.
-"Where did you get shoes?"
-Belleck and guy with shorts and shoes gets toilet cleaning duty.
-T-bag wound up in prison. Not sure I remember how that happened.
-Seriously, it's like a Dickens novel.
-Elliot Pike for Michael Schofield.
-Presumably he's secret service.
-So he wants Michael to kill somebody, I guess?
-Michael is getting the shake down. Bring out the chicken foot!
-We found a woman matching the description of your friend . . . at the morgue . . . I mean working there. Part time at the desk.
-Free chicken leg bone. Score!
-The guy hasn't eaten in a week. He could trade his left shoe for some of the chicken ligaments.
-This is a pretty poorly planned escape . . .
-Belleck developed an odd attachedment to that guy.
-And for some reason, everyone seems horrified that a prison guard would shoot an escapee, including the former murdering prison guard.
-Chicken foot! Fight! Fight!

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-So I missed the first part here. Apparently everyone is in a Puerto Rican prison, except Lincoln who is in a lawyer's office. And something about there being no guards.
-Ok . . . so Belleck wasn't issued clothes . . . At least his new friend has shorts. I wonder how you earn shorts.
-Maholm is in several bad places at once. But his hair looks pretty good.
-Yeah, you see. Kill someone's father, and you're never going to get anywhere with the son.
-Lincoln goes inside to visit Michael. That's an awful well maintained fence for such a hell hole. Very shiny.
-Michael: "I keep waiting for you to mention a certain someone." Lincoln: "Yeah, turns out Tom Brady was getting the plays the whole time."
-As peaceful as it is over by the fence, he should really just set up camp there.
-Orientation . . . I always hated orientations.
-Breeding ground for internation crime. Do criminals actually refer to their industry as criminal? I mean outside of the Penguin and the Joker.
-Michael's reputation precedes him.
-A chicken bone substitutes for a white glove here.
-Maholm (whose name I probably spell wrong) doing the junky dance . . . but he does much better than the next guy.
-That was orientation? What was it they were supposed to learn. Other than don't pee on the floor, that is.
-There was no way she was going to answer correctly. He could have just as well asked if that shirt makes him look fat.

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Live blogging Prison Break, or no? There's no way I'm doing this for the entire season.